“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I always wondered why you guys are always so down on Montreal RADIO, and then I realized I don’t actually listen to Montreal radio—or any radio—and then on Monday I got stuck in a two hour—TWO FUCKING HOUR—traffic jam on the way back to town from the West Island and I figured I’d turn on the radio to find out what the fuck was going on. So I tuned into CJAD and listened to 10 minutes of AARON FUCKING RAND while I waited for the traffic report to see what the cause may be, and when the traffic finally came on, they didn’t mention the traffic jam at all, or even the 40 East!! Jesus. I’ll say this again: It was a TWO FUCKING HOUR TRAFFIC JAM, and CJAD didn’t seem to know anything about it. So then I tuned to the TEAM 990 and I wasn’t really listening until I noticed after about 5 minutes that it seemed to be stuck in a LOOP. Then I realized the loop was telling me to switch over to 690. Well, I didn’t. I tuned in to my own excellent programming, courtesy of my MP3 player, and that helped me through the enormous pain in the ass of a huge yet somehow completely unnoticed traffic jam. So, yeah. Looks like you were right again, Rant Line™. Keep up the good work! That is all. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, it’s the Cigarette Warning Label Guy again. What about that one with the guy who looks like Stacy Keach with a HOLE in his THROAT saying, “I wish I’d never started smoking?” Dude. If it weren’t for smoking, you never would have had the opportunity to become a CANCER MODEL. That’s a thing, you know? For all these anti-smoking and anti-whatever campaigns, they need people who are sick as shit for the pictures, so they find cancer models. Just like they need people with nice hands to be, whatever, watch models, or nice feet for sandals, or whatever. Cancer models. People with particularly photogenic cancer. What do you figure something like pays? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the girl who thinks the Pizza Pizza Guy threw away his pizza because he was DRUNK and angry. Has it occurred to you that buddy just didn’t like the pizza? It’s not like Pizza Pizza is any sort of culinary delight. Why do people have to be all hippy gay with their, “don’t be angry, someone loves you” stuff. Oh! You think your pizza is shit? All you need is a hug. No, moron. I need better pizza. What’s wrong with everyone? Goddamn. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, Rant Line™ crew. First, let me say I adore you! I LOVE the Rant Line™. But, and this isn’t a CRITICISM, I sort of have to agree with that other girl who said people should call in with something really NICE to say about Montreal. You don’t have to look too far to find something wrong, but all the small things that put a smile on our faces and make us feel like life isn’t so bad, and work isn’t worth stressing about and stuff—those things never get noticed or shared. People prefer complaining! So don’t change what you’re doing, but maybe publish some nice things, too! Love you guys! [BLEEP!]

M Oh hi, Rant Line™! You’re so BEAUTIFUL. I was walking by this TREE and it was so beautiful. Everyone should go see it and have its beauty wash over them and make the whole world seem better! Really! Head over to it right now! It’s just over there, in the park, right next to the used condoms and garbage! Oh, what a beautiful tree! I think that I shall never see a poem so lovely as this tree! And that’s why people don’t call the Rant Line™ to talk about the nice things they’ve seen. Because it’s retarded. Everything’s shit. [BLEEP!]

M Maybe I’m crazy but I’ve noticed a propensity in divorced Québécois women to go for the Asian guy after the three kids and a husband thing doesn’t work out. A lot of them keeping company with Asian fellows. I’m really wondering if I’m imaging things or if there is a reason—if it’s a cultural trend or a cool new thing that I should know about. By the way, I’m not Asian nor a Québécois woman, but I’m curious. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, could I get an address on the guy who’s going to drop his TOWEL and JACK OFF in his front window? I sort of get off watching that sort of thing. Thanks! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Will somebody please tell that douchebag DJ at CKUT to stop fucking TALKING over the songs. That motherfucker has me yelling at the radio while I’m in my car as he talks over the first 30 seconds of every song. Fuck you! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is for SOME GUY who walked out of a Pizza Pizza on Friday night, threw his pizza at the garbage and then walked away. I just wanted to let you know that whatever made you so mad, it’s not worth it. And you seemed quite INEBRIATED. So don’t worry about it. Someone LOVES you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Ok I am walking down the Main, it’s 3 am. What am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be a TRIPPING Rastafarian looking at these BAD LIGHTS that they put up on either side of the street? [BLEEP!]

