“edited” by Al South

M Hey Rant Line™, how you doing? New night on Tuesday, every Tuesday, at Zanzibar. It’s Bionic Monday…errr…Bionic Tuesday! It’s going to be a rock ’n’ roll night and just wanted to let you guys know! [BLEEP!]

M For this year’s FROSH, it might be important to include some additional info alongside the where to DRINK, how to rent and where to get CONDOMS and abortions stuff. Namely, where to get your little RED SQUARE, how to turn any street protest into a party, how to take a baton across the back of your legs, where to find a sympathetic and affordable lawyer, how to tell your parents all the money they spent amounted to absolutely nothing because you never actually attended any classes because, fuck the man, man! [BLEEP!]

F If the students are still on strike, does that mean there’s no frosh this year? I hope not because it makes me ill to see my peers whoring themselves up and getting shit-faced and RAPED by sleazy McGill scumbags. Honestly, girls, if you think you can make friends by having some engineering douche scrawl words on your tits and then send you from pub to pub until you’re too fucked up to know you’re being raped, then you don’t need an education. You need a therapist. Class it the fuck up, girls. [BLEEP!]

M What the hell has happened to the St. Laurent Street Fair? There used to be actual sales from the actual shops on the actual street. Now it’s mostly kiosks offering massages and selling shit that you’d never see on St Laurent any other time, and stands selling food that has been left in the sun too long. Who the fuck needs it? The only good part of it is being able to walk in the middle of the road, but what’s the point of that if there’s nowhere to walk to? Even Soho is gone now, who used to sell clothes for women and men who dress like women. The whole thing is a sham and I move to shut it down once and for all. (bleep)

M Hi. This may come across as politically incorrect. However, I think I’d like to say something about the ITINERANT magazine that’s funded and run by the homeless of Montreal. I haven’t seen one issue which is bilingual, and I find that to be a detriment to SPREADING CONSCIOUSNESS about the homeless crisis in this city. I’m wondering why they refuse to publish an English version? It just gives me the impression that there’s an intolerance to the notion that there could be an English homeless population itself. Or that there are too many English people speaking English in Montreal as it is. But Montreal, however, is not Quebec. Paris isn’t France. New York is not the United States and Moscow is not the former Soviet Union, Russia. So in this perspective I hope to read them. I support them. I often throw them some quarters to the salesmen on the street. But I can never understand the beautiful language that they’re publishing. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Is Boustan not as good anymore? I know it got sold and I’ve had it a couple of times and now I think it’s not as good. Is it just me? [BLEEP!]

M I commend FAT PEOPLE for trying to get back into shape by riding their bicycles and going on walks or even something that is sort of similar to a slow jog, but I don’t think it’s right that the rest of us—namely me—should have to suffer seeing SWEATY fat people all over the place. Isn’t there some way we could set up a fat zone for these people? All the unsightly fat people can go to one spot and do whatever exercise they need to do. The can even wear tights and shorts and other things that shouldn’t be on a fat person. Then they won’t offend anyone with their fat. And then when they lose enough weight, they can migrate back into gen pop, or even start running in the sweaty sexy people lanes. It’s an idea whose time has come, Rant Line™. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to weigh in on the pizza situation of two for ones and medium-small. When it said that “medium comes in between something,” I got a raging hard-on. Any chance the Rant Line™ can get some tit-pics up on this bitch? [BLEEP!]

F You know what’s not a good place to PISS on your way home on a Saturday night? Against my fucking WINDOW. Basement apartments—never again! [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268)

15 YEARS AGO THIS SUMMER!

FEATURING: Spaceshits vs Tricky Woo, Vice vs trees, Yorks vs Steve’s, the MiMis , Mireille Silcott, Céline Dion!

