“edited” by AL SOUTH

 M Let me  say this bro. I’m too old now and don’t listen to any music, let alone METAL. But then I read the Rant Line™ and saw that guy talking about metal and FANTASY I thought, fuck, man—MANOWAR. And now I can’t stop fucking listening to Manowar again and I haven’t listened to them in seriously over a decade! And they’re fucking touring! Let’s get Manowar to Montreal this summer! [BLEEP!]

F While we’re on the subject of CASHIERS, let me get this one out there— didn’t there used to be a time the cashier would pack your bags for you? Or some PIMPLY teenage boy would pack your bags? Now it’s just, “Do you need a bag?” And if you say yes, they toss you a plastic bag, or if they so no they toss you nothing, and hurry through ringing up the items while you struggle to pack, get money out, get change, and then they’re moving right on to the next person, shuffling all the other person’s EGGS and whatever at you to make it more clear that you’re taking too much time getting your crap packed up. Meanwhile, all the assholes in line are like glaring at you. It’s seriously a nerve-wracking affair to go to the supermarket these days. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, you know what’s more ironic than ironic FACIAL HAiR? Sucking my salty balls, you piece of shit douche hipster. Seriously. You’re pathetic. Kill yourselves. [BLEEP!}

F I’m just curious on what planet is suspension WITH pay a punishment? I mean, I don’t know if everyone saw it, this YouTube thing of the guy in Trois-Rivieres who was beaten—I mean seriously assaulted without any reason—by the cops, and they were all suspended with pay! By my definition, not working but still getting paid, that’s a VACATION. So these four animals, who beat the shit out of this guy, they lie to their supervisors about how he was threatening them. Then the video gets out and it shows this guy lying on the ground, basically saying, “Okay, I’m just going to lay here so you can arrest me,” and then these fucking animals start ripping him apart. And their supervisors are like, “Oh, well they clearly lied and were clearly wrong, so we’ll let them take some time off to think about their actions while we conduct an investigation. And while they’re off for being animals, we’ll just keep right on paying them their salaries.” I understand a full investigation or whatever has to be done, but let them sit home with no money and an ELECTRONIC SHACKLE on their ankles while they wait. If me and my friends beat the crap out of a guy,  we wouldn’t be told to go on home and relax while the cops looked into it. Amazing. And did you hear about the girl out west who called the cops because she was raped and then they found some outstanding warrant and threw her in a jail cell for the week-end—just raped and without medical care? And this whole RCMP scandal, being accused of terrorizing aboriginal women for years? Psychopaths with badges. They don’t deserve our respect and they sure don’t deserve paid vacation as punishment. [BLEEP!]

M Won’t be long now. All the snow will be gone and the nights will be warm. The birds will sing in the trees and the drink will flow and life will return to Montreal. And then we’ll all get to see some TITTIES. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, keep up the awesome RACISM, Rant Line™. You were sort of getting side-tracked and maybe a little heavy on the sexism, so it’s great you found some time to up your racist content, too. It’s what the world needs more of. Racism. And I’m being sarcastic, in case you didn’t know, so…. okay. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I have a question that maybe you can give me the answer to. Why do all your ranters always make claims to have such BIG DICKS? For example, a few weeks ago someone mentioned sucking a big throbbing cock. Are callers more likely to have big cocks and that makes their brains smaller, or are their brains small so they don’t know how to measure their cocks, and they just assume it’s big? Or are they just all liars? Maybe they do all have big dicks, but it seems more likely to me they’ve got little dicks and that’s why they call you to complain instead of BEING A MAN and dealing with their shit maturely. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think so. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™! You are my love and my sweetest thing! Rant Line™, I like to read you and I like to cover you in honey and lick it off of you under the stars and the moon! Rant Line™, don’t you ever go and be something you’re not because you’re already everything to me! Oh, Rant Line™ my beautiful Rant Line™, I hope one day we can meet and make rant BABIES from sex! Tell me you won’t leave me, my beautiful Rant Line™! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yeah, about that Sam Dunn comment. I don’t think that guy who called knows what METAL is all about. It is rock music made specifically for the NERD. The whole thing is spun around a backdrop of fantasy-lit imagery. How many metal CDs don’t look like they were designed by a FRANK FRAZETTA fan-boy? Here’s a test for you—go ask any metalhead what MITHRIL is and watch him bust his nut. Yeah, the political people had punk. The nerds have metal. It’s how it goes. [BLEEP!]

