“edited” by AL SOUTH
M How fucking great is it that DAVID FUCKING BOWIE has a new disc coming out? I may even buy this one, instead of just download it. Awesome stuff! [BLEEP!]
M Ok, I wondered how far I could get into the new David Bowie video, so did a SCIENTIFIC TEST. I put it on YouTube and watched the timer. At exactly one minute, I wanted to turn it off, it was so slow and boring. But the chorus hadn’t started yet, so I gave it bit more of a chance. At 1:30 I’d heard the chorus, or enough of it, and that’s when I turned it off. So that’s it: one-and-a-half minutes. If anything interesting happened in the remaining three minutes and seven seconds, please let me know. [BLEEP!]
F I can’t stop laughing at that girl’s rant about hockey and the guy who took her to a game on a date—I had the exact same thing happen to me! It was a few years ago and my friend set me up with her boyfriend’s friend, and we met in a group a few times and he says “Hey, I’d love to hang out sometime, just the two of us.” And then he tells me he’s going to take me to dinner and to see a show, and the show was a FUCKING HOCKEY GAME. It was when the Habs were in some sort of play-offs like three or four years ago. My God, it was bad. And the dinner was at the shitty Cage aux Sports in the Bell Centre, on top of it all. I wanted to fake an illness and go home. Anyway, when he finally drove me home we made out a bit in his car because even though he had no clue, he was still kind of CUTE. But then when I gave his junk a quick once over he had the most meager little erection you could imagine. That was strike three, to use a sports term. Dumb hockey fans with their itty-bitty dicks! Too funny! [BLEEP]
M YEEEEEEE-HAAAAWWWWW! STANLEY FUCKING CUP HERE WE COME! IT’S BACK, BABY! [BLEEP!]
F I hate the Christmas is over and everyone is right back to being a bastard. My office is filled with annoying ass-kissing BACK-STABBERS, and we all somehow managed to have a great time together from our Christmas party at the beginning of December right through Christmas Eve. Then we were closed for a week, then we all got back after New Year’s, and by the end of the week, everyone was right back to hating everyone else and trying to screw everyone over. Say what you will about religion, but Christmas does bring out the best in people. Even fucking douche-bags like the ones I work with. Wish it could be Christmas all year. Ugh. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, hi. I have a question about New Year’s resolutions. One of mine was to finally find a BETTER GIG and get the fuck out of this soul-sucking job I’ve been working at for five years. But first I need to know how many other people are on a New Year’s resolution high, scrambling to get their CV out there to escape their own shitty jobs. I think this might actually be the very worst time to look for work, because of the flood of MISERABLE guys like me trying to escape. I don’t necessarily want to PROCRASTINATE, but maybe it makes good logical sense to do so for a while. Like until summer or something. Could I get a rough number on who else is trying to find a new job these days? Okay. [BLEEP]
F Stephen Harper’s a real piece of shit and I just want to say that I wish the Mirror were still around to call him out on the stuff he tries to pull. The Gazette is useless, and the TV newscasts are one smiling HAIR-SPRAYED asshole shy of being ET Canada. We’re all so screwed and there is no alternative media outlet to get the word out. Sad, sad state of affairs. [BLEEP!]
M Hello. I’m a guy who enjoys PORNOGRAPHIC ENTERTAINMENT, and sometimes I’ll see someone in my day-to-day living who I think I might enjoy having some sex with, and then the next time I go to enjoy my pornographic entertainment, I try to find a film with an actress who sort of resembles that person. Well, I saw this CUTE ASIAN CHICK the other day at Berri metro station, and then when I tried to find a film with a cute Asian in it, I found that every Asian-specific film had the same Asian actress in it. This isn’t one of those “they all look the same” things. It was the same Asian actress in every pornographic film. Is there only one Asian actress in porn these days? Why is that? Anyone know? Thank you for your time. [BLEEP]
M Uh, Rant Line™, I fear I may have picked up a VENEREAL DISEASE over the holiday season as I am now constantly needing to scratch my dick. I guess it could be the dry winter air, but I’ve been around a lot of winter months, and don’t recall ever having such a chronically itchy dick. What is big itchy dick symptomatic of, please? [BLEEP!]
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