“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Hi Rant Line™ I saw the rant about the SHARP SKINHEADS and I thought WTF? Is it 1988? Are there really still skinheads? How can that be? Okay. [BLEEP!]
M Please tell me what is going on. I just tuned into the jazz station, 91.9—not that it was ever that good, but holy shit what radio station in Montreal is good?—and instead of jazz, it is now TALK RADIO! And it is in FRENCH. We don’t already have enough of those?! We need more jazz, not more talking! I couldn’t believe my EARS. [BLEEP!]
M I’ve been listening to a lot of CHOM these days because I’m driving a truck around this shithole city making deliveries, and I want to say this: CHOM still sucks a lot of CORNHOLE. I mean, they just played “Grand Illusion,” by STYX. Who still wants to hear that? Who ever wanted to hear that? What part of Montreal are the people who want to hear that from? Who are they? And who the fuck at CHOM decides that they should play that? I don’t get it. Also, why can’t these assholes learn how to drive? Don’t bring your car into the city core if you don’t know how to drive. And you know what? That goes for cyclists, too. Stay home. [BLEEP!]
M I just found out that Avril Lavigne is going to marry the dude from Nickelback. Chad Kroeger. She says he is FUNNY. Funny, I don’t find him funny. I never heard a trace of humour in his music. I think If you made a list of the top funniest musicians or groups, Nickelback wouldn’t make it into the top 1000. Maybe the top 10000. In fact, I would go so far as to say they are the most unfunny group in the history of Canadian music, which has had a real lot of unfunny groups.Someone should send Avril Lavigne a JOKEBOOK before she ruins her life. [BLEEP!]
M Hi, I represent a small group of friends in the Greater Montreal area, and I just want to let that guy know that we have all started using the word GAYNAL. We say, “That’s so gaynal,” and “Gaynal, bro.” And if we feel like having sex with a dude, I suppose we’ll say, “Let’s grab some gaynal tonight.” Thanks for the mind-expansion and keep up the good work. [BLEEP!]
F Yes, yes, yes to the two-for-one pizza guy! It’s so stupid, right? But you know what’s even stupider? Try ordering a SMALL pizza from Pizza Hut. They’ll tell you they don’t have a small. That the smallest size is a medium. Well guess what, Pizza Hut? If that’s your smallest size, then that’s the small. MEDIUM comes in between something. It’s the very definition of the word medium. Middle. You can’t have medium without small and large. Quit trying to fuck with us. When did sales techniques become “treat the customer like a complete idiot?” No more marketing lies! No more corporate double-speak! Stop the madness! No more pizza ILLITERACY. Shit… that made me hungry. PIZZAAAA! [BLEEP!]
M Isn’t it funny how people who work at GAS STATIONS are usually low-brained and have no clue on how car mechanics work. Seriously, why work at a gas station? Just get out of my way. You don’t know nothing—I’m asking you about an emergency for my car, which is about to break down, and you know fuck all! You don’t even have any LIQUIDS that are useful for my car. You have windshield washer, that’s it! This is really pissing me off. [BLEEP!]
M I’m from Montreal and I’m pretty much a race ran, and right now I am at the NASCAR event. But oh my fucking god is it damn-ass boring. I’ve been waiting 45 minutes for these cocksuckers to finish ONE FUCKING LAP. [BLEEP!]
M Rant Line™, I just now watched an altercation between NATIVE DRUNKS and WHITE DRUNKS on Parc, and even though the white guys were clearly in the wrong, a cop pulled up and told the native guys to get moving, while the white guys just sauntered away like they owned the place. The native guys walked off after the white guys, too, and the cop drove off not even once thinking that he’d pushed the natives into a very dangerous situation. I hope the streets aren’t lined with BODIES this time tomorrow. If they are, you know what happened. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™, I could tell it was a PELLET GUN from 30 yards away. You expect me to believe the fucking police couldn’t see that? You don’t shove a kid’s face into the road for nothing. That’s not what protect and serve means. Police have a real PR problem to deal with. [BLEEP!]
F Is it possible I’m hallucinating? This all seems so bizarre, I think it can’t really be happening. My boyfriend is passed out on the couch and my best friend and her boyfriend are STRIPPED DOWN and seriously fucking right next to him. And I don’t know what to think. Listen. [Slapping sounds, moans, possibly real, possibly staged]. No more weed and SANGRIA on couples night. Should I tell them to leave or just go to bed? [BLEEP!]