“edited” by AL SOUTH
SEE THIS WEEK’S EDITION IN GLORIOUS PRINT IN CULT MTL, ON THE STREETS NOW!
F Did I miss UnPop Montreal? [BLEEP!]
M This is a rant about the Red Mass show at Club Lambi. Guys, I know you like to have GOOD SOUND. But when your sound check is taking 40 minutes and it’s already 1 a.m. you should try to understand that it is better to play with SHITTY SOUND in front of 150 people instead of good sound in front of 10 people. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™, this is a message to the kid I flicked on the EAR at the Grimes show. I feel you, buddy. You and your friend just wanted to see Grimes up close, and you wanted to do it fast because she was playing your favourite song and instead of showing up early or even on time you were hammering back MONSTER VODKAS at your cousin’s place, or something like that. I totally get it. But don’t fucking push your way through me and my friends, elbows first, and knock the $8 beverage out of my hand and onto my shoes! You might find this surprising, but a simple excuse me would have worked. People will generally move out of the way if they know you are trying to get places. No need to push them because that is just fucking RUDE. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™. I was just wondering, now that the PQ are back in charge of everything, when are we going to be able to SMOKE in bars again? [BLEEP!]
M Why are 76-year-olds even driving at all, let alone DRIVING DRUNK? Boggles the mind, yo. Prayers to the poor woman who beat cancer and then had to deal with this bullshit. Peace. [BLEEP!]
F Really? Let me get this straight. A guy was attacked by four other guys, right at the corner of St-Laurent and Napoleon, and STABBED again and again, as people watched? Even if this is drug violence or gang-related, or whatever, it is just pathetic. What a SHITHOLE the Plateau has become. [BLEEP!]
F Hi everybody over there! I’m calling because it’s clear nobody has done anything about these goddamn assholes on BICYLCES who think they own the place. I took a cab home from work today because i had such a shitty day and the driver pulled over just to the bike lane on Prince Arthur, and I opened my door just a bit while I paid, just so people could see a car door was being opened and maybe watch out for the person exiting the car, and then I still had to wait because NOBODY would stop so I could get out, and finally there were no more bikes coming, so I jumped out quickly while I had the chance, and sure enough—along comes a BITCH ON A BIKE. And she wasn’t even that close to me, but she squeaked her fucking bike to a stop, and she like sneers at me like I’m the asshole, and she says, “Désolé” and laughs again and peddles off through the red light. Really to fucking god! The bike people are a MENACE! Do something! [BLEEP!]f
F Hello. I was hoping a live person would answer, but whatever. What is WRONG with you people? Do you realize everyone that calls you sounds like some kind of degenerate or 12-year-old TEENAGE BOY who laughs at his own farts? Why is this even something you’d want to do with your life—publishing this sort of thing? Is the whole Rant Line™ OFFICE filled with teenagers or just idiots? This isn’t a rant, by the way, it’s a complaint. [BLEEP!]
M Yes, hello and how are you? I would like to jump in here, because I read the two people fighting about MOHAWKS and kids with mohawks. I’ve read and re-read all three rants on the matter, and I have to say to Ranter #1 dude, it exactly sounds like you’re saying mohawk haircuts will turn kids into into criminals. You say—and let me read this back from my Internet—“What jerkoff fantasy keeps you awake at night saying, I need to cut my kids hair this way or that way, my kid is going to look awesome in a mohawk? Why don’t you get him some brass knuckles too? Or a GUN, that should be the next step. Cellphone, gun, mowahk. And a bag of weed.” Right there you’re equating a haircut with a violent lifestyle. You also call the mohawk a “Mr. T hair-cut.” So, in conclusion, you’ve got to be pretty old to have Mr. T as a reference, and the woman who told you to eat shit was right. [BLEEP!]
M This chick waiting for the 55 is dressed for the middle of August and it’s about four degrees outside. And you know what else? Her NIPPLES are like two little fingers sticking up and saying “Hey! Over here! Check me out!” [BLEEP!]
M It’s cold and rainy and everything stinks of the end of summer for realz, and that means soon we’ll be shivering and freezing our nuts off when we leave the house, and it’ll be dark while I’m still at work and dark when I wake up to leave for work. And if it’s not already bad enough that winter is coming, now I have to hear all these idiots saying WINTER IS COMING and then smirking like their Game of Thrones reference makes them the crown prince of cool. Well you know what? Fuck yourselves, noobs. I read that book 15 years ago! So fuck you and fuck your HBO and fuck your hipster geek posing. Enjoy season three because (reveals major spoiler from the third ASOIAF book, A Storm of Swords, which the Rant Line™ team has made an executive decision to redact). There. Winter just came all over your noob face! [BLEEP!]
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