“edited” by AL SOUTH
M For the girl who woke up to a STOOP soaked with PUKE on St Pat’s, I think that might have been me. Not sure for sure, but I puked on somebody’s front steps. Sorry. Won’t happen again. [BLEEP!]
M Hello. I’m sitting here with my feet up and a BOWL, reflecting on my day and I keep thinking about something but I have nobody to talk to. So hi, Rant Line™, what’s up? I was walking today and I saw two PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRLS walking toward me, wearing private school girl KILTS and chitter-chatting away. And one of them, a young redhead with braids who couldn’t have been more than 14, was doing all the talking. So as I pass I hear her telling her friend, “All I know is I HATE EVERYONE.” So young! And already hate for everyone! It gave me hope. [BLEEP!]
M I FUCKING LLOOOOOVE MY NEW C.R.E.A.M HEADBAND! Cash rules everything around me, except this headband, which I got FREE in the pocket of a tiny girl’s coat. YEAH! [BLEEP!]
M Yo! This one’s out for the shawty who had her C.R.E.A.M. headband snatched off her. Listen. Why don’t you just get up on the Internet and rebuy that shit? Can’t be much to do it and the Internet has fucking everything you need. If you tight on it, and you want to meet up, I’ll pay for that shit for you. Don’t be down, girl. Sunny days coming! Peace [BLEEP!]
F Oh my God! Can you hear this? (Ed’s note: We could not). That’s a fucking BLARING SOUND SYSTEM. Blaring some SPEEDCORE. Listen… And you know where it is? Mounted on the back of a dude’s WHEELCHAIR. He’s controlling it with his mouth. The chair, I mean. Maybe the sound system, too. But he’s just motoring down the bike lane, maybe not even able to move a muscle, but he’s rocking it like a fucking bad-boy Stephen Hawking. My GOD. If his dick worked, I’d be fucking his brains out right now. Anybody who says they don’t have what it takes to fucking rock needs to learn from this dude right here. I am in awe Rock on! Fuck, I should have filmed this. [BLEEP!]
M Yes, this is to report that your last Rant Line™ left me very hungry for GRILLED CHEESE and pizza. I have since eaten both those items and I am very pleased, but maybe a bit oilier and bit fatter and bit closer to a heart attack than I was before reading the Rant Line™. Also, if you check grilled cheese recipes online, there are people recommending a full FIVE MOTHERFUCKING SLICES or processed cheese. That’s a lot of slices and also maybe too many. Two should do you good. Five… too many. In the math measuring rules, five cheese slices is commonly known as “thick as a dick,” and that’s too many for a good grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway. Thanks for the dinner suggestions, Rant Line™. Anything for tonight? [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, so I was listening to TSN 690 and heard Mitch Melnick talking about having to SAVE THE RADIO STATION, and thought WHAT? Because there was this thing last year where Bell wanted to buy another media company that was also huge and full of shit, and then they were going to make TSN 690 a French station. But then the CRTC told Bell that they couldn’t buy anything else because they already owned too fucking much. But now it seems Bell are trying to buy Astral and they want to be able to have all the English radio stations in Montreal, so they’re getting these dumb jocks to go on the radio and basically beg for their jobs and try to get all their dumb listeners to sign a petition. Well you know what? I actually LISTEN to this station, and if it has to be shut down to stop Bell from buying anything else, then SHUT THE THING DOWN. Everybody needs to get in touch with the CRTC now and tell them to tell Bell to keep on eating shit, because the last thing anybody needs is a company as EVIL as Bell owning everything. If Bell has to eat shit, the radio station will stay open anyway. It’s only if they don’t get told to eat shit that anybody has to worry. So get off your fat asses and tell Bell to EAT SHIT. Thank you so much for your support. [BLEEP!]
F I want to say that I spend a lot of time doing something that you might know as ASTRAL TRAVEL, but which in fact has a name that I cannot pronounce in my current form, with my current physiology, as it requires PURE LIGHT to pronounce. It is through astral travel that I have seen the future and would like to express to some people the dangers they are facing, which can be altered, but not without some danger to myself and to my EARTH FORM. If you could please contact me I will give you some information that is imperative to the world finding its true meaning and for humans to find their true purpose, which is something both beautiful and terrible at once. But it is too dangerous for me to make this information widely available. Thank you and stay peaceful in your hearts. [BLEEP!]
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