M Wait—someone is saying the Gazette isn’t any good? That the Montreal Gazette published POOR QUALITY material? That the motherfucking Montreal Gazette may not be the BEST NEWSPAPER ever? Oh my sweet serious fucking God! What an earth-shattering expose on the state of the media in Montreal! Next you’ll be telling us that CJAD is a sack of shit! Or that—could you even fucking imagine?—CHOM sucks a BAG OF COCKS. Anyway, keep up the hate towards the Montreal Gazette, but, fuck me, dude. It ain’t news to anyone that they’re shit. Thank you so much. [BLEEP!]

F I know it’s called the RANT Line™, but why does everyone who calls you have to be so angry all the time? Maybe you should encourage people to call you to talk about the BEAUTIFUL things that happen to them. Instead of saying they hate this or got robbed or saw something they hate, they can talk about seeing a person give up their seat on the Metro, or someone holding a door open. Or they saw a particularly beautiful TREE on such-and-such street. It might work wonders for everyone’s spirit and morale. Anyway, you’ll probably delete this message, but I wanted to at least speak my feelings. Peace and love and happiness! [BLEEP!]

F Hey there! Why is there so much talk about fucking and needing to get fucked and wanting to get fucked on the Rant Line™ these days? Sounds to me like a city suffering from some intense SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. How very un-Quebecois! Aren’t we supposed to be the loosest, most sexually-open province in Canada? I am shocked! Maybe a bit of quiet masturbation will take the edge off. Better than coming and screaming about it all here, don’t you think? [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say that without the Rant Line™ I’d never crack a smile. Like I mean fucking never. [BLEEP!]

M I saw the Rant Line™ retro flashback to 1997 and I wondered, what ever became of GOTH GIRL. Is she Goth Mom now? Or Goth Bank Teller, still painting her nails black? Also, did that chick ever fuck the lead singer from Hansen? And where are all the muff-diving lesbian crack-whores now? It’s cool that you put up the old rants, but it’d be even cooler if some of the people who did the ranting checked in to give us a status report on how things turned out all these years later. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just wanted to give the sister who called in about OLD GUY CAPS a bit of info. If what you’re talking about is what I’m thinking about, they’re called Pub Caps, and are a spin on Ivy Caps, which were made of heavier fabrics, like wool. They were a UK staple a long time ago, so probably the old guys you see wearing them are old English or Irish or Welsh guys, who think they’re hanging on to a bit of their heritage. SKINHEADS used to wear them. Maybe they still do. And I’ve seen hipsters wearing them too, but I don’t know if it’s because they’re balding or just dumb Irishmen. The cheaper, shitty ones are Pub Caps and can look like real crap because of the cheap fabrics and usually ugly colours. Anyway, they’re usually only found on the heads of the Celtic people and their wannabe fans, but yeah, they’re pretty bad hats. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I woke up today—the first day of the first vacation I’ve taken in two years—to find some sort of crew digging a TRENCH about 10 feet from my bay window, and I do not understand how shit like this happens. Shouldn’t Hydro or Bell or whoever the fuck these guys are working for have told me they’d be coming to dig a trench? Shouldn’t the asshole I’m renting this place from have been told, and then told me? Instead, I have all the construction guys out there, smoking and chortling and grunting and shit, and I’m supposed to what? Just go about my business? Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, since they all seem so keen on gawking into my home anyway, is I’m going to stand in the bay window in a TOWEL until I’m sure they’ve noticed me, and then I’m going to drop the towel and slowly jerk off. And that, Rant Line™, is how you deal with this sort of shit. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hi. This is for the person who called asking about where all the guys are who love Springsteen. Well, I think they’re in jail, or fixing a CAR BATTERY or something. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, you know what? This is the guy who called about Halloween sluts and Halloween puritans and shit, and you know something? Fuck yourselves, okay? Sorry if I hit on a topic that everyone else already talked about, but I didn’t realize I was calling the New Submissions in the Category of Editorial Excellence Line™, so if I repeated something you read in fucking Vice or saw on John Stewart, suck my balls. It doesn’t mean I hate women because I comment on how they slut it up for Halloween! And as a matter of fact, I DID get laid. It was with Slutty Marine Girl. OORAH, bitches! {BLEEP!]

