“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hello. I’m calling about the article about the PEEP SHOWS being an ICKY place. Just want to let you know that this is one of the few places in town where I get peace and quiet all to myself. All right. Good on you. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person who almost got hit by a car while holding a bottle of POWERADE. First off, that shit will kill you as it’s full of chemicals a human body doesn’t thrive on. Second, that’s an awful lot of thinking to do while almost being hit by a car. If you had time to do that much thinking, maybe you’d have been better off getting out of the way. Seems you had plenty of time to do so, which means to me that you weren’t in much danger in the first place. Anyway. Keep safe and stop drinking Powerade. [BLEEP!]

F When you come right down to it, what was wrong with my ex-boyfriend was that he did not understand—he did not get— rock ’n’ roll. And that’s why we couldn’t be together and that’s why I don’t regret breaking up with him at all. [BLEEP!]

M As Montreal gears up for the annual flu/cold, dress-you -warm, dress-you-hot, fuck-I’m-sick reality that we live in, there’s something we’re missing. We’re all PARANOID, what with the antiseptic pumps everywhere and signs telling you to wash your hands every five feet. But what about all the coffee places that leave lids, cream sugar, sticks, all that shit, out? A million fucking hands touch that shit every single day! It’s disgusting. I don’t stick my mouth on things on the Metro, but I sure as fuck do on the coffee cup lid. And I know I’ve evacuated a NOSEFUL at the Second Cup on a napkin two feet from the cream and sugar. Which is disgusting on my part, but hey, at least I can admit it. My trick is to take the lid from the bottom. [BLEEP!]

M Motherfucker. That’s all I can say about things right now. Jesus motherfucking Christ. (BLEEP)

F Yeah, to the hot guy whose dick had retracted into his abdomen from the cold, we’re a couple of hot college girls—I’m CANDY and my room-mate is BAMBI—and we were just sitting here talking about how much fun it would be to suck a guy’s dick out of his abdomen. If you’re interested, you could meet us most Saturday nights at PINK TACO. Just ask for us at the bar. Everyone knows who we are! Hope to see you there. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. I’m calling to say that I find your Rant Line™ is becoming a little DICK HEAVY these days. Lots of talk about dicks and guys wanting to do things with their dicks. I’m just wondering if you might be purposefully EXCLUDING THE PUSSY due to some sort of agenda. Maybe everyone who calls you is a dick? Or maybe you just love dicks? [BLEEP!]

F I’m sitting at Magma with SALT STAINS up to my knees and soaking wet shoes and feet from walking around and trying to do some shopping, and I just wanted to say this is most definitely not the most WONDERFUL time of the year. In fact, it seems to be the very WORST TIME if you have to leave the house at all and try to navigate Montreal’s collapsing streets. I might even go get a pair of HIP-WADERS to make my way home in. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah hi. To the 470 bus driver who just saw me standing at the bus stop, right directly in front of it, and drove right by—fuck you, you asshole. I hope your Christmas really sucks this year. [BLEEP!]

F The falling snow is so beautiful I want to cry! Merry Christmas! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi. It’s Cigarette Warning Label Man. First off, yeah, lady. Cancer models. What about it? Also, what about this warning that says “Quitting smoking increases life expectancy and improves quality of life,” and then there’s a picture of two old fat people in the countryside, in, like, LEISURE SUITS, holding hands and walking somewhere. I assume to go and fuck. Old person fucking, no less. Really? That is your big sell? I can be an old fat guy fucking an old fat chick? No thank you. I’d rather fuck a hot chick in the bathroom of a dirty bar spectacle in LAVAL and then have a smoke in the  alley, if it’s all the same to you. Maybe we’ll even get some BLOW. How’s that for an improved quality of life? [BLEEP!]

F I just would like to say that I think it’s better to sing badly for your money than just stick a CUP in my face and ask for change, so yeah. You did the right thing, girl! [BLEEP!]

F As I was crossing the street in busy rush hour traffic, I nearly got run over by a car turning onto the intersection. I happened to have a POWERADE in my hand, and I thought to myself, well now, this is interesting. I could have whipped the lid off the Powerade, held it like a DICK and sprayed it all over the hood of their car in protest. And then I thought, this could be a really hilarious commercial, with the slogan, Powerade Truly empowers. Or something like that. Oh the power of the imagination! [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to go over some pretty BASIC ETIQUETTE. One thing that seven billion people on the planet have in common, that we learn when we are two or three years old, is that if somebody is in your way and you’re not paying attention and you collide with them, it’s your fault. It’s not the other person’s fault! It happens so often that I just have to conclude that people are self-centered and rude. Nothing new there. But it manifests itself in a very benign but telling way—we are not as good, as people, as we were when we were three years old! As I walk down the street, talk, hold a coffee and smoke a cigarette, I still manage not to bump into people. Isn’t that fucking incredible! I must be HIGHLY EVOLVED specimen of a human! So I change my tune. I am highly evolved and I am leaving all these clumsy fuckers behind in the dust of humanity on the trail of evolution. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling to offer a public apology to the guy I called a “complete fucking moron” while walking down St. Laurent last night. It was pointed out to me later that you had not actually knocked the box out of that woman’s arms and just kept walking. The handle on the box just ripped off, coincidentally, as you passed by. Sorry. I’m sure you’re a great guy. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, I’m calling you from my office, where I work and as I speak, my dick has FULLY RETRACTED INTO MY ABDOMEN because it’s so goddamned cold in here. It’s cold, because nobody seems to think heat in the dead of winter is a reasonable expense to incur. Profits over people, and all that. By the time you read this, I’ll likely be all Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. So get the word out. God bless. [BLEEP!]

