THIS WEEK: Martin, Bobby fucking Orr, QAnon! PLUS: Hockey rinks, Covid apps and other pandemic failures!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Bobby Orr. Bobby fucking Orr. Bobby fucking Bobby Orr. [BLEEP!]
M All right, so the RINKS are going to be open. Great! Oh but wait, there will not be any HOCKEY allowed. On the hockey rink! Ok, is there a big difference between skating around in circles in free skating and playing hockey on an outdoor rink? I don’t think so. Most of the people playing outdoor hockey are just skating around in circles anyway! I don’t see the difference in terms of contact. And also, how are they going to do this? Will there be guards there to stop you from bringing your hockey stick onto the hockey rink? Or will you be allowed to bring your stick onto the rink just as long as you don’t get into a game? Just as long as you just skate around in circles—like you would probably be doing in a game anyway! You see what I mean? I don’t think they thought this through. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, well I just heard that the Legault government is going to put $5million into the Office de la Langue Française so that they can run around town looking for BAD WORDS like ESPRESSO. Oh my god, are they out of their minds? Is there nothing better that they can think of to do with $5 million? Anyway, this guy MARTIN says it better than I can, check it out on YouTube. It’s called “Are You Serious, OQLF!?!” [BLEEP!]
F Hey, so Canada’s plan to ban SINGLE USE PLASTICS—you must be kidding me! Their BOLD PLAN is to ban straws, forks and six-pack rings by the end of NEXT YEAR? What about all the other unrecyclable plastic packaging and bottles that fill our stores? [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™. I just want to say that I tried to download the COVID APP as suggested by the government. I happen to have a relatively recent IPhone, but it tells me the app’s not compatible with my phone’s IOS. What the fuck? For my mother, it’s worse—she does not have a recent IPhone, she has an IPhone 6—and the app will not work at all on the IPhone 6. It won’t take the IOS. Our family got her this phone, it’s all she needs, it works perfectly well for her—but the app won’t work. And you know, she can’t be the only older person in this city who has an older phone. Couldn’t they have thought of this when they were coming up with the app? [BLEEP!]
M RIP EDDIE. [BLEEP!]
F I just got an Amazon delivery, or I should probably say an Amazon product THROWN on the front porch, and the guy was driving a beat up van from like the 90s and it looked like his other job was SUR LE B.S. No wonder they’re making record profits. [BLEEP!]
M Hello, this is about these people demonstrating because they don’t want to wear MASKS. They don’t want to social distance, they think it is all a HOAX. They were out there today, there were thousands of them. They think it is all a conspiracy, they think it is all bullshit. Look, I know Quebec is SPECIAL, but I did not know we had that many conspiracy theorists. Is this QAnon? Is this where they are getting it? Is this what they are seeing on Facebook and Twitter? I heard that there are radio stations or podcasts that are also feeding them this bullshit but I have never heard of these stations or listened to them. For sure there is nothing I see or hear that would make me get out and scream that my rights are being STOMPED on or that it is all a big PLOT. But one thing, I did see a lot of Quebec flags out there waving around—maybe these are NATIONALISTS looking for something to do? I don’t know, would somebody please ENLIGHTEN me. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah hi, this is a rant responding to the previous rant saying that ST. DENIS STREET is DEAD and that’s why there’s a fucking bike lane now. Listen, the bike lane, it’s fine, no objections to that. But St. Denis is dead because Project fucking Montreal KILLED it. Fernandez was in charge of Economic Development blah blah blah quote unquote—which is a joke coming from anybody who works for Project Montreal. And then near the end of his term, it’s like, “Oh yeah shit, things are pretty bad, we need a bike lane.” They’re asleep at the wheel—Project Montreal causes more problems than they solve. A bike lane is fine, but they STRANGLED this city. They strangled it with too much zoning, and not allowing to build HIGH ENOUGH. It’s putting makeup on a pig. All their solutions are cosmetic, it addresses none of the structural problems. You need to model this shit after Queen Street West in Toronto, King Street, Grand Allée in Quebec City. You need to build higher, you need to fucking develop this shit. Okay that’s my rant. Project Montreal killed Saint Denis Street. No problem with the bike lane but you got to make other changes. [BLEEP!]
M What’s up Rant Line™. I’ve been watching those POLICE INTERROGATION videos as of late on YouTube and it’s really fucked up. These pig cops are just not your FRIENDS at all. Their job is basically to TRICK YOU and find anything you’re doing wrong so that they can either jail you or throw a ticket in your face. And then you have to pay and all that shit, which is hard when you have a very low or near-poverty income. I mean, I’ve had a couple of tickets myself and the cop who gave one of them to me was a ZEALOUS piece of shit who got overran by the SUPREME COURT over a ticket he was trying to do when he MANHANDLED a woman. Yeah, so pretty much all cops, their job is to trick you. So if you’re interrogated never say shit. I repeat, never say shit. Just record it visually and with audio. Record it and shut the fuck up and wait for your lawyer. [BLEEP!]
M Just wanted to say hey to the cute Asian girl I keep seeing around the Plateau carving the waves on her ELECTRIC LONGBOARD at about 30k with her headphones on and no helmet. You rock girl! [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268) www.rantline.com
THIS WEEK: Van Morrison, Noel Gallagher, Jordan Officer, Pascale Ferrier! PLUS: Tales from the pandemic!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hail to Pascale Ferrier! A new Canadian HERO. Together we will defeat the UGLY TYRANT CLOWN. [BLEEP!]