M What’s wrong with BANJOS? I’ve wanted to play the banjo since I was a kid but nobody ever took me SERIOUSLY. I finally bought one when I started making enough money to buy things like banjos but now I never have time to even think about it. It just sits there making me SAD that I can’t play it. But I love the banjo. Banjo is fucking awesome! Expand your tastes, yo. ]BLEEP!]

M Hi. I just read this thing about a guy in Ontario who’s in a VEGETATIVE STATE, but doctors have found a way of communicating with him by reading his brain waves and interpreting what he’s trying to say. I’m just wondering if he just keeps asking them, “So what do you plan to do about this vegetative state? Are you guys really doing all you can?” I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d be saying. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. There’s a guy at my work who I’d been crushing on since I started here in August, and now he’s grown the most ridiculous MOUSTACHE for this MOVEMBER thing and it makes me want to CRY. It’s really not cool to grow a moustache. Not for any reason. Somebody needs to come here and hold him down and shave his face because now every time I look at him I just about burst into tears. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to call in and say how nice it is that there’s no HOCKEY. Makes it worth going out again. For a while there, hockey was something people went to a sports bar to watch, but the past few years it seems any place that has tables and chairs and a menu sees the need to also have TVs showing hockey games. No hockey is a great treat and we should all CHERISH this time. I hope it doesn’t come back in time to ruin Christmas! Thanks! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I know this might be a subject close to your hearts since you were once in the newspaper business before you got FIRED by QUEBECOR. See, the Gazette published this headline that said “Man found dead in alley, police say.” I think that’s pretty BAD JOURNALISM right there. Are they trying to say maybe a man wasn’t found dead in an alley, and they’re covering their asses by saying “or at least that’s what the police say?” Was a man dead in the alley or not, for fuck’s sake. [BLEEP!]

F What is up with OLD GUYS and those CAPS they wear? I am talking about really old guys. I’m not sure what era those caps are from, but they are a very old style. You know the ones I mean. And whenever I am in my car driving behind someone who is driving very slowly, or is being super cautious but is about to do something stupid, when I get beside them and look into their car, it as an old guy wearing one of those caps! But now, even weirder, I am starting to see some YOUNG GUYS wearing those caps! They look ridiculous! I suspect they are going bald, but they are too old to keep wearing a baseball hat, and they aren’t hipsters, so they don’t want to wear a FEDORA hat, so instead they think it will be cool if they wear an old guy cap. And so they wear it everywhere, all the time. And I guess they think they are looking cool, and that nobody suspects for even one second that they are going bald. But instead what is happening is that when people look at them wearing an old guy cap, all they do is imagine their bald head underneath the cap! They go, is he totally bald? Or does he have some hair left? What kind of bald is it? How much hair is there? But also you know what, I don’t know where a person would even buy a cap like that! The Bay? Ogilvy’s? Is there an old guy cap store that I don’t know about? [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M What up Rant Line™, so happy to see that you are still there. My rant today focuses on Mumford & Sons. I cannot stand them. I cannot believe that Montreal’s only rock station, CHOM FM, is playing this crap. There are BANJOS on it, for chrissakes. That’s not rock. That’s a frickin’ bluegrass song—being played on CHOM! I cannot believe this and it’s gotta stop. Bring back some real heavy music on CHOM and stop playing this MILQUETOAST. Please. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Halloween Slut STALKER—hope you had a great night creeping out those of us who didn’t consider the idea that we were going out to put on a show for you and and the LITTLE ZOMBIE PEE-PEE that controls so much of your lonely life. Get fucked, loser. Maybe it’ll help you deal with your misogyny better. [BLEEP!]

