“edited” by AL SOUTH

M For the girl who woke up to a STOOP soaked with PUKE on St Pat’s, I think that might have been me. Not sure for sure, but I puked on somebody’s front steps. Sorry. Won’t happen again. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I’m sitting here with my feet up and a BOWL, reflecting on my day and I keep thinking about something but I have nobody to talk to. So hi, Rant Line™, what’s up? I was walking today and I saw two PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRLS walking toward me, wearing private school girl KILTS and chitter-chatting away. And one of them, a young redhead with braids who couldn’t have been more than 14, was doing all the talking. So as I pass I hear her telling her friend, “All I know is I HATE EVERYONE.” So young! And already hate for everyone! It gave me hope. [BLEEP!]

M I FUCKING LLOOOOOVE MY NEW C.R.E.A.M HEADBAND! Cash rules everything around me, except this headband, which I got FREE in the pocket of a tiny girl’s coat. YEAH! [BLEEP!]

M Yo! This one’s out for the shawty who had her C.R.E.A.M. headband snatched off her. Listen. Why don’t you just get up on the Internet and rebuy that shit? Can’t be much to do it and the Internet has fucking everything you need. If you tight on it, and you want to meet up, I’ll pay for that shit for you. Don’t be down, girl. Sunny days coming! Peace [BLEEP!]

F Oh my God! Can you hear this? (Ed’s note: We could not). That’s a fucking BLARING SOUND SYSTEM. Blaring some SPEEDCORE. Listen… And you know where it is? Mounted on the back of a dude’s WHEELCHAIR. He’s controlling it with his mouth. The chair, I mean. Maybe the sound system, too. But he’s just motoring down the bike lane, maybe not even able to move a muscle, but he’s rocking it like a fucking bad-boy Stephen Hawking. My GOD. If his dick worked, I’d be fucking his brains out right now. Anybody who says they don’t have what it takes to fucking rock needs to learn from this dude right here. I am in awe Rock on! Fuck, I should have filmed this. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is to report that your last Rant Line™ left me very hungry for GRILLED CHEESE and pizza. I have since eaten both those items and I am very pleased, but maybe a bit oilier and bit fatter and bit closer to a heart attack than I was before reading the Rant Line™. Also, if you check grilled cheese recipes online, there are people recommending a full FIVE MOTHERFUCKING SLICES or processed cheese. That’s a lot of slices and also maybe too many. Two should do you good. Five… too many. In the math measuring rules, five cheese slices is commonly known as “thick as a dick,” and that’s too many for a good grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway. Thanks for the dinner suggestions, Rant Line™. Anything for tonight? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so I was listening to TSN 690 and heard Mitch Melnick talking about having to SAVE THE RADIO STATION, and thought WHAT? Because there was this thing last year where Bell wanted to buy another media company that was also huge and full of shit, and then they were going to make TSN 690 a French station. But then the CRTC told Bell that they couldn’t buy anything else because they already owned too fucking much. But now it seems Bell are trying to buy Astral and they want to be able to have all the English radio stations in Montreal, so they’re getting these dumb jocks to go on the radio and basically beg for their jobs and try to get all their dumb listeners to sign a petition. Well you know what? I actually LISTEN to this station, and if it has to be shut down to stop Bell from buying anything else, then SHUT THE THING DOWN. Everybody needs to get in touch with the CRTC now and tell them to tell Bell to keep on eating shit, because the last thing anybody needs is a company as EVIL as Bell owning everything. If Bell has to eat shit, the radio station will stay open anyway. It’s only if they don’t get told to eat shit that anybody has to worry. So get off your fat asses and tell Bell to EAT SHIT. Thank you so much for your support. [BLEEP!]