M Shout out to JORDAN OFFICER for an awesome three-album release of blues, jazz and country! You are a local BIJOUX. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, who knew VAN MORRISON was such a moron? I hope he goes back to stay in Las Vegas where he’ll be right at home with all the dumb ass American ANTI-MASKERS. Oh, and then there’s NOEL GALLAGHER but at least we always knew he was an idiot. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, just want to say I’m loving this mask and social distancing thing. No more phony CHEEK KISSING, no more PHIONY HUGGING and nobody can smell if I have booze on my breath. [BLEEP!]
M If I see one more anti-mask protest I swear I’m going to head down and shove a mask down one of their throats until they need an VENTILATOR to get it out. [BLEEP!]
F Hello Rant Line™. If I hear another complaint about bike paths taking away parking spots I’m going to go MENTAL. You were all so happy when hundreds of thousands marched for climate change last year on the mountain—everybody was a GRETA THUNBERG—but the minute it means you can’t park directly in front of your house or favorite restaurant you want all the bike paths taken down. Reality check—BE the CHANGE. [BLEEP!]
M Hello. I see people complaining about the new REV bike paths being built on St-Denis. Ok listen, in case they hadn’t noticed, St-Denis is DEAD and this project may actually SAVE the street and merchants by bringing people to a greener, more people-friendly street. Contrary to the BULLSHIT PRESS this is getting, the whole thing will be done in a little over a month of work and it will eliminate virtually none of their beloved parking spots. Personally, I’m taking notes as to who the loudmouthed WHINING MERCHANTS are and vowing to never set foot in their establishments again. [BLEEP!]
M Hello. I just want to tell my pandemic story. I am sure everyone has one, but this is mine. Today I went to the DENTIST for the first time. BROKEN TOOTH. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gone—I figure I don’t need a cleaning, fuck that, my teeth seem clean enough to me. Maybe a small bit of ROT or gum decay, but whatever, I don’t usually go to the dentist even in the best of times. So for me minor GUM DISEASE is par for the course, especially during a pandemic, you know what I mean? But a broken tooth, that can really be a bitch. That can cause some big pain. Broke it cracking down on a NUT, by the way. Remind me not to do that again. Use NUTCRACKERS, people! Anyhow, I went to the dentist, not really knowing what to expect, and you know what, it went pretty well. This is a dentist in the Plateau area, by the way. They took my temperature at the door—they didn’t have to put the thermometer in my mouth, they just pointed a small kind of GADGET at me and took it in like a second. And the waiting room was ok, I didn’t have to wait too long, there were only two other people there, and they weren’t too close, and they weren’t coughing or spitting up blood, you know what I mean? And then I got in the chair and the dentist and the hygienist had on lots of PPE and seemed prepared and ready to go to work on my teeth. And they even talked me into doing a cleaning—they said I could really use it, said it looked like it had been a while since I’d had one, and that it would be a good thing to do before fixing the broken tooth. So I figure what the hell, I am already here, let’s go for the works. But then that’s when the PROBLEM came up—it was the only problem, but it was a big problem. It was this—after the cleaning, and before they started fixing the broken tooth, I needed to take a PISS. I needed to take a piss bad. Guess I should have thought of this before, but you know, I hadn’t planned on getting a cleaning. And the cleaning took like, I don’t know, 45 minutes and now I needed a piss. But they wouldn’t let me into the TOILET. No toilets available! The bathrooms were barred, shut, off limits to everyone. I’m like, is that even legal? But there was no arguing, and I needed to take a piss, and I still needed to have by broken tooth fixed. So they didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know what to do and I said, well let me go outside for a minute and see if I can come up with something because if I don’t piss soon I am going to piss right here in your dentist chair. So I went outside, I thought maybe a restaurant or something could maybe help me out, but there was nothing that looked open, and they probably would not help me out, so forget that. So I just took a piss in the ALLEY. Thank you Plateau alleys. And to be honest, I am fairly used to pissing in an alley, doing that at night, you know, drinking, but not so used to doing it in broad daylight, with people passing by. But I got the piss done, mission accomplished. And I went back in, got my temperature taken again—I guess in case I had caught COVID-19 while outside taking a piss—got my hands sanitized again, probably a good thing, sat back down in the chair and got my tooth fixed. And so the moral of the story is this—take a piss before you go to the dentist. I don’t know if every dentist now is like that, with no toilet available, it doesn’t seem right. Was it just this dentist? But if I was you, I would ask the dentist if they have a functioning toilet when you make the appointment. Yeah that’s it, be prepared—take a pre-dentist piss. For me, it all turned out good in the end, but there’s one thing I worry about, maybe you should too—what if I needed to take a SHIT? [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)
THIS WEEK: The dangers of drinking, mingling and cycling! PLUS: World’s number one tennis star identified as idiot!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hey everyone, I just wanted to say how pleased I was to see the SUPER HOT Valerie Plante rated as Best and HOTTEST Politician in Montreal! Lionel Perez sure ain’t got nothin’ on her! [BLEEP!]