M Hi! This rant is for the cashier at Provigo whose three-inch, glittery GREEN FINGERNAILS ripped open my fucking hand while she gave me my change today. Seriously. I was bleeding and everything, because her nails cut me open! Maybe that’s not the sort of manicure you want when you have a job like cashiering, or hand-jobbing or anything that might involve your dagger nails coming in close contact to anyone else. I don’t know if it’s some sort of GIRL GANG thing or what, but lady, you ain’t all that. Cut your fucking nails. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m the guy who sent the shout out to the Princess with the Frozen Pipes. Glad you’re in! You won’t be disappointed. Where do you want to hook up? Rant Line™, any chance I can give you my contact info to pass on privately? [Ed’s reply: No] [BLEEP!]

M I just saw a poster for a missing animal on a lamppost, heartbreaking to see that stuff. It was a photo of a fairly DAPPER looking TERRIER and a regal looking owner, and the contact information happened to mention that the dog’s name is GUSTAV. So I thought, maybe the dog ran away to a house where they are going to treat him like a dog, and not like a 19^th century French schoolboy! So if somebody out there has a nice new terrier named Trixie or something, good on you. But you might find that it really likes FOIE GRAS. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. I dunno, but I find it a little weird that the whole French/English war started up again in the Rant Line™ and then, like out of nowhere, the OQLF goes and tries to wage war on the word PASTA. It’s like you guys had a heads-up on it, like pre-breaking news or something. Or maybe they read the Rant Line™, and that got them going? But yeah, what did we learn? The somehow Buona-fucking-Notte, that pseudo-celebrity shit trap, is still around, that the OQLF is still a joke, and that the Rant Line™ is still awesome. Good one, guys! [BLEEP]

M This is for all the people who are flipping out about GRIFFINTOWN. Has anyone done their homework on Griffintown, as to what has happened here from the beginning of the century, meaning the 1900s, the late 1800s, to the 50s, 60s, maybe even the 70s? This place was completely a WAREHOUSE. It was EMPTY. There was nobody down here! And now everybody wants to rent down here. They’re building condos all over the place. And now there are all the PRETTY CARS, the little yuppie mobiles. And everybody’s going, “Yay Griffintown!” Nobody knows what’s in the ground. Nobody knows what’s in the dirt from digging up the metros and filling in the Guy basins. Because nobody knows what the Guy basins are. Nobody knows that there were DEAD HORSES back here. Nobody does their homework. So for all you yuppies going, “Oh, I want to buy a house in Griffintown,” do the homework, bitches. And to all you yuppies from Toronto, stay in Toronto! Learn how to speak French, for chrissakes, our country is bilingual. And you know, Griffintown—it’s the rut, it’s the rut. [BLEEP!]

F Is it possible that the guy who said Montreal is run by the Jews doesn’t know what a Jew is? Because I look around and I don’t see a lot of evidence to back him up. [BLEEP!]

M I fucking KNEW this city was run by Jews! [BLEEP!]

M Well, well! Look who went and got herself arrested! Old Bulldyke 728. I wonder if she enjoyed being on the other end of the fucking stick, although I’m sure she didn’t get the same fucking beat-down and NAZI TACTICS that the PIGS used against peaceful protestors last summer. It’s worth saying that the pigs didn’t give much of two fucks when that vile thing was using excessive force against the common citizen, but then the instantly shit their blue pants and go crying to the judge when she said something scary to one of their own. I guess they all think they might have another CHRISTOPHER DORNER situation on their hands, except that Dorner had his life ruined by other pigs, while 728 is just a cunt. And what does she get for her threats against another pig? Psychiatric evaluation and told to stay away from the other pigs. Let me save you some tax money—she doesn’t need evaluation because she’s a crazy, tightly-wound bitch of a woman who never should have been allowed to wear the uniform. Which is the case for so many of our Montreal pigs. 728 isn’t the rotten core of the corps. She’s just the fucking YouTube sensation that they feel they need to do something about. Fuck the police! (BLEEP)