INCLUDES: A rare FAXRANT™ and early-era lower-case gender designation!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

m Yeah, I’ve been hearing a lot about some sort of “fake band” who were supposedly going to play between the Spaceshits and Tricky Woo. It just seems pathetic that Tricky Woo—a bunch of overage losers who are never going to go anywhere—are jealous because the Spaceshits are so much younger and more successful. Years from now, when the Spaceshits have gone on to FAME and FORTUNE, Tricky Woo will be playing in a Spaceshits cover band at the Peel Pub. Bunch of phony hipsters. Anyhow, I’d like to add that overall the Vice newspaper is a waste of trees. It seems ironic for them to complain about the Spaceshits being juvenile when their whole magazine is targeted towards retard teenagers who like to read interviews with PASTA and GOD. [BLEEP!]

m Whatever happened to the celebrated [spells out] “Me Me” Awards? Did ALL the inspired rock stars move to L.A.? [BLEEP!]

m I’m calling about the stores that service musicians, and I’d like to say that York’s has the CUTEST guys around. I went to Steve’s and they’ve got some cute guys too, but there’s one blonde guy and he’s very MEAN to me, he kind of hurts me. But at York’s they’ve got these great guys, guys with LONG HAIR [chortles meaningfully]. [BLEEP!]

m Yeah, this rant goes out to Mireille Silcott. A few weeks ago she went on about a bunch of promoters and who’s backing them, as if there was something negative about having investors help bring DJs and parties to town. Listen, whether it’s your uncle or your mother or Donald K. Donald financing your party, it shouldn’t matter. What matters is that people have a good time and that good music is being played. Furthermore, Mireille, if all you can do is complain about the scene, maybe you should go home and GO TO BED. [BLEEP!]

m Hey, what’s shaking? Got a little rant for you here. Went to eat at Nickels this morning on Ste-Catherine and Crescent. Now, I appreciate the fact that Céline Dion owns the Nickels chain of restaurants or has some sort of controlling interest. But when you walk in there, they are blasting her tunes, there are goddamn gold records all over the walls, it NEVER ENDS. I just went in for breakfast, man—I ended up in the middle of a Céline Dion-athon. Gimme a break! [BLEEP!]

FAXRANT I’d like to rant about rants. About musicians who bitch and whine about Montreal’s music scene, or the lack thereof. One day someone’s complaining about the lack of label interest for what we’ve got here, the next day fans are being blamed for not supporting local talent. But the truth is, the problem with Montreal’s music scene is seeded deeply at the root. Not with the labels, promoters or fans, but with the MUSICIANS themselves. I recently got in the game myself, trying to get a band together after years of writing and getting my own shit together on the side—and I couldn’t believe the type of people I was running into. No wonder NOTHING ever gets done: I have yet to meet a musician who returns his calls here, never mind showing up to practices or gigs on time. I don’t know how anything ever gets done in this city. Where else can a guy with highly rated songs, the money to get them recorded, a good deal at a good studio, two FM stations waiting to lend a hand and a couple of labels waiting to hear something not be able to put three songs together? And you wonder why the smart ones move away from this environment and try elsewhere. Don’t blame “the scene,” guys, because the scene begins with YOU. Get your friggin’ shit together. The world owes you nothing. You need to go out and earn it. That chip you’re all carrying on your shoulders is depriving this city of what could be a good local music scene. From Vizh. [BLEEP!]

m Hi, this is Jeff, it’s currently 3 o’clock in the morning. I’m calling because I’m a sound technician who has been working around Montreal for the past year. And I’m getting really, really SICK of these bands coming up and bitching at me about what sounds good and what doesn’t. The important thing is: all the bands should learn to keep their amplifiers DOWN. The P.A. system is there to help control the sound in the bar, not make it any fucking LOUDER. [BLEEP!]

m Yeah, I’m calling to reply to that GOAT CHEESE loser. He has no clue as to where to buy goat cheese! The best goat cheese to go buy, for your information pal, is in the GREEK community. That’s the only place to buy it! As for feta, we have the best feta after Greece. This person had no knowledge of cheese!! [BLEEP!]

