ON THE STREETS THIS WEEK IN CultMTL!

“edited” by Al South

M Ok so here we go again. I see on the news 233 people in Brazil are dead in a nightclub fire, caused by the band setting off fireworks. PYROTECHNICS. Duh, where have we heard this before. Yeah that’s right, in Rhode Island, the Station fire, about 10 years ago. One hundred dead because the band set off EXPLOSIONS and burnt the place down. Except that time the band was Great White, I don’t know who the band in Brazil was. But I hope for the sake of the people who died in Brazil that the band was better than Great White. The last thing you would want to hear when you are about to die would be Great fucking White. Seriously, I just hope the poor Brazilians who were burnt to a crisp were listening to something better than that. RIP. [BLEEP!]

F Hi there. I’m calling because my kitchen PIPES froze a couple of days ago and we don’t have any water in the kitchen. The plumber finally came this morning, and it turns out that our pipes flow into the café downstairs. So the plumber needed to go check out them out. However, the café owner went on vacation to Cuba and is nowhere to be found. Finally, after much digging throughout the day, using the many organizational skills which I am proud to possess, I got a hold of one of the café employees—who I will not name because I am too MORALLY AWESOME. I finally got him to agree to meet tomorrow morning at the same time as the plumber so we can finally get all our shit under control and do our dishes and move on with our lives and enjoy winter as much as we can, considering it is -370 degrees. The agreement was made the contract was struck, we were all meeting tomorrow at 8 am. But then he suddenly texts me back and says that he can no longer meet, that he checked the café and there is no problem there. And therefore he cannot authorize any plumber to go in and break anything or touch anything. And that I would have to call the café owner—who is in Cuba and not answering his cell phone! So he absolutely refuses to meet tomorrow and open the café for us. And he refuses to call me back. To me, this is the absolute antithesis of COMMUNITY SPIRIT. When it is –30 outside, I personally laugh a lot more looking at people’s faces outside. I personally feel more of a sense of humanity. The people who tend to do the opposite, who act like total fucking assholes, like this person who won’t be named, can suck my BIG THROBBING COCK. We have no water in the kitchen! And you have the key to the café where the pipe flows and you won’t let a plumber in to look for one second? Fuck you! Suck my cock until you choke on it! Ok thanks, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello. Bonjournee! I have what I think is the best way for our beloved Office de la Langue Francais to protect our beautiful language and culture and drive away our enemies. Instead of putting the French much bigger on the signs, make it so the English says the PRECISE OPPOSITE of what the French is. So then Arret is GO and Poussez is PULL, and so it goes on. And then when the English realize that they cannot do anything right, they’ll either change to only French or fuck off to Ontario! Push a pull door long enough and you learn, my friend. Merci et bon chance! [BLEEP!]

F Hey Little Wiener Man on the 24 who had a LOUD CONVERSTATION on his cell with another guy named Christian. Just wondering what that was all about. You were all like, “Want to meet up at Tim Horton’s?” But then you were like, “If you don’t want to stay, we can just meet for a minute and then you can take off.” What’s up with that? Was this a DRUG THING or what? I don’t know. But I want to know—I have  to know! Call the Rant Line™, Little Wiener Man. You can’t just have a loud conversation on your phone on a PACKED BUS and then leave all the other people on the bus hanging. God. I hope it worked out okay. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is about the craigslist caller who wanted to find an anti-Semitic friend. Shame on you and your HATRED. It’s no wonder craigslist banned your listing. Racism isn’t a quality I’d want in a friend, or even the mere TOLERANCE of racism. Time to step into the 21^st century and accept people for who they are. And you should be happy that your friend got a new job with all the unemployment. ONE LOVE. [BLEEP!]

M Dude, fuck yes about craigslist! I’ve posted, like, five times, and every fucking time it gets pulled down. Once it was even just that I found a BACKPACK and wanted to return it to the owner, especially since there was a BAG OF WEED in the backpack, which I would have also returned in full. More or less. And the post got pulled. Craigslist used to be cool and full of girls looking for generous men like me. Now it’s just a lame police state. [BLEEP!]

