“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Everybody keeps HATING on HIPSTERS, but I think they’re pretty cool. Yeah, sure, there are a couple of SNOBS and a couple of them that suck, but that’s like any group of people. If you look at metalheads, there are always a couple of them who are really big snobs. People who dress all G—gangsta—there are always a couple of them who suck. But some of them are NICE. I think that anybody who generalizes about an entire group of people is just being ignorant and stupid. You’re a fucking snob yourself! Peace. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? Hey, you know what I just found out? Death metal was invented to cover up the noise of MALE-ON-MALE ANAL sex. That’s why it’s horrible!I just had a first-hand experience right now. I walked in to this room to get a lighter to light whatever the fuck I was smoking—you guys don’t need to know—and I walked in on two guys having anal sex with death metal playing really loudly. I fell to my KNEES—and then I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, this is to the guy drying his hands on his PANTS at the Biftek because the blow dryer doesn’t work. I just want to say that if you’re going to pay $400 for jeans, maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at the Biftek. [BLEEP]
M Hi there, Rant Line™. I don’t know if you’re checking this anymore, but I just want to let you know, it’s just not the same without you. See you later. [Ed’s reply: Actually, we’re still here. Doing as great a job as ever! Please see the following rant.] [BLEEP!]
M Hey, wassup? This is directed to the editor of the Rant Line™, you fuckin’ cock. Why do you print shit that’s garbage? All the time. You know, it’ll go on about four or five weeks about the same fuckin’ topic. What the fuck is wrong with you? Honestly, I say shit CLEVER and I barely get in the fuckin’ Rant Line™. I’ve been in the Rant Line a couple times but with my most clever shit I never get in to it. I’ll talk bullshit about music or blah, blah, blah and you fuckin’ print me. But if I say clever shit, it doesn’t get in. You know what I’m sayin’? You suck. You suck. Just start doing shit bad-ass. That’s it. That’s all I ask. You fucking suck. Get better. And fucking print this rant because it’s truthful, asshole. All right? You know what I’m sayin’? Fuck you, editor of the Rant Line™. You suck. You totally suck. I don’t want to know your name. I don’t know your name. Like, seriously, you’ve got the COOLEST JOB in the fucking world and you take advantage of the shit by listening to the shit and, you know, printing the bullshit. You fucking suck, dude. Honestly. You’ve got a good job, don’t fucking waste it. You dick, motherfuck. I fucking hate you. Please print this, you cunt. Peace. [BLEEP!]
F Listen up motherfuckers. I decided to spend my last 20 cents on my account to call the Rant Line™ instead of PRANK CALLING my ex-boyfriend. I think it was a WISE CHOICE. I think he probably knows it’s me that prank calls him at least once a month. Random calls, hanging up, whatever. I’m a little bit of a STALKER. [BLEEP!]
F This is to the asshole who thinks women should take it as a compliment when he tells them they have NICE TITS. If some asshole on the street stopped to tell me I had nice tits, they’d be the last thing he saw before I kneed his TINY BALLS out the top of his empty head. Treat us with respect! My tits aren’t there for your pleasure, and no self-respecting woman wants some creepy idiot sexually assaulting her VERBALLY when she’s out and about. Degenerate losers. Go home and masturbate to pictures of your MOTHER. [BLEEP!]
M I just want to find out if this is true or not. I could be wrong. You know, I’m not an expert on everything. Do most women think that if a guy says something to them, he wants to FUCK them? He wants to have sex with them? I seem to keep getting that reaction from women. I’m just a friendly person and I say something out of friendliness, and they act like I want to fucking sleep with them and see them NAKED. I mean, my God. My God. I mean, there are guys like that, but most guys don’t want to fucking fuck every girl they meet! Okay? So maybe you girls can straighten me out on this. Have you reduced yourself to that low level that you think you’re just purely SEX OBJECTS and that we have no interest in you other than having sex with you? It’s all about sex, right? You fucking women should get your fucking DIRTY MINDS out of the gutter. It’s the women with the dirty minds, really, not the men. [BLEEP!]