f Hi, this is for the girl with the Red Army star at the recent Planet Smashers show. I think you’re HOT. Oh, and hi to those skaters I listened to on a Sunday night near the St-Laurent metro. What can I say? Summer’s is still in the air… [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hi Rant Line™ I saw the rant about the SHARP SKINHEADS and I thought WTF? Is it 1988? Are there really still skinheads? How can that be? Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Please tell me what is going on. I just tuned into the jazz station, 91.9—not that it was ever that good, but holy shit what radio station in Montreal is good?—and instead of jazz, it is now TALK RADIO! And it is in FRENCH. We don’t already have enough of those?! We need more jazz, not more talking! I couldn’t believe my EARS. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been listening to a lot of CHOM these days because I’m driving a truck around this shithole city making deliveries, and I want to say this: CHOM still sucks a lot of CORNHOLE. I mean, they just played “Grand Illusion,” by STYX. Who still wants to hear that? Who ever wanted to hear that? What part of Montreal are the people who want to hear that from? Who are they? And who the fuck at CHOM decides that they should play that? I don’t get it. Also, why can’t these assholes learn how to drive? Don’t bring your car into the city core if you don’t know how to drive. And you know what? That goes for cyclists, too. Stay home. [BLEEP!]

M I just found out that Avril Lavigne is going to marry the dude from Nickelback. Chad Kroeger. She says he is FUNNY. Funny, I don’t find him funny. I never heard a trace of humour in his music. I think If you made a list of the top funniest musicians or groups, Nickelback wouldn’t make it into the top 1000. Maybe the top 10000. In fact, I would go so far as to say they are the most unfunny group in the history of Canadian music, which has had a real lot of unfunny groups.Someone should send Avril Lavigne a JOKEBOOK before she ruins her life. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I represent a small group of friends in the Greater Montreal area, and I just want to let that guy know that we have all started using the word GAYNAL. We say, “That’s so gaynal,” and “Gaynal, bro.” And if we feel like having sex with a dude, I suppose we’ll say, “Let’s grab some gaynal tonight.” Thanks for the mind-expansion and keep up the good work. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, yes, yes to the two-for-one pizza guy! It’s so stupid, right?  But you know what’s even stupider? Try ordering a SMALL pizza from Pizza Hut. They’ll tell you they don’t have a small. That the smallest size is a medium. Well guess what, Pizza Hut? If that’s your smallest size, then that’s the small. MEDIUM comes in between something. It’s the very definition of the word medium. Middle. You can’t have medium without small and large. Quit trying to fuck with us. When did sales techniques become “treat the customer like a complete idiot?” No more marketing lies! No more corporate double-speak! Stop the madness! No more pizza ILLITERACY. Shit… that made me hungry. PIZZAAAA! [BLEEP!]

M Isn’t it funny how people who work at GAS STATIONS are usually low-brained and have no clue on how car mechanics work. Seriously, why work at a gas station? Just get out of my way. You don’t know nothing—I’m asking you about an emergency for my car, which is about to break down, and you know fuck all! You don’t even have any LIQUIDS that are useful for my car. You have windshield washer, that’s it! This is really pissing me off. [BLEEP!]

M I’m from Montreal and I’m pretty much a race ran, and right now I am at the NASCAR event. But oh my fucking god is it damn-ass boring. I’ve been waiting 45 minutes for these cocksuckers to finish ONE FUCKING LAP. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™, I just now watched an altercation between NATIVE DRUNKS and WHITE DRUNKS on Parc, and even though the white guys were clearly in the wrong, a cop pulled up and told the native guys to get moving, while the white guys just sauntered away like they owned the place. The native guys walked off after the white guys, too, and the cop drove off not even once thinking that he’d pushed the natives into a very dangerous situation. I hope the streets aren’t lined with BODIES this time tomorrow. If they are, you know what happened. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I could tell it was a PELLET GUN from 30 yards away. You expect me to believe the fucking police couldn’t see that? You don’t shove a kid’s face into the road for nothing. That’s not what protect and serve means. Police have a real PR problem to deal with. [BLEEP!]

F Is it possible I’m hallucinating? This all seems so bizarre, I think it can’t really be happening. My boyfriend is passed out on the couch and my best friend and her boyfriend are STRIPPED DOWN and seriously fucking right next to him. And I don’t know what to think. Listen. [Slapping sounds, moans, possibly real, possibly staged]. No more weed and SANGRIA on couples night. Should I tell them to leave or just go to bed? [BLEEP!]

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TEN YEARS AGO THIS MONTH!

FEATURING: BLOODSHOT BILL, PLASTIK PATRICK, TALAMASCA & ANGRY VAGINA GIRL!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Talamasca, Talamasca. The lead singer, Chriss Lee, the guy who FAKED his own DEATH, is living in the dead lands now. He’s in Toronto, the poor fucker. But at least one of the members of that rotating troupe of musicians is still in town and he’s playing, believe it or not, glam rock. But if you wanna risk your soul and go to Toronto, you may just find Chriss Lee. [BLEEP!]