F Hi, I just want to say that Officer 728 in no way represents all LESBIANS. Most of us are peace-loving and normal, not angry psychopaths. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Cheers, Rant Line™. I got two rants this week. RIP Machine Gun Lentil, best bass player in Montreal in the 80s. And also, has anybody seen this guy SAM DUNN. He has all these metal documentaries. Why is he such a NERD? I mean, for somebody who listens to such bone-crunching music, you figure he’d be a bit more NOT A GEEK! The guy’s a freaking nerd! [BLEEP!]

 M Ok, so as a member of the FOOD AND SERVICE INDUSTRY, I gotta say, I’m a little bit tired of all you fucking idiots. You fucking slack-jawed mouth-breathing YOKELS sitting around in my restaurant way after hours. You know, other people have to clean up after you assholes. Has it ever occurred to you that the kitchen may want to close? That the people working there may want to go home to their respective loved ones? I don’t think it has! Otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting around CAMPING on my ass. Thank you very much for your time. Have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

M I have a question. Why do francophone cashiers, especially in depanneurs and low-rent grocery stores—I guess it’s a folksy thing—why are they always saying c’est un GROS cinq et quatre-vingt-quinze? What’s even worse is when they gun it in English. “There you go that’s a BIG five and ninety-one.” It’s like translating an expression that just doesn’t work. Can someone explain this to me? [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. This in response to the rant concerning reversing signs in French to fuck up English people. For Christ’s sake, Montreal has been both English and French and YIDDISH and everything else in between for 150 years, if not more. Get real! I know you come from Chicoutimi and you don’t know the real world, but you know what? Move to Paris. You want to live in a place that speaks just French, move to Paris. Otherwise, you get used the fact that you live in god damn beautiful glorious Montreal. Get used to English! Learn it and live with it. Thank you very much. And also, everyone in Quebec should know that Montreal was built by the Scots, managed by the English and run by the Jews. For fuck sakes, Montreal is more akin to New York City. New York is not representative of small town Minnesota! Montreal should not be represented by a small-town suburban place like Quebec city. I hope you guys edit this properly to make me not sound like a drunk asshole. Thank you Rant Line™, I love you. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I liked it better in the OLD SCHOOL when the rants used to be printed in the paper, but then I guess motherfuckers became too cheap to invest in INK, or the ink price shot through the roof. Anyways, this digital shit, when the power goes down, no one is going to be able to read nothing! Digital shit! Digi, digi, digi—stuck to your ass like a Victoria’s Secret WEDGIE. Fuck that! Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, so what’s up with guys who you are not even going out with DUMPING YOU on Facebook? It says, “Hey, I am really sorry to be doing this by Facebook but it seems like the only way of communicating with you at the moment. I spent a lot of time thinking about stuff over the last couple of weeks and I realize that I am not over my ex-girlfriend and I’m really not comfortable going out with you. I know this must really suck and I am very sorry.” FUCk YOU. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’ve been having SEX, really awesome sex with this dude who has KIDS—two kids from two different women. And you know what? If I got pregnant I wouldn’t even know what to do. I know that I wouldn’t have an ABORTION though. Xl, xl. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is to the guy who would like me to show him how to keep it PIPING HOT. Yea sure, why not. I’m in. [BLEEP!]

F I want a man who can pull off a RATTAIL in 2013. [BLEEP!]