F Why is it there are so many DRUNK assholes on the streets this time of year? I’m guessing it has something to do with office Christmas parties, because all the office assholes go out and drink on the company tab and stagger off bloated with half-flaccid erections from sexually harassing the younger office workers. I swear, leave those dicks in the WEST ISLAND instead of letting them have their parties at our downtown bars. We don’t need more assholes around here. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the Racist White Guy who was complaining that he got a BONER when looking at Nicki Minaj. Well listen, first of all, you should never complain about getting a boner—it’s never a bad thing. Second of all, Nicki Minaj’s ASS is the only thing worth talking about when it comes to Nicki Minaj. Merry Christmas! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

FIND THE RANT LINE™ ON THE STREETS IN CULTMTL!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Can we talk about MOVEMBER here for a second? It has just been pointed out to me that there are way more people who do an UNSPONSORED Movember, which is to say they just grow a moustache, and don’t get sponsored to raise any funds. Purely an awareness campaign. It strikes me that the POPPY barely gets 11 days, if that. I couldn’t even find one this year. And yet this Movember thing—yay, we’re growing a moustache!!—carries on all month. Every year for a month we have to talk about moustaches—way past its shelf life. What about fucking Remembrance Day? Next year, let’s talk about that for a month. [BLEEP!]

M I just saw this NICKI MINAJ video and I’m really pissed off because I’m fucking really racist and WHITE and I saw this fucking BLACK chick with a giant fucking ASS and it gave me an erection and I’m not happy it gave me an erection because she’s black and I’m fucking really racist and white! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™, I’m wondering something. There was a guy at the corner of Stanley and Ste Catherine with an ACOUSTIC GUITAR singing for his daily bread, some song about not wanting to live in a world ruled by corporate interests and stuff. And the thing is, his LYRICS were pretty cool—but the guy could not sing. So what do you do in a situation like that? I gave him about $5 in change and said, like, “Awesome song, dude.” But I don’t know. Should I have said, “But you really need a better lead singer to carry the message?” [BLEEP!]

M So I’m happy to report that the PQ’s budget will have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever because I make NO MONEY and only drink other’s people’s beer or smoke other people’s cigarettes. Good job, Pauline! [BLEEP!]

M Shit, Rant Line™. Cancer MODELS? Really… the fuck is wrong with you? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m calling because right now while I leave this message, the INTERNET HAS BEEN CUT OFF IN SYRIA. Motherfucks cut the whole country off so they can carry out their evil shit and not have the OPRESSED PEOPLE suffering under a tyrannical regime get their message to the world. And you know what else? The only ones who seem to give a shit are ANONYMOUS. No mention of it on CNN or CBC Newsworld, but here are these hackers who everyone wants to label as criminals, and they’ve stepped up and managed to get dial-up lines open so the Syrians can use the Internet. They even released instructions on how to set up the Internet by opening up home WiFi networks and shit. And they did the same thing when fucking Israel started murdering Palestinians again in Gaza and threatened to disconnect their Internet. So maybe people should start fucking thanking GOD for Anonymous, because they seem to be the only people who want to help the common man. Never forgive. Never forget. Serious. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Dude, I was just at the Bay and there’s a CRAZY SALE with everything in the men’s department 50 per cent off and even more if you use a Bay card. But that’s not why I’m calling. I’m calling because when I went to pay for my stuff, the HOT BLACK CHICK at the cash was wearing this LOOSE-FITTING SWEATER, and i could already see her tits pretty good, but then she had to fix the tape in the RECEIPT MACHINE and was yanking and pulling and her tits were bouncing all over the place! It was unbelievable. So my questions is, is it cool to ask someone out at a department store cash? I’m fucking going back tomorrow. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the woman who called to say she gets off on watching guys JACK OFF. Listen, I get off on having people watch me jack off! So why don’t you call back and leave your co-ordinates, and maybe we can get together for a little seminal PUPPET SHOW. My place or yours. I’m free New Year’s Eve, too. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, can the young ladies of Montreal please come to terms with the change of seasons and start covering up? I swear, I’ve seen at least a dozen people in the Ghetto walking around with just as much FLESH on display as there was when it was 35-degrees out, except instead of looking all sexy slutty, they look slutty fucking freezing. Nothing sexy about shivering and generally looking like you accidentally got locked out of the club. Summer will roll around again, and you can put your tits back on display then. Thanks! [BLEEP!]

M [singing] It’s beginning to look a LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS! Eeeeverywhere I go! Take a look at the Cinq-et-Dix, clamouring for a piece of whatever little’s left of your HARD-EARNED DOUGH! It’s beginning to lot like Christmas! ARMED GUARDS IN EVERY STORE! But the shittiest thing to me, which shoppers cannot see, is on the SWEATSHOP FLOORS. Yes, the shittiest thing to me, which shoppers cannot see, is on the sweatshop floors! THANK YOU MONTREAL. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)