F Chriss Lee? Didn’t that big loser get smart and finally kill himself for real? [BLEEP!]

M Bloodshot Bill is the hardest working man in show business. Period. [BLEEP!]

M From someone who actually does know, Plastik Patrik just gets it on. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, for everybody who likes to mix up their techno and their church, there’s gonna be a TRANCE SERVICE at Christ Church Cathedral downtown on Sunday, Aug. 18 at 4 o’clock. So if you want a little bit of God and a little bit of amphetamine-driven techno music you should come down and check it out. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, is it just me or is everyone who works at that music store Mars on Ste-Catherine TOTALLY WEIRD. Because I went there today and there were five guys and they were all weirdos. If you don’t believe me, check it out. Mars music store, it’s in the basement on Ste-Catherine. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the people wondering where they can get SPEED in this city. I find that the 13 Highway is a pretty good place, and also the Ville-Marie Expressway. Mid-afternoon is a good time but you gotta watch for the cops, man. [BLEEP!]

F This is to Angry Vagina Girl. Your feminist propaganda is just as bad as patriarchal brainwashing, okay, so shut the fuck up. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to that Nazi feminist who doesn’t tolerate imaginative interpretations of the female genitals. Men have to tolerate your absurd censorship at work and at home—basically everywhere. More and more men are fed up with this imposed political correctness. Don’t say this, don’t say that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Your pussy is like a huge abyss with WEIRD FISHES in it—you know, the kind that glow in the dark with big teeth? No one ever goes to the abyss because it’s too wide and deep and creepy and cold. If a penis ever gets lost in your abyss of a vagina, it will come back with freezer burn. [BLEEP!]

M My rant is for the lady who’s disgusted by the guy who referred to her vagina as a FLESH WOUND. I tell you what. I won’t refer to your vagina as a flesh wound if you don’t refer to men’s penises as “small invalid cocks.” First of all, my cock is almost a foot long, so I’m not taking this personally. But if you want someone to call your pussy a beautiful little beaver tail as opposed to a slit in the wall, then it would be nice if you could call guys’ dicks, I don’t know, a fucking banana with yummy edible cherries or something. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hello, this is the person who left the original rant about the vagina being a flesh wound. I just wanted to say that I never bashed women. I love women. I was just asking why we love the vagina so much. That’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it. I respect women to the max! So don’t get your panties all up in a bundle there, I just wondered why we love the vagina and sometimes I just think it would be better if you guys were GAGGED while we fondled your vaginas. That’s all. No big whoop. Take a pill, relax. I love youse all. Keep it clean. Wash it, shave it, get it all pampered up because I’m coming to get them. I love the vagina and you never know where I’m gonna be. I might be in the local bar picking you up and I might be in your trousers by the end of the night. So get it all cleaned up. God love youse. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling about the guy who’s wondering if there are any women out there who like SMALL PENISES. Well, me, personally, I like big dicks but I know some women—girls, actually—who like small penises. VIRGINS. Virgins like small penises because they’ve never seen penises before. Therefore any penis is the biggest penis they’ve ever seen. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is to all those OLD PEOPLE who take hours to get on and off the bus and make everyone late for work. Why don’t they make a bus specifically for old people so everyone else can get to work on time? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just ranting back about some really ERRONEOUS INFORMATION. I’m just back from a camping trip of three days. Dragonflies were landing on my shirt, on rocks, everywhere. It’s simply not true that dragonflies can only land on a branch, as was stated in the Rant Line™ in the issue of July 18. This is misinformation that should not be spread! Dragonflies can land on something flat! [BLEEP!]

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We want to hear from you!
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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yes, hello Rant Line.™ I want to RAGE about 990 radio being made a French station instead of being left alone. Those people have worked hard and FOR NO MONEY for years and now they’re getting totally ass-ploughed by the Bell telephone company. First, why is a telephone company allowed to do anything involving radio or TV? Second, if I see one more shitty Bell commercial lying to me about rates and service and anything positive, I’ll go nuts. Bell is really a shit company and they have the worst service, rates and products in Canada. And third, Say No to Bell and SAVE 990 radio! Don’t let the English sports fans suck Bell cock, like the CRTC always does. GO EXPOS. [BLEEP!]