F I want to say that I spend a lot of time doing something that you might know as ASTRAL TRAVEL, but which in fact has a name that I cannot pronounce in my current form, with my current physiology, as it requires PURE LIGHT to pronounce. It is through astral travel that I have seen the future and would like to express to some people the dangers they are facing, which can be altered, but not without some danger to myself and to my EARTH FORM. If you could please contact me I will give you some information that is imperative to the world finding its true meaning and for humans to find their true purpose, which is something both beautiful and terrible at once. But it is too dangerous for me to make this information widely available. Thank you and stay peaceful in your hearts. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!CALL 514-271-RANT (7268).

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F You know what makes Monday morning even worse? Waking up to find the sidewalk in front of your place covered in FROZEN PUKE. Thanks St Patrick’s Day, and thanks to the asshole who doesn’t know when he’s had too much to DRINK. Too bad you didn’t die choking on it instead of leaving it all over somebody’s goddamned HOME. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, well, I am kind of disappointed that so many people celebrate the fact that METAL IS NOT DEAD and that some people carry a love of metal into quite an old age. They celebrate that bands like Voivod are in their 50s and Augury are in their 40s and still kicking strong and stuff like this. Well, if you are anything else than an ANGRY TEENAGER, that means that you have brain problems. Even more worrisome about the latter case is that the singer is a teacher in high school and my cousin had him. It is not something to celebrate. [BLEEP!]

F Hi guys. I just wanted everybody to know I’ll be leaving my home tonight and I’m wearing CLOTHES, but will be bringing my vagina and breasts with me. I’ve been very careful to keep them well-covered, though, so hopefully that’s enough to keep me from being RAPED. I hope I don’t reveal too much because I’d hate for you guys to be powerless against your sexual urges. Really sorry for making you rape. Thanks everybody. [BLEEP!]

F I want to rant about these STUPID HUMANS in the buses and the metros. Take your KNAPSACKS off your backs. You stupid dummies. Take you knapsacks off your backs. I repeat, you stupid dummies. Take your knapsacks off your back. This means you, high school students, CEGEP, university, whatever. All you dumb-ass humans out there. Thank you. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M I’m sure that this is not an entirely Montreal-centric thing, but it’s gone on long enough. You people out there, men and ladies alike, who at some point, probably about 16 months ago, had your hair DYED bright blue or bright green. It was all bright and shiny and I’m sure you were proud of it. But now, after all that time, it kind of looks like SEWER WATER. I’m fucking dead certain no one chooses sewer water as their hair colour, no matter how crusty a punk you are. So it is time to cut the hair, book the appointment, get a fixer-upper. Shave your head, I don’t know. And another colour that is really disgusting is dead pink. It looks like you’ve got MISS PIGGY’S PLACENTA hanging out of your hair. So cut it, re-colour it, do something. But stopping walking around with a fucking sewer head. [BLEEP!]

F This is a rant for the cocksucker who stole my jacket yesterday at a faithful bar that I go to a lot on THE STRIP. I enjoy this bar, and you are ruining it for me. Now I have to forcefully feed myself an entire bag of FUZZY PEACHES to feel better. And the worst part is that it’s not the jacket I’m worried about. There was a really cool HEADBAND in there, that said C.R.E.A.M. on it, as in cash-rules-everything-around-me C.R.E.A.M. And I really liked it and I will probably never see it again, because you’re a fucking douchebag, somebody who is definitely not homeless, who steals a PETITE GIRL’S coat. Like what the fuck? You suck. You’re awful. Terrible. I hate you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, where is everybody? It’s my BIRTHDAY and I thought I was going to be surprised with a surprise party, but nobody asked me to do anything tonight at all. I’m home alone and it’s almost nine o’clock! Great way to turn 25. My friends are so useless and they know exactly who they are, so thanks guys. I guess I’ll go eat PIZZA in front of the TV. Thanks. [BLEEP]