M Guys, what the fuck? Let me tell you this story. I always walk around downtown with my INFANT, and every time one of those DRUNK native junkies that camp down there says, “Oh! What a cute baby!” I smile and say thank you and keep walking. Well no fucking lie, I just walked by one of the guys I always walk by and I swear what he said was, “Oh, what a cute baby—I’m going to KILL that fucking baby.” And I smiled and said thank you and kept walking, but after a few seconds I thought, “Wait. What the fuck?” I mean, I didn’t feel threatened, and I’m pretty sure I could have dropped the dick if it came to that and if he could even have stood up to try anything, but is that fucking insane? You know? Should I even put up with that shit just because his brain was blitzed on whatever street-grade shit he got his hands on? I’m down with all this Idle No More, but seriously—SOBER the fuck up and watch what you say. Shit, just leaving this fucking rant has got me fucking angry again. I might go back there and kick the fucker’s ass. It’s my baby, for fuck’s sake! Fuck I’m mad. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M What’s with these coats that women are walking around in these days that look like VAGINAS? You, the ones with a big fur rim around the hoods that come down to like the middle of their tits? It looks like a big muff, au naturel. Is that supposed to be stylish? They’re god awful. So long. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, Crispy Brazilian ranter, I don’t think the Great White fire and this one are the same sort of thing. The Kiss club had LOOMING TRAGEDY written all over it. People crushed in, total disregard for anything close to regulations. Like much of Brazil, actually. And the bouncers weren’t letting people out once the fire started, and probably everyone was fucked out of their minds on COCAINE. Great White—that was fucking idiocy. This is some criminal negligence in Brazil. Keep dancing, freaks. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling because I can’t stop thinking about something. I was reading on the bus the other day, and I glance over and see something shiny on the ground. Shiny, but it was filthy from winter shit. So I look closer and figure out it’s a pair of EARBUDS just laying there. Nobody around them who they might belong to. They were obviously a pair of LOST earbuds. Not the shitty cheap ones Apple gives you for the million fucking dollars you pay for a fucking iPhone, either. These looked pretty good, okay… black and silver. Anyway, I wanted to pick them up, but then a bunch of people got on the bus and I didn’t want to look like a dick by getting up to pick earbuds out of the SLUSHY FILTH of the bus floor. But now I can’t stop thinking about them. I even looked on the Future Shop site to see if I could spot ones that looked like that, and I think they might have been Monster Jamz, which are, like, $150 earbuds. So that’s two people who are out some sweet earbuds. Me and whoever lost them in the first place. Why didn’t I just pick them up? That’s what pride gets you. Too big to be seen picking earbuds out of the dirt? Fuck yourself. No Monster Jamz, yo. Hope someone else got ’em. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I just want to remind DOG owners that the unbearable cold these days is just as unbearable for our little canine friends, and the salt on the streets makes it even more miserable on their little feet, so let’s make sure to put boots on the dogs, and coats, or at least some VASELINE on their paws before they go out walking. Most dogs do not like cold, so unless you have a breed that does, keep their comfort and health in mind when you go out for your walks. Thanks everyone! Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, I didn’t say I was looking for an ANTI-SEMITIC FRIEND. I said I was looking for someone who could stand the odd anti-Semitic comment. A good-natured joke between buds, you know? And I don’t think I need you chiming in via the Rant Line™ to condemn me for wanting to hang out with people who can take a fucking joke! Just because you make a joke it doesn’t mean you’re actually a RACIST. Some things are funny just because of their STUPIDNESS. Like if I suggest you’re a dumb bitch, I’m not a woman-hater. You could just be a dumb bitch. Which isn’t really a joke, but it seems pretty fucking true. And Rant Line™, thanks for letting every idiot in the world get their stupid comments about everything published instead of letting a good rant stand on its own merits. But the other guy was right. Craigslist has become a Police State and I thank you for your support. [BLEEP!]

F I think I HATE EVERYBODY WHO CALLS THE RANT LINE™! Seriously. What a bunch of low-class degenerates you attract. Doesn’t anyone with a brain ever call you, or do you just not print those because you don’t think they’re cool enough?

M Man, you guys are the fucking best! Every week I come to see what sort of comedy you have and I am never disappointed. Keep it up! You’re the best! [BLEEP!]

M Hello, lady with the FROZEN PIPES. I have a frozen pipe, too. Let’s get together and talk about ways to keep my pipe hot. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)