M Well hello stick-up-your-ass high-and-mighty woman who thinks guys shouldn’t masturbate because somehow this is rape. I’d love to discuss this further with you, and maybe DISSEMINATE all over your tits. What do you say? [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by Al South

M Hello. I’m a guy who has had himself a bit of good luck meeting LADIES in the bars. I’m no MALE MODEL or anything, but I do okay through my charms and I’ve learned a thing or two about the game. But you know something? There is absolutely no polite way to ask a lady if she’s a dude. And sometimes that’s a pretty fucking important question. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. About the FADED HOODY cash-money millionaire. I think I know who you mean, but can you be more specific? I didn’t think anyone else knew, but maybe we’re actually talking about different guys. Maybe there are TWO faded hoody cash-money millionaires off-the-rack mind-fucking us! More details, please and thanks. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say that everyone has made some really GOOD POINTS about HOCKEY and the NHL and I’m reconsidering everything I had believed and all I had felt on those things. So maybe I will and maybe I won’t watch anymore hockey. Thanks for all the points. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Prank Caller. Fellow prank caller here! Thanks for the tip! I didn’t even think a lot of people made prank calls anymore, so it’s nice to know you’re out there making the phones ring, pulling the pranks. We should set up some sort of PRANK SPACE, where we could all get together and make prank calls. I really don’t think there are a lot of us. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Gotta do something! I just got a call from a number I didn’t know and it was a  text-to-landline thing with the bizarre foreign-sounding computery-but-real voice, you know what I mean? Where they have someone record words and then the machine adds them all together to say what’s written in the text? Well that’s fucking… Hello?… Helloooo?… Ah… That’s fucking creepy enough, but I… Hello?… I just got one of those creepy things right now, at THREE IN THE MORNING… and the weird voice sputters… and I’m a little fucked up and did not need some shit like that because I just smoked a BIG BOWL of HASH. Gotta do something. Hello?…. Gotta do something. Ah fuck, I think it didn’t answer… Hello?…. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. I’m deep in the January doldrums and work sucks, so what I decided to do today is move the staff around to different desks, which seems to have caused some panic. Also, due to repeated complaints about HYGIENE, I had no choice but to move the most vile, disgusting, stinky individual away from everyone else, which means he’s now closest to my office. So I have to smell him all day, on top of having to see his PSYCOPATHIC GLARES every time I look up, and hear him on the phone talking about my wanting to “keep an eye on” him. No, buddy. I’d rather not see you at all, ever. It’s just everyone else refuses to be near you because the stink comes off you in waves and makes people tear up. Winter cannot end soon enough. And neither can my life. [BLEEP!]

M You know what can eat my shit? Craigslist. I posted EXACTLY ONCE in my life, and craigslist pulled down my post. I posted becasue one of my friends who I like to drink with got a really stupid fucking job and now has been, like, STAINED IN HIS SOUL by this work environment. So I need a new friend to drink with, which is, in a nutshell, what I posted to my Craigslist ad. And fucking Craigslist fucking removed it. I got some email about there being a community of users who view and moderate posts, and my post, which was me looking for a buddy to drink with—apparently was TOO OUT THERE for Craigslist. I mean, it was surrounded by posts from people looking for teenage girls to model underwear or pose nude, and ones for looking for guys with big dicks—I swear, that’s exactly what the ad said—“guys with big dicks wanted”—and whatever, cum on your face shit, and my fucking post—LOOKING FOR A FRIEND—gets pulled down. Unbelievable. Someone said it maybe was because I said my new friend should not mind the odd ANTI-SEMITIC QUIP, but, fuck me blind. Big dicks and teen girls being lured to their deaths and fucking sex crimes all over the place and then craigslist draws the line at a joke between buds? No fucking way, craigslist. Weak fucking sauce. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. With everything going on in the world that shows there’s a sick culture of rape and abuse of women, I find it a little disturbing that, A, there’s a guy who roams around Montreal who goes around looking at women to masturbate to, and B, that the Rant Line™ doesn’t see the problem in printing a message from this monster as though it’s a joke. You don’t have to look too hard to see a story about some GANG RAPE, whether it’s in India or in Small Town USA or right here in Canada. Or to find a web site with fucking sick creepers taking sneak pictures of usually UNDERAGE GIRLS to post to the Internet, or even to just see signs of the persecution of women. And the US just refused to sign a law protecting women from abuse. That’s how far we’ve really come, guys. Not very far at all. Women aren’t there for males to dominate and more people need to get that message out. Even you, Rant Line™. If you have an audience, you owe it to yourselves to disseminate the right message. Thanks. Hope you’ll do the right thing! [BLEEP]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hi, I have something to say to all the people who think it’s funny to talk about how bad it is to have the HOCKEY come back. I own a bar in Montreal and I had to get rid of two wait staffs because of the NHL lockout. I’ve made about half my usual earnings for this time of year because of the no hockey. Multiply that by all the bars in the city and all the other places that rely on hockey to survive—like restaurants and vendors—and you can imagine how much that has cost everyone. So instead of thinking you’re a HOT SHOT for saying there’s no hockey, think a bit about people who struggle to make a living selling things to people who watch hockey and love hockey. Then maybe you won’t think it’s so funny. Come on guys. We’re all a family in Montreal, and the Habs give us our earnings! Welcome back guys and GO HABS. [BLEEP!]