M Yeah, it’s very late at night. Or maybe it’s early in the morning. I never got that. Is it night or morning? Anyway, I was out tonight and had a great time, had some pops, smoked some pot, talked to some girls. Then I’m walking home and pass some guy and he looks at me and he says, “Mmmm… GRILLED CHEESE.” Now that’s all I’m thinking about. And I think this guy was just saying “mmm grilled cheese” to everyone he walked by, like, screwing with their heads, knowing that they were going to be ready to kill somebody for some grilled cheese sandwiches for the rest of the night. I do not have grilled cheese just ready to go in my house, but from now on you can be sure I will. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Shout out to all my fellow St. Patrick Day revellers, who like to hit the bars and drink GREEN BEER until they puke. It’s only once a year, guys, so let’s make it count. Together we can be the most obnoxious drunk morons to ever get out on St Patrick’s Day! Also, didn’t one of the PARADE QUEENS pop a tit one year? I sort of remember that happening, but maybe I’m confused. Or was that at Carafiesta? But that’s not the point. The point is happy St. Patrick’s Day! [BLEEP]

F Yes, hi. I just want to say something to to the guy who had taken issue with what he called FROGS from FRANCE. You’re ignorance is very apparent in that name. They are not frogs from France, as you called them. They’re called PONCY assholes. Let’s keep things accurate here. [BLEEP!]

M Why the fuck wouldn’t I call cops PIGS? If you’re an animal that rolls in dirt and garbage, and you shove your way around like a dumb clueless beast by beating on people and shoving a stick in everyone’s face thinking you can do what you want because some other asshole let you have a badge and gun, then you’re a PIG. OINK OINK OINK! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I have a question for you. What’s with people who buy PETS even though they aren’t going to be around to take care of it? A friend of mine asked me if I’d watch his CAT if he got one and I told him no way and don’t get a cat. But you know what? He got a cat. Now he’s all, like, I need you to watch my cat. But I told you no. It’s IRRESPONSIBLE, is what. Don’t buy a pet if you’re not available to look after it. A real animal lover knows that already. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F I used to always love this time of year, when it finally THAWED and everything started coming to life, but for some reason I’m not feeling it. I live off Roy and it just seems like my neighbourhood is more and more full of loud, annoying scenesters ruining my warm, nights and the chance to finally open my windows with their loud SHRIEKING. I know I’m not getting old, so it must be the people getting more annoying. Don’t know why. If you’re reading this, though, and you’re one of those people who always makes noise between eleven pm and four in the morning in the neighbourhoods around St. Laurent Boulevard, then maybe think about what you’re doing. It’s one thing to scream and yell right outside the clubs, but once you’re off the strip, shut up please. People are trying to live a nice life. [BLEEP!}

M Hello Rant Line™. For the record, I’m making this call while ON THE CLOCK, as they say in the business world. Or at least they say it where I work, where we just all got letters about making personal phonecalls and Facebooking while quote-unquote on the clock. And so technically, I’m currently getting paid to rant to you, which is kind of awesome, except I’m getting paid so little that I’d have to keep this rant going for a full day or so to make it really worth anybody’s while. Which is the point of my rant. If you’re a huge corporation and you’re paying people—ike serious employees integral to the company’s functioning—a pissy few bucks an hour, and then on top of that you decide you’re not only going to pay them shit but also treat them like shit? Well, don’t be too surprised when those people decide to do as little as possible for their money. And maybe don’t be surprised when your four-year-old laptops are disappearing, or office supplies, or anything else that can help save a few bucks from the living expenses of your average under-fucking-paid 25-year-old. Because that’s what ten fucking bucks an hour gets you. How’s that revelation strike you as a good use of company time? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. Since we’re being honest, my own cock is quite small. Embarrassingly small. But I’ve got a tongue like a WEED WACKER, and it’s batteries never run low. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, hi. Thanks for the big cock update, bro. While we’re sharing, I have a tight, soft vagina. Hope you don’t mind a little HERPES. [BLEEP]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

ON THE STREETS IN CULTMTL!