M I’m not really sure there’s a proven link between DEATH METAL and GAYNAL sex. It could just be the music was found ideal for masking the gaynal sounds. I don’t know for sure because I don’t really like either of those things, though maybe I haven’t listened to enough death metal or had enough gaynal. Please make sure you print that correctly: g-a-y-n-a-l. Really the only reason I called was to get that word into general use. [BLEEP!]

M This is for all the supposed SHARP anti-fascist skinheads out there. You guys know that the MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD really don’t like white people, right? You guys could maybe, like, talk to them. And, another thing—you know they just discovered that homophobics are actually deep-down closet homosexuals? So I wonder if you guys, who say you are anti-fascist, if deep down you are not secretly fascist. If you’re really anti-fascist, how come you don’t fight the fascist police? No, you guys would rather beat up on some white guy. What the hell? You got the frickin’ Islam nation that fucking hate fucking white people. But what are you guys doing? Oh yeah, you’re pretending you’re actually making a difference. But in reality you’re just a bunch of closet fascists. Later. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, listen to this [commotion can be heard in the background]. Do you hear that? That’s about 20 CHILDREN on the 24 bus. They’re all from some CAMP and they all keep shouting and singing and laughing, saying things about what they’re doing, which is sitting on a bus shouting and singing and laughing. It makes me feel good about life. The last time I saw so many people having a good time, we were all on E. Let’s hope they don’t grow up to be douches. (bleep)

M Hi. This isn’t much of a rant as it is more the TRUTH. It’s about whether or not a musician should have a DAY JOB. I don’t think it matters. It all goes back to the  DEIFYING, the MYTHOS, of musicians, separating us from each other. Yes, there are great talents like Jimi Hendrix and Jeff Buckley. And there is the underground music scene, with tons of bands doing things that aren’t known. They work day jobs. Great writers like BUKOWSKI, who was a POSTMAN for a lot of years, wrote books and poems as a creative outlet. I could fill up the Rant Line™ with tons of stories—like MINGUS, who worked a day job and played at night and then would go off with his kids and then go play again. So there are many different variations and variables to a musician’s life. It’s more about the output and how we enjoy it. Or maybe we criticize it. But be careful, because there is no such thing as what a musician is. They come in many different SHAPES and sizes and colours. Please don’t believe the hype—musicians are just like anybody else. They have some great talents and you should appreciate them for those talents. But do not EXALT them to god-like status. [BLEEP!]

M What up, Rant Line™? I just wanted to ask why every PIZZA place thinks it’s a good MARKETING STRATEGY to advertise two slices for the price of one. Seriously, can you name one pizzeria that doesn’t? It’s like a cabal of GREASY Montreal pizzeria owners came up with this brilliant idea all at once. But tell me this—if every pizzeria sells two for one, then what the fuck is the price of one? What’s the point of reference? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M If anyone is concerned about WASTAGE of food that they should pay attention to 4 Freres, on Parc. They’re throwing away tons of vegetables and AVOCADOS. But what they’re doing is timing it so nobody can go into the bins. The garbage truck just came, and they just tossed out three bags of incredible stuff—avocados, tomatoes, you name it. I am so incensed by that waste that I think we should get a law set in so that any surplus vegetables must be donated. And if anybody out there cares to act on that—I don’t know who the MP is, and I’m not political, but I do feel responsible for what they’re doing somehow—please go ahead. [BLEEP!]

M All you fucking, finger-licking CHICKEN LOVERS ought to know that the boneless chicken you’re eating had their bones turned to jelly by some fucking toxin solvent shit. Check it out, dude, if you don’t believe me. And another thing, does anybody know why the fucking tap water in the Plateau stinks like an alligator’s asshole? Peace and love, bro. [BLEEP!]

F Put your fucking SHIRTS back on greaseballs. I don’t care how hot it is. This isn’t your backyard and you being shirtless is a little on the puke-inducing side. [BLEEP!]