M When I was 19 or so, I was walking across the parking lot on Crescent at, like, three in the morning, with my buddy and we saw some FAT PIG slap his girlfriend. My friend went over and started kicking the shit out of the guy and, to everyone’s surprise, the woman started screaming her head off telling my friend to stop! And then she started hugging the fat fuck asking him if he’s okay and shit. And you know what, hockey fans? YOU are that stupid bitch, getting slapped in the face by a fat fucking pig, and then throwing yourself at him like he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Where is everyone’s outrage? The NHL owners and players don’t give a shit about you. They need your money and give you back a bitch-slap. No dedication to you, to their hired home team—only to money. If people had any self-respect, they’d tell the entire NHL to go fuck itself for their troubles. Share the NO revenue. But no—go buy your new Habs jersey for $150. Normally they’d all be on sale by now, because it’s the end of the season and a new one is coming out soon, but not this year, I guess, right? Fuck pro sports. Thanks. [BLEEP]

M The STM is seriously fucking up. I just took the 166 from Cote des Neiges and Queen Mary down to Queen Mary and then all of a sudden it turns around and goes all the way back to Cote Des Neiges. And fuckin’ I get off the bus and it just goes En Transit, instead of Hors Service, and just drives off. Like what the fuck?? I need to get home, it’s the end of the day. All the other night buses are done. This is beyond fucking stupid. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I just went down the street to buy myself some LUNCH. The bill was $5.49 and I wanted to pay with my debit card because nobody carries cash. And the FAT LITTLE PIG working in there said, “I’m sorry, there a $6 minimum charge.” And I’m like, what the fuck? And then she wouldn’t give me my lunch! I just want to say that all businesses who have a minimum Interac charge to cover the five cents or two cents are a bunch of cheap greedy little fucks. [BLEEP!]

M Look, I just found out that the price of STAMPS has gone up from 61 cents to 63 cents. What the fuck? Before Christmas I bought two books of 30 stamps, and now they are no good, because they are only worth 61 cents! So now I have to and buy two more books of two cent stamps! This is insane. And what’s even more insane, if you go to the Canada Post Find a Rate site, and use their calculator to figure out the price of a letter or parcel, it adds on TAX to the cost. So it is telling me that a regular small letter is 63 cents plus nine cents tax for a total of 72 cents. That is not true! It is a lie! If you don’t believe me, go try it yourself. Seriously, somebody needs to do something about this. It is not FAIR. [BLEEP!]

M You know what you are? You know what you are in your faded crappy $10 off-the-rack piece of shit HOODY? You are a young-money cash-money billionaire. You got us all fooled. Fucking go find some old WU WEAR. [BLEEP!]

F All right, so I was completely shocked to find out that even if you do *67 before you PRANK CALL somebody, there is still a way for them to get your number. All you have to do is call your cell phone provider and ask them about your billing, your recent activity, and say you’ve been overcharged. And they’ll tell you what you’ve been charged for exactly. They’ll say, well you got a phone call last night at three in the morning. Any you’ll be like, oh yea, from who? And they’ll tell you the number. They’ll tell you the motherfucker’s number! So beware prank callers—our days are numbered. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M How fucking great is it that DAVID FUCKING BOWIE has a new disc coming out? I may even buy this one, instead of just download it. Awesome stuff! [BLEEP!]