F Jesus Christ, guy. MANOWAR? That’s some weak-ass fucking metal, dude. Let me know when you get some hair on your SACK. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy who called and said he was too old for metal now, but then a rant about METAL and FANTASY got him listening to Manowar again. Look, dude, a couple of things. One, you are never too old for metal. Never. Not until you drop dead onstage, or someone finds you dead in a Las Vegas hotel room with a stripper and a BIG BAG OF COKE. Well, that would be John Entwistle, not really metal, although his bass playing influenced metal. But anyway, you are never too old. Accept it. And two, now that you have accepted it—stop listening to Manowar! There is a lot of good metal besides Manowar. I should not have to tell you that. And there is a lot of good metal right now—of all different types. But do yourself a favour, go heck out Pallbearer, on the Profound Lore label. Check out Gorguts, from right here in Quebec, and also Voivod—still going strong. Check out Watain, from Sweden, that will give you some fantasies. I could go on, but you get the point. Metal will not die, and you should listen to it until you die. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who keeps calling policemen PIGS. You’re fucking annoying. [BLEEP!]

F I get that people hate hipsters and think the guys with IDIOTIC MOUSTACHES are ridiculous—and they pretty much are for sure—but I also think telling people to kill themselves is pretty dumb. You don’t know how many of those people maybe are actually thinking of killing themselves. It’s kind of obvious that a lot of these hipsters have zero self-esteem, because why else would they try to make sure they’re identical in every way to every other hipster in the world? And then they read that people are actually encouraging them to commit suicide? I’m sorry, but it’s pretty INSENSITIVE and not at all very funny. I don’t think suicide is ever the right choice and I also don’t think joking about it is ever humorous. Thanks for your time. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, it’s a good idea for the FACIAL-HAIR HIPSTERS to all KILL THEMSELVES. But you know what else would be good? If before they killed themselves, they took down a few of the fucking assholes who think putting an UMLAUT in the name of their business makes them stand-out as somehow cool. Usually anyone who knows the first thing about umlauts immediately notices that your business name sounds nothing like the way you’re pronouncing it, because you don’t know the first fucking thing about how an umlaut changes VOWEL PRONUNCIATION. It’s on the same level of idiocy as calling your bar the whatever-HAUS. [BLEEP!]

M My dick is in fact quite BIG. What’s the fuss? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is the Pipe Warming Guy with a shout out to the Pipe Warming Girl. Why haven’t you gotten back to me? You still game, or what? And fuck you, Rant Line™, for saying no to helping us hook up! Hope you don’t ever need anything from me, bro. [BLEEP!]

M Hey that guy who called in about summer coming and it being time to see some TITTIES reminded me of something. Wasn’t there a call in going last year where everyone was saying there should be tits up on the Rant Line™ site since we all like to see them? I mean, even the women I know are all about titties and always saying, like, “Whoah! Check ou her tits!” So it’s not just a dude thing. People like tits. Are you going to post some? Maybe instead of phoning in rants, you could have it so people can email in their TITSHOTS. Just thinking out loud here. Hope it happens, though. [BLEEP!]

M I have a question—what is it with all the FROGS here in Montreal now? I am not talking about the French Quebecers, everyone knows we all love them. I am talking about frogs from FRANCE. In my neighbourhood, condos are going up and frogs are moving in. Why are they moving here? What are they doing? And they are fucking annoying to look at, man. I saw one guy the other day, it was a snowstorm, a typical Quebec snowstorm, and he was going down the street in a suit jacket and dress shoes. Ugly suit and dress shoes, I might add. And he was acting like this was normal. He was acting like he wasn’t even cold. I am fucking surprised he was not wearing a BERET. For fuck’s sakes, if you are going to pretend to live here, get some proper goddamned winter clothes. Or better still, go back to France. Why did you leave there in the first place? [BLEEP!]

M I love that this guy is in love with the Rant Line™—that I love and respect. But if you ever read the Rant Line™ on my computer, pour honey on it, lick it off under the moonlight, you’ll be birthing Rant Babies™ all right. They’ll come out in the form of SHOES, delivered through your ANAL PASSAGE. But as long as you just love the Rant Line™ in your head, that’s okay. You can even jerk off to this. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)