F Hey did I miss something? All of the sudden it’s la St. Jean and people are MINGLING on terasses with no masks, high-fiving on the softball field and picnicking in groups of about 30 in all the parks. Hope this doesn’t turn out like Florida or Texas. [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™. I just saw that casinos, amusement parks, water parks, spas, hotels and BARS are now all open. Effective immediately, it says. Ok, that’s really getting back to normal, I guess is the idea. Even though testing is going down, we need to get back to normal. Now, personally, I don’t go to the CASINO—that place scares me—and I am too old for a water park or La Ronde. I don’t need a hotel. And I couldn’t afford to go to a SPA it I wanted to. But I have been known to go to bars. You know, quite a lot. But I am not sure, maybe it is the shock, maybe I will get over it—but I am in no rush. I see the HEALTH GUY, Arruda, says—here I’ll read it—“I think it’s the right time to deconfine actually but please, please, please, please, please wash your hands and wear your MASK.” Ok sure. Will do boss. But tell me please please—please please please—how do you wear a mask in a bar? Is that even FEASIBLE? Do you keep taking the mask on and off everyone time you take a drink? Do you slip the bottle under the mask? Pull the mask down and take a hit from the glass? Can you put a straw under the mask? Through the mask—like, poke a hole in the mask? I am not kidding, is there a way to do it that would, you know, pass health standards? I am trying to picture it. Or is it just accepted that in bars no one will be wearing a fucking mask and the government has decided it is worth the RISK because, you know, bars need the business and people want to go to bars. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Montrealers! What’s up with you people not wearing a mask while SHOPPING? Is it because you can’t afford one? Because you don’t believe it helps? For god’s sake, get with the program and wear a frigging mask! [BLEEP!]
M So ridiculous to read about Novak Djokovic’s recent Covid-19 ANTICS. Serves him fucking well. First he says he will not get vaccinated against Covid-19, because he doesn’t believe in vaccines. So automatically that is crazy. Next he hosts a big event with no social distancing, no masks. There were tons of fans in the stands, they even had a big party at a bar. They had their SHIRTS OFF, dancing in the bar. And then of course he gets Covid-19 and so does his wife and tons of other people. It’s so stupid that you almost think he did it on purpose. Like he didn’t want to get a vaccine, which the tennis circuit will require—never mind that there is no vaccine—so instead he gave himself the disease. Sort of like having a MEASLES PARTY or a CHICKEN POX PARTY. But I guess that is just my own conspiracy theory. Probably the real reason is the obvious one—he is a SELFISH EGOMANIAC, right? Oh and a reminder to all, our big local ANTI-VAXXERS are the Habs number one goaltender and his wife—but I won’t name names. [BLEEP!]
M Ok, so this is my first time calling but I am so pissed off with the Avenue Mont Royal closure that I just need to rant. The first few days were car-free heaven but now they’ve installed WALK BIKE signs all along the street and have SPVM cops and cadets patrolling and aggressively approaching anyone on a bike! Listen, this is my commercial street and I use my bike to shop on this street. This is not a three-day street fair, it’s a multi-month closure of an important neighbourhood avenue for shopping and services. If they expect me to walk 14 blocks from butcher to baker with my fully loaded bags then I’m going to take my bike and my money to some other street where I can continue to shop and live like I always do. [BLEEP!]
M Oh for god’s sake, no bikes on Mont Royal OR Wellington? What the fuck? This reminds me of when some Ville de Montreal idiot decided you couldn’t ride a bike in the public parks a couple of years ago. That lasted for about a week. Hope they fix this pronto. [BLEEP!]
M So I just found out they’re not going to allow bikes on the closed Mont Royal street. Are you fucking kidding me? Not even a bike lane? Whose fucking BAD IDEA was that? [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™. So listen, I finally followed one of these fucking SPVM POLICE CRUISERS who was speeding down the residential street with lights and siren at about 100 clicks and there he was with three other cop cars and four cops on bikes arresting a fucking DRUNKEN HOMELESS DUDE! They all looked so pleased and amused with their arrest. Couldn’t imagine what the guy had done. Shoplifting? Public urination? Time to defund and disband this out-of-control gang of HOOLIGANS. [BLEEP!]
M To the guy who said the Ontario WEED WEB SITE has rosins, kiefs, bubble hash and shatter, and the SQDC does not, good point. We could all use more product. But then I think to BACK IN THE DAY, when friends of mine were nailed for having a few bricks of hash—simple hash—in their trunk or at their apartment. They went to JAIL. Boy how times have changed. And also, can they get that time back? [BLEEP!]
F Ok, so I just listened to the full 16 minutes of “Murder Most Foul” by BOB DYLAN. I’m not usually much of a fan of these OLD FOLK SINGERS but this one blew me away. Talk about the perfect song for these sad TRUMP AMERICA times! I suggest you all have a listen. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)
THIS WEEK: Psychotic joggers, Covid-19 coughs, scary black cop cars! PLUS: Critical Quebec hash shortage could have been avoided!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
M: My number one fear with the Covid-19 Pandemic? JOGGERS. [BLEEP!]
F Hello Rant Line™. I was just wondering if anyone else has noticed that the joggers in this city are getting out of hand. Almost, like, PSYCHOTIC. I mean I know it is a pandemic and all, but for most of us the only thing we can do is go outside and take a walk. And I should say, most of the people running are fine—especially the WOMEN JOGGERS—but about one out of 20, or maybe 1 out of 10, of the guys seem sort of DERANGED. They are going top speed and they are not going to move out of the way or to the side, you just have to get out of their way or they look like they will run right over you! I guess these are guys who are like what, ALPHA MALES? And they don’t have any work to go to right now, and people to abuse at work, so they are taking it all out on the jogging path? Except it’s not a jogging path, it is where everyone else is going to have a walk. It is not a personal treadmill for you! It used to be bad enough with the cyclists, you know, make one mistake, step off the curb because you are daydreaming or maybe looking at your PHONE, and BOOM you get hit by a guy wearing spandex and going way too fast on a bicycle. But now I swear to god, the joggers are worse. [BLEEP!]
M OK, so I see they’ve finally declared BIKES as an essential service. Not sure what took them so long but what this means, folks, is that bike paths are meant for bikes! Not for baby strollers, not for electric wheelchairs, not for walking, not for fucking jogging—for essential bike riding. Ok? Got it? [BLEEP!]
