“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Shout out to all my fellow St. Patrick Day revellers, who like to hit the bars and drink GREEN BEER until they puke. It’s only once a year, guys, so let’s make it count. Together we can be the most obnoxious drunk morons to ever get out on St Patrick’s Day! Also, didn’t one of the PARADE QUEENS pop a tit one year? I sort of remember that happening, but maybe I’m confused. Or was that at Carafiesta? But that’s not the point. The point is happy St. Patrick’s Day! [BLEEP]
F Yes, hi. I just want to say something to to the guy who had taken issue with what he called FROGS from FRANCE. You’re ignorance is very apparent in that name. They are not frogs from France, as you called them. They’re called PONCY assholes. Let’s keep things accurate here. [BLEEP!]
M Why the fuck wouldn’t I call cops PIGS? If you’re an animal that rolls in dirt and garbage, and you shove your way around like a dumb clueless beast by beating on people and shoving a stick in everyone’s face thinking you can do what you want because some other asshole let you have a badge and gun, then you’re a PIG. OINK OINK OINK! [BLEEP!]
F Hey, I have a question for you. What’s with people who buy PETS even though they aren’t going to be around to take care of it? A friend of mine asked me if I’d watch his CAT if he got one and I told him no way and don’t get a cat. But you know what? He got a cat. Now he’s all, like, I need you to watch my cat. But I told you no. It’s IRRESPONSIBLE, is what. Don’t buy a pet if you’re not available to look after it. A real animal lover knows that already. Thanks. [BLEEP!]
F I used to always love this time of year, when it finally THAWED and everything started coming to life, but for some reason I’m not feeling it. I live off Roy and it just seems like my neighbourhood is more and more full of loud, annoying scenesters ruining my warm, nights and the chance to finally open my windows with their loud SHRIEKING. I know I’m not getting old, so it must be the people getting more annoying. Don’t know why. If you’re reading this, though, and you’re one of those people who always makes noise between eleven pm and four in the morning in the neighbourhoods around St. Laurent Boulevard, then maybe think about what you’re doing. It’s one thing to scream and yell right outside the clubs, but once you’re off the strip, shut up please. People are trying to live a nice life. [BLEEP!}
M Hello Rant Line™. For the record, I’m making this call while ON THE CLOCK, as they say in the business world. Or at least they say it where I work, where we just all got letters about making personal phonecalls and Facebooking while quote-unquote on the clock. And so technically, I’m currently getting paid to rant to you, which is kind of awesome, except I’m getting paid so little that I’d have to keep this rant going for a full day or so to make it really worth anybody’s while. Which is the point of my rant. If you’re a huge corporation and you’re paying people—ike serious employees integral to the company’s functioning—a pissy few bucks an hour, and then on top of that you decide you’re not only going to pay them shit but also treat them like shit? Well, don’t be too surprised when those people decide to do as little as possible for their money. And maybe don’t be surprised when your four-year-old laptops are disappearing, or office supplies, or anything else that can help save a few bucks from the living expenses of your average under-fucking-paid 25-year-old. Because that’s what ten fucking bucks an hour gets you. How’s that revelation strike you as a good use of company time? [BLEEP!]
M Hi. Since we’re being honest, my own cock is quite small. Embarrassingly small. But I’ve got a tongue like a WEED WACKER, and it’s batteries never run low. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, hi. Thanks for the big cock update, bro. While we’re sharing, I have a tight, soft vagina. Hope you don’t mind a little HERPES. [BLEEP]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL (514) 271-RANT (7268)