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Call (514) 271-RANT (7268)

Got an opinion on the local scene? We want to hear from you! Really truly we do. 514-271-7268 (RANT).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Everybody keeps HATING on HIPSTERS, but I think they’re pretty cool. Yeah, sure, there are a couple of SNOBS and a couple of them that suck, but that’s like any group of people. If you look at metalheads, there are always a couple of them who are really big snobs. People who dress all G—gangsta—there are always a couple of them who suck. But some of them are NICE. I think that anybody who generalizes about an entire group of people is just being ignorant and stupid. You’re a fucking snob yourself! Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? Hey, you know what I just found out? Death metal was invented to cover up the noise of MALE-ON-MALE ANAL sex. That’s why it’s horrible!I just had a first-hand experience right now. I walked in to this room to get a lighter to light whatever the fuck I was smoking—you guys don’t need to know—and I walked in on two guys having anal sex with death metal playing really loudly. I fell to my KNEES—and then I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the guy drying his hands on his PANTS at the Biftek because the blow dryer doesn’t work. I just want to say that if you’re going to  pay $400 for jeans, maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at the Biftek. [BLEEP]

M Hi there, Rant Line™. I don’t know if you’re checking this anymore, but I just want to let you know, it’s just not the same without you. See you later. [Ed’s reply: Actually, we’re still here. Doing as great a job as ever! Please see the following rant.] [BLEEP!]

M Hey, wassup? This is directed to the editor of the Rant Line™, you fuckin’ cock. Why do you print shit that’s garbage? All the time. You know, it’ll go on about four or five weeks about the same fuckin’ topic. What the fuck is wrong with you? Honestly, I say shit CLEVER and I barely get in the fuckin’ Rant Line™. I’ve been in the Rant Line a couple times but with my most clever shit I never get in to it. I’ll talk bullshit about music or blah, blah, blah and you fuckin’ print me. But if I say clever shit, it doesn’t get in. You know what I’m sayin’? You suck. You suck. Just start doing shit bad-ass. That’s it. That’s all I ask. You fucking suck. Get better. And fucking print this rant because it’s truthful, asshole. All right? You know what I’m sayin’? Fuck you, editor of the Rant Line™. You suck. You totally suck. I don’t want to know your name. I don’t know your name. Like, seriously, you’ve got the COOLEST JOB in the fucking world and you take advantage of the shit by listening to the shit and, you know, printing the bullshit. You fucking suck, dude. Honestly. You’ve got a good job, don’t fucking waste it. You dick, motherfuck. I fucking hate you. Please print this, you cunt. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Listen up motherfuckers. I decided to spend my last 20 cents on my account to call the Rant Line™ instead of PRANK CALLING my ex-boyfriend. I think it was a WISE CHOICE. I think he probably knows it’s me that prank calls him at least once a month. Random calls, hanging up, whatever. I’m a little bit of a STALKER. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the asshole who thinks women should take it as a compliment when he tells them they have NICE TITS. If some asshole on the street stopped to tell me I had nice tits, they’d be the last thing he saw before I kneed his TINY BALLS out the top of his empty head. Treat us with respect! My tits aren’t there for your pleasure, and no self-respecting woman wants some creepy idiot sexually assaulting her VERBALLY when she’s out and about. Degenerate losers. Go home and masturbate to pictures of your MOTHER. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to find out if this is true or not. I could be wrong. You know, I’m not an expert on everything. Do most women think that if a guy says something to them, he wants to FUCK them? He wants to have sex with them? I seem to keep getting that reaction from women. I’m just a friendly person and I say something out of friendliness, and they act like I want to fucking sleep with them and see them NAKED. I mean, my God. My God. I mean, there are guys like that, but most guys don’t want to fucking fuck every girl they meet! Okay? So maybe you girls can straighten me out on this. Have you reduced yourself to that low level that you think you’re just purely SEX OBJECTS and that we have no interest in you other than having sex with you? It’s all about sex, right? You fucking women should get your fucking DIRTY MINDS out of the gutter. It’s the women with the dirty minds, really, not the men. [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Good morning, Rant Line™. This is Regimental Oneton. I just figured I’d tell you a funny story, strictly for entertainment value. It’s about my 12-pound Boston Terrier named Oscar. He’s not CASTRATED because I believe in treating him equally. If I castrated him I’d have to castrate myself and we both know I don’t want to do that. Every morning, Oscar sleeps with me and this particular moment he was on my stomach, getting petted. I have a full length mirror next to the bed, and I turned him over and his little Chanel lipstick was FULLY ERECT. I got worried. Just as I’m tossing him off me, an ARC OF JIZZ goes over him and lands squarely across my face and some of it ended up in my mouth. I ended up throwing him 20 metres across the room, and I’m not a violent person. So I just started spitting on him, spitting his sperm back on to him as my girlfriend laughed her ass off for about 45 minutes. So needless to say we have a very good, fully functioning relationship. I’ve tasted his and I’m looking forward to him tasting mine eventually. Have a nice day! [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling from the bathroom of the Biftek. They have got to get their shit together considering their HAND DRYERS. I just washed my hands and the air flow just sprinkled out. I paid $400 for these fucking jeans, ok, they are not a towel! [BLEEP!]