M Hey, well whaddya know, the SQDC is sold out of HASH already. I guess it was hard to see that coming? C’mon, I know hashish takes longer to make than the GARDEN-VARIETY WEED the SQDC sells—or not garden variety, because most of it is not as good as what you could grow in your own garden—but the government had to have known that the hash would fly off the shelves like, I dunno, HOTCAKES. So yeah, we appreciate the 4/20 hash gift but it’s sort of a bad gift because by the time you went to get your gift there was none left! [BLEEP}
M The SQDC is so fucking lame! After selling out their 4/20 offering of some NICE HASHISH in a matter of hours the product is still listed as UNAVAILABLE on their website. But if you go look at the Ontario Cannabis Store site, they have a full offering of not only hash but locally produced ROSINS, KIEFS, BUBBLE HASH and SHATTERS. From now on I’m buying my dope online on the Ontario site and getting friends to ship it to me in Montreal. Fuck the SQDC. [BLEEP}
M Hey Rant Line™. So yeah, during the pandemic, as we call it, there has been quite a bit of an attitude from the SQDC security guards. They’re getting all UPPITY when you are in there trying to get your shit and get out—and you’re in there in a fucking lineup of COUGHING PEOPLE. A lot of people were getting paranoid in the goddam lineup, and he was being all uppity, so I just decided to COUGH IN HIS FACE. So I just hope this motherfucker gets it, with the attitude he had. People like that—just cough in their faces, man. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, so is it just me who’s freaked out by the recent re-branding of the SPVM cars to black like they were fucking STATE TROOPERS or something? Every time I see one it sends SHIVERS down my spine. Who the fuck authorized this and why the fuck are we paying for this? [BLEEP!]
M So I just heard FOODORA was closing down their Canadian operations in the middle of a pandemic boom in demand for online food delivery services. Funny that this comes at the same time their exploited pink-bag bike rider delivery guys are trying to unionize. And then there is the SURVEY. “How was your Foodora experience?” Listen, I’m not going to fill out your fucking survey and I regret ever spending a dime on your service! Please take your exploitative union-busting service out of our city and never come back. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Montrealers, what’s up with y’all waiting in line outside the SAQ and refusing to even FLIP A LOONIE to the poor homeless guy asking for spare change as you stockpile hundreds of dollars worth of booze? Did it ever strike you that these people can’t pay cash, can’t return empties and are probably the worst hit from this pandemic? If you’re so worried about catching the virus from these people maybe you can just throw some spare change on the ground. I’m sure they’d be happy to pick it up. [BLEEP!]
F Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to talk about something that has been bugging me. I see that now we’re supposed to bail out CORPORATIONS like airlines and oil companies who, when times are good, make HUGE PROFITS and only share the profits with their shareholders and corporate executives. But when times are bad they want us to throw money their way? Hmmm, I have an idea, lets call these STUDENT LOANS and hound them for the rest of their lives until they pay the money back in full. [BLEEP!]
F Oh, hi there. Here is something I have been thinking about. I see that now we’re supposed to bail out CORPORATIONS like airlines and oil companies who, when times are good, make HUGE PROFITS and only share profits with their shareholders and corporate executives. When times are bad they want us to throw money their way? Hmmm, I have an idea, lets call these STUDENT LOANS and hound them for the rest of their lives until they pay the money back in full. How about that? Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M OK, so I don’t really need to know in the first 30 seconds of our conversation at a party whether your TRANS, VEGAN or NON-BINARY—spare me please. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)
THIS WEEK: COVID-19, the Royalmount mega-mall, the handjob that never happened! PLUS: No scooters for you!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Hello, I just wanted to say that I am not a PARANOID PERSON, I don’t think, but I was at my local fruit and vegetable store—I won’t name it, you know where it is—and the woman at the cash was weighing my vegetables, my EGGPLANTS, and she stopped to SNEEZE into her hands! And then she went right on weighing and handling them and then she gave me back my cash, which I have to say I was almost reluctant to take. I was going to say, no it’s ok, keep the change! But you know, I am sure she did not mean to do it or do it on purpose, she just wasn’t thinking about it, but I was thinking about it—I was thinking about the CORNOVIRUS and this is something we all should be thinking about. I heard on the news some guy from Harvard, some professor or doctor, an academic, saying that he thinks 70 per cent of the WORLD—the world!—will eventually get this virus. So we all need to do what we can to do stop it from spreading—if we even can. We need to be VIGILANT. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Stay healthy. [BLEEP!]
M Good day Rant Line™, I am calling to say that it is great, just great, that the city has decided not to bring back the LIME SCOOTERS. Yes I am being sarcastic. Now personally I did not use the scooters very much, if you saw me you would know why. Let’s just say I am of a big build, I have a WIDE STANCE, that is not really suited to riding a scooter. I would look ridiculous, and would probably be a danger to myself and others. But never mind me, lots of people DID use the scooters. The scooters were a cheap and really eco-friendly way to get around town. As far as I know nobody was killed riding them, so they weren’t as dangerous as some people thought they might be in the beginning. So what was the problem? That we didn’t follow the rules! “Non-compliance with the rules” was what I heard reported. We weren’t putting them back where they were supposed to go, or something like that. Between the GREEN LINES. Really? Cities all over Europe have e-scooters, they are very popular there, they seem to be able to figure out how to make them work and where to put them. Are we really the only place that can’t follow the rules? We are that UNRULY? I am not sure who is to blame for this. Is it us, the people, the Montrealers—are we are just too undisciplined to follow rules? So as a result we don’t deserve eco-friendly electronic scooters? No scooters for you! Or were the regulations poorly planned and not properly enforced? I think it might be the second choice. But either way, it is a shame. No scooters for you! [BLEEP!]