M To the Halloween Guy looking for SLUTS. Dude, first of all, you sound like a WOMAN HATER. Secondly, this Halloween of all Halloweens was the year when everybody with a mouth had to point out that slutty costume thing. This debate never stops! Women and sluttiness. I’m a dude and I like a REVEALING OUTFIT as much as the next dude, but fucking let it go. I’ll also add that every lame writer in North America and beyond has had their say about it. Get over it. And what about all the douchebags who dress day-to -day just to get laid, as if there GREASE is going to attract women? Halloween versus 365 of greasy douchebags. And then the stupid question about the modest girl—is she the slut? Dude, you hate women. Good luck ever getting laid. [BLEEP!]

M Hey what’s up Rant Line™. I’m totally DRINKING with my boss right now. It’s a blast. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, where are all the guys who love SPRINGSTEEN as much as I do? [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to let everyone know that there is indeed STILL AIDS. It’s out there and it’s waiting to kill you. But it was too hard to make money off of AIDS. People were hesitant of giving money to charities trying to find a cure for AIDS because of all the sex and needles required to get it. They tried to make it all sad by talking about AIDS babies for a while, but the public didn’t bite, so they just stopped trying to sell AIDS altogether, and went back to selling CANCER. Oh! The Cancer Bogey Man will get you! Donate now! Give us ALL your MONEY so we can fight cancer! Yeah. The only diseases that get talked about are those promoted by the INDUSTRIES that can profit from people being scared of them. No way to make money off it, no discussion. That’s how it works. But, yeah. Stay away from AIDS, because until there’s AIDS-covered cancer that you can get from eating processed foods, nobody will do anything about it. It’s a little sad, actually. [BLEEP!]

F So it’s Saturday night here and I’m staying home because I’m a bit FLU-ISH, and there is absolutely nothing on TV. So I’m forced to watch Gossip Girl in FRENCH. But you know what’s the worst part? What the hell is with the French commercials? I mean, all commercials are dumb, usually, but this is like a whole new world of dumb commercials that I’m scared to think someone thinks are supposed to be funny. I’m proud to say I’m Canadian when it comes to talking about Canadian comedy. It’s usually clever, maybe a little HIGHBROW. But this Quebecois stuff is a far shot from that. Take some time and watch French television, and pay attention to the commercials, and you’ll see what I mean. Embarrassing. Thanks for your time, guys. (bleep)

M Am I the only one who walks by a No Parking sign—the ones with the BIG P with a circle and a line through it—and instantly wants to pee on it? I’m not, right? [BLEEP!]

F In response to the Corruption Marveller in Montreal. Do you really think that Montrealers are surprised at what’s going on in city hall. I mean, most of us already knew about that, and the only difference is that the media wasn’t talking about it. The MAYOR could just sit pretty in his home and pretend that everything was ok, because he wasn’t being exposed. This is nothing new. The only difference is that now the media is actually paying attention. And the reason most people aren’t on in the street protesting right now against the city is because something is actually being done about it—there’s a commission going on, it’s being investigated. But don’t kid yourself, there have been rallies against this administration for years. For many different causes having to do with municipal problems. For years. It’s all coming into my head, man. This time, most people are just happy to follow the headlines for once and sit at home laughing. This guy is going to get what he deserves, all of them are going to get what they deserve— hopefully. But let this be a lesson to all Montrealers—when only 34 per cent of you get out and vote in the municipal election for the same guy who’s been doing this shit, you also get what you deserve. Maybe consider some alternative next time. We didn’t need this mayor this election this time around anymore than we needed him the last time. [BLEEP!]

F So that’s it for Tremblay. Off he goes, disgraced and bizarre, with his weird bald head and NAZI-SCIENTIST EYE GLASSES. I just wish he’d have announced his resignation and then rode off on a BIXI! [BLEEP!]

M And take your fucking bike lanes with you on the way out, Tremblay! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).