M I’m at the Barfly and there are these OLD GUYS talking about “Tangled Up in Blue” being the best song ever recorded. I just want to say fuck you to “Tangled up in Blue,” fuck you to BOB DYLAN and fuck you to old guys in bars. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, my name is Edward. This is a shout-out to the KILTS at Ye Olde Orchard Pub. I’d like to go SPELUNKING under those kilts. So yeah, keep it up ladies! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I’m calling about these ridiculous METRO COPS—the STM idiots that you see standing around on the metro platform all dressed like they are Anaheim SWAT. What are you going to do, check my ticket? Jesus Christ, you are hardly any sort of law enforcement official. Fuck you guys. [BLEEP!]

M What ARTIST uses another man’s house to practice their UGLY DOODLES on in the middle of the night and without that man’s permission? You’ve got to be either a lunatic or a sociopath. [BLEEP!]

M Hi kids! I haven’t called in a while but I just wanted to say I smoked a little DOOBIE and I am watching the Olympics and it’s awesome! But I have something else on my mind—what is it with athletes doing publicity for Cover Girl? Makeup? Like, seriously? At the Olympics!? If there is one thing that is real, it’s athleticism. What the fuck does makeup have to do with it? I really don’t understand. [BLEEP!]

F Listen up motherfuckers, this is the 12 Gauge Minx making my monthly rant. Ok, my number one rant is, how many times do I have to hear news reporters, or anyone doing some kind of media coverage, and they’re talking about London and they have to throw in the across the pond reference? Seriously, is that the only thing we know what to say about London or England? Across the pond? ACROSS THE FUCKING POND?? [BLEEP]

M Life was better when you could smoke in bars. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I guess this is a rant about PARENTS, people who have kids. I am pretty sick of listening to co-workers talk about how difficult it is to have kids. I don’t mind an anecdote here or a story there, or even a daily thing, like “this is how hard it is to raise kids.” But I don’t want to constantly hear how it’s some kind of BURDEN that’s been put on them by the world. You decided to have fucking kids! I’ve ABORTED three kids! I could have three children now, but I was, like, fuck that. And they got vacuumed flat by MORGENTALER’S PEOPLE. They’re gone. And to hear people going “Wahhhhh, it’s so fucking hard to have kids,” I don’t give a shit! You took that on. That’s your fucking deal. It’s not something I imposed on you. Getting them vacuumed out is a choice, having them is a choice. Live with your fucking decision, and fucking get over yourself. You are not more important than anyone else because you had fucking kids. That’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

M [sounding suspiciously like Senator Clay Davis] Hey, it’s 100 degrees outside and I’m calling about all the bitches walking around with their big sweaty JUBBLY titties. And if I say, “Hey, you got some sweet titties,” why you look at me like a piece of shit? I’m just giving you a compliment! I ain’t looking to rape you or no shit, I’m just giving you a compliment on your titties. Sheeit! Can’t a guy tell you you got nice titties without you getting all up in his face?? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m trying to meditate on getting into all the ANGRY THINGS in my life, thingsthat I hate, trying to let that stuff go. And lo and behold I came upon a TRUTH: if you hate something, let it go. If it comes back to you, man, you really hate that shit. [BLEEP!]

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