M Here’s a piece of good news—the teacher from Oshawa who was accused of giving her 10-year-old student a HANDJOB—in front of the class—has had the charges dropped. Please think about that for a moment. A 10-year-old kid said his teacher gave him a handjob—in front of the class—and the police immediately went and arrested her. They didn’t talk to her, they didn’t talk to any of the 30 students who were in the class, to ask them if they had seen the handjob. They didn’t think, well this sounds very unlikely, a handjob in front of the class. They just arrested her. They put her in handcuffs, put her in jail. And so OBVIOUSLY the charges have now been dropped, because obviously the charges were outrageous, but, and here’s the thing, it took two years! Two years she had to live with these charges. Doesn’t seem fair to me, does it seem fair to you? [BLEEP!]
M Ok, here I am driving on the Metropolitan, on the 40, and I am trying to get onto the Decarie heading south, and it is a total fucking logjam, traffic is at a standstill, we are barely moving and it has been like this for half an hour. This happens every day, at practically any time of the day, everybody who drives knows this. It is un-fucking acceptable. But is anyone going to try to fix it, come up with a plan? NOPE. Instead what we are going to do is build a big massive fucking MEGA-MALL—the ROYALMOUNT project—right here where the traffic is fucking amongst the worst in Canada! Who thought this was a good idea? Let’s put a great big mall where the traffic is really bad! Who allowed this? Jesus Christ, we would be better of if they just BLEW UP the entire Decarie and everything around it and started all over. Not build a fucking mega-mall! [BLEEP!]
M Habs are out of the playoffs—well, any minute now. For the fourth time in five years. This is as bad as the LEAFS. I’ve been watching this over the years—Toronto got everything, all the money, got bigger, more people, got baseball, got basketball, but the one thing we had was the Habs, the Montreal Canadiens, the most storied franchise in history, 24 Stanley cups, blah blah blah. Now we have a whole generation—two generations—three generations?—I don’t know, Montrealers who are nearly 30 years old, who have never seen their team win a Stanley Cup! It’s unbelievable. And yet people still support the team and talk about the team and wear Habs jerseys and bleed red white and blue and the organization still makes money hand over fist—even though it produces a DISMAL PRODUCT. Leading the league in revenue, stinking out the league on the ice. Go Habs go! [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)
THIS WEEK: White lines, SQDC lines, smog! PLUS: Rats said to be overjoyed about city’s new deposit-return system!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Hello, I just wanted to say that I can barely see out my window today because of what I am being told is SMOG. It would be ok if it was FOG, I lived in England for a while, I am ok with fog. But this is smog, and the main reason for it, I am told, is because of people burning wood stoves and FIREPLACES. If this is true, then there should be a total ban on fireplaces. The government should hire people, a team of people, squads of people, to go into the places where people are burning wood in fireplaces—especially rich people with big ornamental fireplaces—and FILL THEM UP WITH CEMENT. If it is so bad we can see it we should stop it. [BLEEP!]
F Hello. I saw there was a story online about the TOP 10 companies hiring people in Canada, and it gave a list of the companies hiring in Montreal, and you know, I could use a BETTER JOB. So I went over the list. Here we go: #1: Hydro Quebec. It says they have over 20,000 employees. Sure. Problem: do any of them have English names? #2 ABB. Hmmm, never heard of it, but it says it is a top electrical engineering firm. Guess I should have listened to my father and got a degree in something more useful? #3 Air Transat. Yes, sure. Work the phones and listen to people screaming and crying because their flight was delayed and their vacation was terrible and they want their money back. #4. Ubisoft. They’re looking for GAME TESTERS. I don’t know, isn’t game testing the job that most sounds like it could be fun in the world and turns out to be the most boring horrible job you have ever had or ever will have in your life? I could go on but never mind, I’ll be late for the shitty job that I at least have. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M I want to talk about another BAD IDEA coming from the Legault government. Like it needed any more bad ideas. Yes, I am talking about depanneurs and stores being forced to take in everybody’s bottles and cans and now even fucking WINE bottles and JUICE and MILK cartons, because, well, the REAL RECYCLING PROGRAM went TITS UP. So now, depanneurs are going to be even more cramped and jam-packed than usual, and it is already turning into a fucking mess. The average small-time corner dep does not have the time, space or money to operate the government’s recycling program! And what’s going to happen in the summer? People are idiots, they are not going to clean out their milk cartons and juice cartons—that is part of the reason the rest of the world did not want our recycling, because it was a fucking mess. So now, instead of going somewhere else to stink, the dirty fucking recycling will sit in the depanneur and STINK. The only ones who are going to be happy about this are the RATS. [BLEEP!]
M Hi. I’ve always wanted to open up a depanneur called JOHNNY DEP. Pictures of Johnny Dep, every movie he’s ever been in, the whole business. And also have a poster of Homer Simpson, who says, “Welcome to Johnny Deppaneur—alcohol the cause and cure of all of man’s problems.” It would be a nice PASTICHE, no? [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™, I would like today to talk about WHITE LINES. No, not the old rap song (sings, loosely, a few bars). No, not what we used to do in bars back in the day. I mean the white line on the roads. Or more what I mean, the white lines that are NOT on the roads. So the Turcot exchange has been in the news, because it is really obvious there—cars are weaving in and out and practically spinning off the highway, like on one of those old road racing sets, because you can’t see the lines at all. It’s a free-for-all there—like the Indy 500. But that’s just one place! Lines come and go and disappear all over the city. You can be driving along and suddenly, NO LANES. Go wherever you want! Figure it out on the move! I mean, come on, shouldn’t this be important? To have lines telling cars where to go? And how expensive could it be to fix? You just need a truck with a PAINT BRUSH, right? It’s not like you have to move snow and pick it up and dump it, you just need to paint a line. And it’s got to be cheaper than fixing potholes… oh yeah, the city doesn’t fix those either. [BLEEP!]