M Ok, I wondered how far I could get into the new David Bowie video, so did a SCIENTIFIC TEST. I put it on YouTube and watched the timer. At exactly one minute, I wanted to turn it off, it was so slow and boring. But the chorus hadn’t started yet, so I gave it bit more of a chance. At 1:30 I’d heard the chorus, or enough of it, and that’s when I turned it off. So that’s it: one-and-a-half minutes. If anything interesting happened in the remaining three minutes and seven seconds, please let me know. [BLEEP!]

F I can’t stop laughing at that girl’s rant about hockey and the guy who took her to a game on a date—I had the exact same thing happen to me! It was a few years ago and my friend set me up with her boyfriend’s friend, and we met in a group a few times and he says “Hey, I’d love to hang out sometime, just the two of us.” And then he tells me he’s going to take me to dinner and to see a show, and the show was a FUCKING HOCKEY GAME. It was when the Habs were in some sort of play-offs like three or four years ago. My God, it was bad. And the dinner was at the shitty Cage aux Sports in the Bell Centre, on top of it all. I wanted to fake an illness and go home. Anyway, when he finally drove me home we made out a bit in his car because even though he had no clue, he was still kind of CUTE. But then when I gave his junk a quick once over he had the most meager little erection you could imagine. That was strike three, to use a sports term. Dumb hockey fans with their itty-bitty dicks! Too funny! [BLEEP]

M YEEEEEEE-HAAAAWWWWW! STANLEY FUCKING CUP HERE WE COME! IT’S BACK, BABY! [BLEEP!]

F I hate the Christmas is over and everyone is right back to being a bastard. My office is filled with annoying ass-kissing BACK-STABBERS, and we all somehow managed to have a great time together from our Christmas party at the beginning of December right through Christmas Eve. Then we were closed for a week, then we all got back after New Year’s, and by the end of the week, everyone was right back to hating everyone else and trying to screw everyone over. Say what you will about religion, but Christmas does bring out the best in people. Even fucking douche-bags like the ones I work with. Wish it could be Christmas all year. Ugh. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi. I have a question about New Year’s resolutions. One of mine was to finally find a BETTER GIG and get the fuck out of this soul-sucking job I’ve been working at for five years. But first I need to know how many other people are on a New Year’s resolution high, scrambling to get their CV out there to escape their own shitty jobs. I think this might actually be the very worst time to look for work, because of the flood of MISERABLE guys like me trying to escape. I don’t necessarily want to PROCRASTINATE, but maybe it makes good logical sense to do so for a while. Like until summer or something. Could I get a rough number on who else is trying to find a new job these days? Okay.  [BLEEP]

F Stephen Harper’s a real piece of shit and I just want to say that I wish the Mirror were still around to call him out on the stuff he tries to pull. The Gazette is useless, and the TV newscasts are one smiling HAIR-SPRAYED asshole shy of being ET Canada. We’re all so screwed and there is no alternative media outlet to get the word out. Sad, sad state of affairs. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I’m a guy who enjoys PORNOGRAPHIC ENTERTAINMENT, and sometimes I’ll see someone in my day-to-day living who I think I might enjoy having some sex with, and then the next time I go to enjoy my pornographic entertainment, I try to find a film with an actress who sort of resembles that person. Well, I saw this CUTE ASIAN CHICK the other day at Berri metro station, and then when I tried to find a film with a cute Asian in it, I found that every Asian-specific film had the same Asian actress in it. This isn’t one of those “they all look the same” things. It was the same Asian actress in every pornographic film. Is there only one Asian actress in porn these days? Why is that? Anyone know? Thank you for your time. [BLEEP]

M Uh, Rant Line™, I fear I may have picked up a VENEREAL DISEASE over the holiday season as I am now constantly needing to scratch my dick. I guess it could be the dry winter air, but I’ve been around a lot of winter months, and don’t recall ever having such a chronically itchy dick. What is big itchy dick symptomatic of, please? [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by Al South

F Hey Happy New year! Hope it’ll be an awesome one. But where the hell is everybody? I just walked through the Plateau and it’s only 30 minutes after midnight on New Year’s Eve, and the streets are dead quiet. Has everyone already given up, or is there some super-cool place I don’t know about yet that everyone went to? Anyway. 2013! Yeah! [BLEEP!]