M Why is it that now we can cross Canada on Tesla’s super-charging network and it’s not reported on THE NEWS? We can now cross Canada and we don’t need any gas, we can do it on electricity. All right, go Canada! But news networks, where are you. Why aren’t you reporting this? [BLEEP!]
M The fucking people in line at the SQDC who take for fuckin-ever to make an order! Like, why can’t you make up your mind when you’ve already been in the line for 20 minutes! There’s always a lineup all the time at the SQDC and you always have time to decide on the prices, they’re in big fucking bold on neon yellow paper, you can’t miss it. But for some reason people have to take 20 minutes to know about every single brand and every single EFFECT RATE that they have and the THC level— it’s like fuck, why can’t you make you your mind! It’s just like everything the government has ever run, it’s always shit and it’s always taking forever. And another thing in regards to the SQDC. It’s apparently mandatory now to have a PIECE OF ID before you go get your shit. It’s like the government is willfully trying to drive you back to the BLACK MARKET. I mean, come on. Whenever I go see my dealer, I don’t need to show an ID. I give him the money, he gives me the shit and that’s all there is to it. Done deal. In and out in five minutes. I don’t understand why the government is so dedicated to fucking up everything they do constantly. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)
THIS WEEK: Wanderers, Satanists, Christians, cops! PLUS: What is the best type of glue for gluing your hand to a window, woman wonders!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hello STM users. It’s bitterly cold today and the police are in our metro station kicking our WANDERERS out into the cold. If you can’t stand to see it, go and buy them a TICKET for three hours inside and go give it to them. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, so I heard about this $4.50 a gram pot at the SQDC. So I tried some and I have to tell you man—it’s crap! Stick with your DEALER if you want the real shit. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, I just wanted to say good for those teenagers—MINORS it said on the news—who protested by GLUING their hands to the store windows, good for them. It really is going to take young people to get things done, to make a difference. And you know, I would have liked to be out there too, but I think it would look a bit silly, you know, being a fully grown MOTHER of two. But my kids, when they get old enough, I would not stop them from taking part—I’m not sure if I would actively encourage them, because, of course, you worry, but I would not stop them. I just hope, I don’t know, I am sure they thought of this, but I just hope they used the right type of glue? You know, not SUPER GLUE or something like that, that would hurt their hands? I am sure they thought of that. I hope it was just, like, ELMER’S glue or SCHOOL GLUE. Although I am not sure that would stick to a window? Anyway, I didn’t hear about any of them getting hurt, so it must have been ok. But some of them did get arrested, which I guess I wouldn’t really want my kids to be, you know, arrested—although I don’t think they would have been put in jail? Probably not. But you know, still, good for them. Somebody has to do something. Ok thanks, bye. [BLEEP!]
F I wish Luc Ferrandez and Lionel Perez would shut the fuck up about Valerie Plante. [BLEEP!]
M Fuck Bernier, fuck his ideals, I’m so fucking happy he is OUT. He’s a fucking huge racist, and I fucking hate him. That’s all I really have to say. I’m so glad he lost his fucking riding. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, been noticing this. I gotta ask myself, and ask the people of the Rant Line™—have you seen COPS TEXTING a lot? I just walked by a cop, sitting in his car, and maybe he’s doing some work, maybe it’s something official, but to me, it just looked an awful lot like he was texting his BUDDY or something. I’ve seen it especially with police working the traffic lights, sort of playing on their phone. Again, maybe it’s official, but it seems to me they use radios. I’m barely allowed to take my phone out to check the time at my job, and the cop I just walked by, he kinda looked at me like I caught him doing something. We all know that LOOK. My boss knows that look when she catches me doing something. And the way I see it, I’m that cop’s boss. And you’re that cop’s boss. We’re all these fucking cops’ bosses. Never forget who pays whose salary. So maybe it’s time we start asking: what we’re not regularly allowed to do, in our positions of responsibility, maybe the cops shouldn’t be doing! Start with something small—like playing with your fucking phone when you’re on the job. If I can stop myself from doing that, I think Montreal’s finest can probably follow suit. [BLEEP!]
M This is related to the decision by the CAQ party to force the removal of all religious symbols. Why don’t we also abolish Christmas? I can’t walk down the street with a Jewish star of David or a BURQA? Like if I fucking wanna? What the fuck? If I want to wear fucking 17th century ESPADRILLES, I’ll fucking wear those. What are you going to do, legislate that one too? Why not abolish Christmas, and Easter, and let’s abolish HOCKEY above all, because that’s the biggest religion. Anyway, I’m being somewhat hyberbolic about this, but I find it too forced, pushing people around like that. Although I do applaud the eradication of Christmas, for sure. Nobody likes Christmas, because it’s only for the rich and famous, right? [BLEEP!]
M Hi fellow ranters, Rockin’ Rob here. This is about Bob Larson, CHRISTIAN EXORCIST. I’ve got to tell the truth. Somebody has to, it may as well be me. I’m an open Christian metalhead but I don’t preach to people. I sing metal for Christ, yes, and I love my metal bands, but it’s about loving people. Bob Larson has done more to popularize the cause of the DEVIL than the devil himself. And all for money, all for profit. It’s all a fake, it’s all choreographed. And there are many people who are lonely and desperate and hurting who go to him because they want their pain gone and he capitalizes on them, telling them they are demons. No, they don’t have demons. They’e hurting and lonely and many have mental issues. It’s a crime. That’s not what Christ is about, Christ never went around doing that. And charging people on top of it. It’s total evil! That’s what I call SATANISM, what Bob Larson is doing. Now Satanism, in the true sense of the word, in fairness to my Satanist friends—they just have a philosophy of liberty. I hang out with my Satanist buddies, and I rock with them, but they know I’m for Christ and they respect me for that, because I don’t give them a hard time. Christ is about love, not about hate. Bob Larson—it’s pure evil, he’s popularizing the devil in the most negative sense. He’s the devil’s PR man if ever there was one! And I’m here to say it’s wrong, it’s a crime! He’s a profiteer. That’s not exorcism, it’s all a fake. And he doesn’t even believe in what he’s doing. But there are many people who are desperate who go to him and others like him and get ripped off. So there you go, Rockin’ Rob here, metalhead for Jesus Christ, love is the answer. Don’t buy into those charlatans. God bless you all. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)
THIS WEEK: Katakombes, poly-ticks, teenagers, weed! PLUS: Yves-Francois Blanchet is mean and bossy and sexy, woman claims!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Katacombes is closing, for what? More CONDOS? We really need more condos? That’s what I heard the owner is going to do, tear it down and sell it for condos. Didn’t Katacombes bring in money and people to the city, to see the shows, the festivals? I don’t get it, I don’t understand what makes something a so-called cultural institution, that the city will pay to keep afloat, even though it burns through money—taxpayer money—and even though it sucks and only a few people like it. But eh city spends money on it. Lots of people went to Katacombes over the years. It was a whole scene, it was unique in this city. Where is Valerie Plante and the Project Montreal people, aren’t they supposed to be enlightened and progressive, aren’t they supposed to be down with the people? Why aren’t they coming to the rescue of Katacombes? It was a co-op for fuck’s sake. Maybe they don’t like metal? But no sorry, Valerie Plante is busy cancelling Halloween because some mother in NDG tweeted that she doesn’t want her daughter’s costume to get WET. Divan Orange closed, in Toronto the Silver Dollar closed, pretty soon there will be nothing left, just condos. Ah anyway, fuck that part of downtown. To the Katacombes people—you’re a co-op, move it somewhere else, where the rent is cheaper. Maybe it won’t be the same, but you know, maybe it could be better. All you need is a good big space and some black paint, right? [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™, I just wanted to say that BANNING WEED for people under 21—like me, I just turned 18—has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Do they think we are not going to be able to buy weed wherever we want? I’ve been buying weed since, I don’t know, I was 12? I never had any problems. But now, I can vote, I can buy cigarettes, I can buy all the booze in the world. I could join the ARMY and go get killed. I’ve been driving for two years! But I can’t buy weed—and weed is legal in Canada—without breaking the law? Who came up with this? Who thought this was a good idea? Finally I was able to do something legal that I used to do illegally, and now it is going to be illegal again. It’s hard to keep up. But I guess all my OLD WEED DEALERS are happy. [BLEEP!]
M Jesus Christ—oh sorry, hello Rant Line™, good morning—Jesus Christ, just leave the fucking CLOCKS alone. So yeah, I don’t mind getting an hour more sleep today, it’s like 11 o’clock, new time, noon my time, so sure, nice to sleep in but be up early, I guess, but for those of us who are, let’s say, LATE RISERS, because we work late or have things to do at night, it is no fun, it is fucking depressing, to have the sun go down so early. Keep the fucking sun up as late as possible—that is my opinion! I don’t care what the sun is doing at six or seven in the morning! I don’t think anybody should care! If you get up that early, that is your problem! But everyone should be able to enjoy a longer day. Nobody wants it to be dark in the afternoon when you are wide awake. In the morning who fucking cares, if you are up that early in the morning you are half asleep anyway, and if you had any brains, you would still be asleep. So yeah, stop fucking with the clocks, leave them at the time it was. Or if you have to move it, move it fucking FORWARD. Have a good day. [BLEEP!]
F Yes, I just gotta say that I am a federalist right to my core, but I’ve been watching this Yves-Francoise Blanchet, man, he can fucking GET IT. I’m sorry, I know that’s superficial of me, but I mean, I was watching the French debate—the guy is MEAN and BOSSY and SEXY. I don’t know, he just looks like he would be a lot of FUN. That’s all. [BLEEP!]
M In reference to the critique of Justin Trudeau as being a kind of an actor who once made the scandalous blackface-brownface routine, I don’t know of anyone in their youth who did not indulge in certain ESCAPADES. Besides, I’d like to paraphrase Robin Williams, the great American comic, who said poli-tics—many blood suckers—POLY-TICKS. So whatever and whoever you voted for, remember that everyone is an actor. The postman is an actor, the businessman is an actor, the milkman. Everyone has to get along with the world, and they all act their way through it. So that’s my defence of Justin Trudeau—for god’s sake give him a break. Everybody loves him, especially around the world. [BLEEP!]
M I would like to respond to the SMART ALEC who called our prime minister Justin Trudeau a FRUITCAKE and a CLOWN in his rant. He goes on to say that JT used to be a drama teacher who likes to dress up due to his mother’s urging and approval. Well, now that Justin Trudeau has won the election and will be our prime minister for another term—who’s the clown now? Who’s the fruitcake now? I hope you like to eat CROW. Doesn’t taste very good, does it? Also, people who like to call others derogatory names are pretty classless. [BLEEP!]
M The artist is a fox, and the world is a pack of hounds. [BLEEP!]