M Why is there no sidewalk? Why is there no parking? Why are there SKI SLOPES blocking my way at every corner? You know, I heard on the news Friday that it was going to cost the city of Montreal something like $26-million to clean up all this snow, and then nobody came around to clean it up! I’m just wondering if the number was released so it could sink in a bit before the city issued a continuation to the announcement like “… and so we decided that we’re not going to do it.” This city sucks a lot of balls lately. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F I just got back from the HOSPITAL, where I spent five hours in emergency getting X-RAYS because I fell and twisted my ankle while navigating the uncleared fucking sidewalks a full three days after the BLIZZARD. Nothing broken, thank you, but sprained really bad and I need to wear an AIR-CAST. So I want to offer a hearty Christmas go fuck yourselves to the people who are responsible for Montreal’s new inability to deal with a blizzard. We used to rock this shit, but now we’re like ATLANTA or something. Thanks. I feel a small bit better. [BLEEP!]

F I just heard there might be HOCKEY again, and everybody is all excited. Every idiot male, I mean. I just don’t get it. It is a boring, boring sport. Not only that, it is a totally CORPORATE sport. I mean, maybe a long time ago—years and years and decades ago—it was good. I believe old people when they tell me that. But my god, hockey sucks now. And I hate to tell you, but the Montreal Canadiens—the beloved HABS—suck just as bad—or maybe worse. I went to a game a few years ago—rest assured I no longer am with the JOCK GUY who took me—and I was bored to tears, it was so tacky. The lighting was terrible, the music was CHEESY, and everything was way, way overpriced. Honestly, it was like going to see Celine Dion or the Cirque de Soleil—it was on that terrible level of entertainment. It was just an awful experience. Yet I see people who should know better, people who have good taste in lots of other things, actually caring about hockey, caring about the stupid HABS. God, wake up and smell the coffee—hockey is awful, the Montreal Canadiens and the Bell Center are just abysmally awful, and society is better off if the league and the owners and the rich millionaire jocks stay on strike or in lockout or whatever it is FOREVER. God, it’s just all so CRETINOUS. [BLEEP!]

M Do you really think the PALSIED GUY in the wheelchair at McGill metro station really wants to be dressed up like an ELF? I don’t think he does. I think someone is using him to gather money, then taking his WOODEN BOX of change and spending it on crack and the whores that come with it, while the palsied guy cries alone in a dark room. Either that or the palsied guy is the greatest actor in the world, and he’s just taking advantage of people’s soft-spot for palsied guys, then laughing, hopping up and running home. Someone should look into this. Maybe even me. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the people who have SMALL CHILDREN, like, toddler-aged, I guess they call them. The ones who are always sick with one thing or another from always being around other sick little kids in their daycare—which is the place mommy and daddy dump you because they can’t take any of your shit for a single minute longer. Listen, it is the duty of a decent parent to advise friends and family that the little prick they’re toting around at Christmas time is not CARRYING FUCKING DISEASE. So that those of us who are polite enough to pay attention to your child don’t wind spending New Year’s Eve shivering alone on the couch, hacking up slime and wondering if the whole neck down has finally gone full-blown cancer on us. Maybe you could rub these kids down with a disinfectant and keep their mouths covered and WARN US that the kid is sick. Don’t just laughingly tell it to cover its mouth rather than cough directly into everyone’s food or face. The only thing I hate more than kids is dumb  fucking adults. Happy fucking New Year. [BLEEP]

F Hi Peep Show Patron. I’m sorry you can’t find anywhere else to go pass a quiet moment of jerking off. But have you tried your bathroom or your shower or—and I’m just going out on a limb here and guessing there’s nobody else in it—have you tried your BED? These all seem to me to be good enough places for you to jerk off alone without sitting down in a puddle of somebody else’s dried up SPERM. Just thinking out loud here. Bye! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Candy and Bambi! You two sound like fun girls to chill with! I don’t have a cock up in my ABDOMEN, but I do have one that will reach up into yours! Is it cool if I stop by and see you, too, or is your offer only valid for SHRIVEL DICK? [BLEEP!}

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)