M This whole postponed Halloween thing is completely out of control. It’s ALL SAINTS DAY not Halloween and I have my blinds closed and they are still knocking on the door looking for a handout? And this is after last night, when some of them came, even though it was practically AGAINST THE LAW. So this is two days in a row! Did nobody ever teach them that no pumpkin and no decorations means NO CANDY? [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)
THIS WEEK: Justin Trudeau, Justine Trudeau, Margaret Trudeau! PLUS: Sex in jail!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Ok, so Justin Trudeau dressed in BLACKFACE, or brownface, or whatever face—a face that wasn’t his own, a face that he was culturally appropriating, or however you want to call it. Ok, I agree that it is not good. But I also think people are making too much of it, and like, really, people couldn’t see this coming? This guy is an ACTOR. He has spent most of his life acting and playing parts and looking for approval, now he is acting as a politician. Please remember, he used to be a drama teacher. He likes to dress up. And on top of that, he is a FRUITCAKE. And this brings me to my theory, a good theory I think, which is that he probably learned this behavior at the hands of his mother, who is also a fruitcake. In fact she is one of the most famous fruitcakes in Canadian history. I am sure she encouraged him to dress up all the time. “Oh Justin, very good, today you are an Arab,” or “Oh Justin, very good, today you are Chinese.” Or maybe, “Oh JUSTINE, very good, today you are so cute, today you are a girl.” But, and this is a big but, there is a big difference between him dressing up because he is a CLOWN, and some CRACKER white southern dude dressing up in blackface because he is a racist. Justin Trudeau is not a racist. He’s just an actor and a fruitcake. I hope this clears things up for some people. [BLEEP!]
M Just heard that Metallica had to cancel its tour because James Hetfield is back in REHAB. All right, good luck, get well. But here’s a thought: did anyone ever suggest to him that maybe he should take a break from his own MUSIC? Playing that AGGRESSIVE, fast, hard music, most of it kind of MISERABLE, night after night, week after week—that could make anyone a BASKET CASE, no? Maybe he should get out an acoustic guitar and play some nice gentle FOLK SONGS for a while. I hope they have this in his rehab. Because, to be honest, it is crazy for him to be playing that same music that he started out playing when he was a teenager. Especially at the age he is at now. [BLEEP!]
F Hello. So I was at the climate change march today and I think overall it was wonderful. It was peaceful, it was meaningful—at least we hope so. But I couldn’t help noticing that most of the people were young and WHITE. Sure there were some old people, like seniors, but they were also white. The parents with little kids were typical, you know, GOOD MOMS AND DADS, and the kids were cute, but they were all white. So I had to think, where are all the black people? Where were all the Muslims? When I go to any part of the city outside of, like, Mile End and the Plateau, I see more visible minorities than white people! Look into any SCHOOLYARD, you can count the white kids on one hand. I hope this doesn’t make me sound racist, I hope it is more that I am racially aware. Because it makes me wonder, is worrying about climate change just a first world problem, a problem that only white people of privilege have the time for? Everyone else, who isn’t white, they are just trying to get by day to day. I don’t know, I guess this is why GRETA marched with the indigenous teenagers right up front, so at least there were a few people there who weren’t white and RICH. [BLEEP]
M Yes. Just the other day, a friend, a person of my association, a bit of a—well let’s just say he has a bit of a questionable mental constitution— had walked across the Jacques Cartier bridge in his BARE FEET. He was picked up by the police and unceremoniously deposited into their CELL CHAMBERS, and he was lying on the cold hard aluminum bed and listening to the police when—he heard them fucking! The police were fucking! He was awoken by this fact, that the police were having sex! The police that arrested him were fucking and having orgasms in the next cell! So, I don’t know if this story is a contribution to overall society, and I know he shouldn’t have been walking over the Jacques Cartier bridge in his bare feet but… isn’t life strange!? [BLEEP!]
M Yeah hi, this is the ex-homeless guy calling in again about the pampered fuck of a BETA MALE who called in and complained about people like me not having compassion for the homeless. Listen up, fuckboy. Not everyone is lucky, as you said, granted. I wasn’t lucky, I was on the streets when I was 19 years old. But when I was panhandling, did you ever help me out? No. Did you ever feel sorry for me? No. But at least I didn’t drink or go through the streets injecting myself in the EYEBALLS, to the point where I spent all my fucking dime looking for some smack. No, I decided I was going to go to fucking work, even if I didn’t have a roof over my head. And as for the homeless having mental issues, yeah I do have mental issues. I take Prozac to help prevent me from STRANGLING idiots like you who are so pampered they don’t even know what the fuck people are doing with their lives. You are probably living with your parents, or in some apartment in the Mile End. You don’t know homelessness. I did. [BLEEP!]
M Hi fellow ranters, Rockin’ Rob here. STEVIE NICKS. Yes, Stevie Nicks. Awesome Fleetwood Mac vocalist. I am a Jesus metal rocker, I am totally open about it. I rock for Christ. But about Stevie Nicks. Many have said she’s a WITCH—like a wicked witch. But she never said she was, in fact, she said she isn’t! She likes wearing black—so what! And she sings about mystical subjects—so what! I find it very charming actually, that’s part of her mystique. Ok, I am a Jesus metal guy, but I am not a traditional WITCH HUNTER. And even if Stevie Nicks is a Wiccan or a witch—WHICH she isn’t, she never claimed she was, people put that on her—but even if she is—so what! She’s a terrific musician and human being. I’m a Jesus guy, and Jesus accepts everybody. I get hell from my CHURCH FRIENDS telling me I’m compromising. What? What’s so compromising about loving everybody? Let’s just rock out and chill out! That’s what Christ is all about. So Stevie Nicks, she’s just plain awesome. That’s what I say about her. Peace. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)