“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, how is it there are guys who get up and think, “Oh, wow! It’s 14 degrees outside. I think I’ll walk down the street in SHORTS with NO SHIRT on, wearing a big cowboy hat and smoking a joint at 10 in the morning!” Wow… wish you could see this. Welcome back, season of stupidity. Missed you dearly. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know what it is, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a spate of public MASTURBATORISTS in and around McGill Metro station. Not all like dick-in -hand, go-at-it guys, but some hand-down-the-panters, subtle tuggery shit, too. Down in the metro, upstairs in the station around Beggar Lane, between the Bay and the Eaton Centre. You’d think there would be someone who would come around and tell these guys to BEAT IT. Not like they’re doing, beat it, but like, get the fuck out of here beat it. If this keeps up, I’m maybe going to start clocking these pervs myself. Be like the batman warring against jackers. Anyway, maybe you want to do a story on that. [BLEEP!]

M Spring is sprung, the grass is rizz, I wonder where my HASHISH is! Because I had it when I left the dealer’s, and now I doesn’t have it! So if anyone finds a little, bitty lump or two of hashish near Duluth and Napoleon, it’d be a nice thing of you to knock on my door and say “Voila! Your hashish! And maybe then we can smoke a small celebration to our new friendship! Au revoir, mes amis! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, listen Mister Plateau Census Expert, first off, brush up on your history lessons, because the Plateau and Roy have not, as you croaked out from the cunt in your face, “Always been a street of DEBAUCHERY,” okay? For decades it was for all manner of Jews and whatever else sort of immigrant who needed a place to raise a family with no money and away from the people who didn’t want them living too close by. The whole fucking scenester takeover is only in the past, like, 15 years or so. Fifteen years isn’t ALWAYS, is it? And second, there are families who still live in the Plateau and who don’t want to hear your cuntmouth shitting drunk noise at them all fucking night, and who don’t want their kids seeing your drunk ass covered in your own puke and stinking of pot and loserness. Die of dumb, you fucking joke. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m the dude who said he’d buy that girl a new C.R.E.A.M headband. Well, I actually tried to find one on the Internet for you, and I have had no luck. I figured I’d find it and at least rant out the link for you. Anyway, I’ll keep looking and let everybody know. Peace and love and all that shit. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to say that I’m 100 per-cent behind the dude wanting to tell BELL to eat shit. I told them to eat shit two years ago when they priced their shitty service right out of my interest level for a simple talk and data plan, and then tried to hit me up for a $500 charge in overage fees. It was sweet telling Bell to eat shit, and I guess it’s going to be just as sweet telling ROGERS to eat shit too, which I’m also about ready to do. NO PHONE is the way to go. [BLEEP!]

M I am the Cigarette Warning Man and I come to you with another episode in our on-going look at the frightening and cancer-preventing images that are put on our packs of delicious cigarettes. Exhibit whatever: We see an eye being held open by a terrifying metal clamp thing, all Clockwork Orange style, and into that EYE goes a needle. EWWWW! And the words warn us that smoking can cause blindness and macular degeneration and that THERE IS NO TREATMENT. Well, if there’s no treatment, what they fuck are they doing to that guy’s eye? AHA!! I will continue to uncloak the truth for you, Rant Line™! Await my next communication. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I just want to say I was just reading some way old Rant Line™s from the Montreal Mirror and you know what? I love the Rant Line™! It really is a nice snapshot of whatever people were thinking about, and even though the band names change and the locales maybe change, the basic feelings are really universal going back about five years, which is the oldest one I have around. But there’s always something crazy or something POIGNANT or something to learn about, like a local band or whatever. And there are always some idiots, too. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for all the rants and the fun and I’m glad you’re still here! Bye! [BLEEP!]

M Hey what’s up with them TITTIE SHOTS, bro? You ever going to post some up here? Because I keep checking back for them, and I don’t see any titties. Let’s go. [BLEEP]

F Fuck, yeah… I totally forgot about his mouth! Thanks, sister! If I see this dude again I’m totally going to hit him for a FACE-RIDE. Shit. Good fucking point! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

F Hey Rant Line™. This is a girl who is so ASHAMED of that girl who ranted about the guy in the WHEELCHAIR with the blaring SPEEDCORE system. What the heck does she mean, if his dick worked she’d be fucking his brains out? Honey, his MOUTH works! He can drive that wheelchair and play freaking speedcore rock on a blaring soundsystem! He could be fucking you with that mouth! What’s the matter with you, girlfriend? That dude is rocking, I’ll tell you that! And that mouth works all the buttons in the elevator, baby. Just to be clear, you are way too PHALLOCENTRIC. Differently abled people can be on top and ride you too, honey. It’s not just you fucking him. Why are you so power tripping on that dude? Rock the wheelchair sounds! And rock on Rant Line™. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is for Mr. Metal Should Be Dead. Dude, I am just curious, what kind of music do you listen to? Because metal is not just for angry teenagers. Actually, I’m, like, a YOUNG BOY, fairly civilized, and I think it’s just part of the culture. If you can’t appreciate it, just leave it to people who can appreciate and understand it. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. This is a first time caller, long time reader. This is to the guy who is crying about the SCENESTERS on Roy. Listen, Roy has always been a fucking street of DEBAUCHERY. He lives in the Plateau, and the Plateau is full of BARS. This is where all the tourists come to enjoy Montreal living. I don’t understand why this person would come and live in the Plateau—a populated bar area—and complain and screech to the Rant Line™. Fuck this kid! Fuck him to death! Ya. Good night. Edit this. Make it better. I don’t care. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F You know what’s awesome? It’s awesome that I can lie in my bed at two in the morning and hear whatever shit movie the asshole next door is watching in crystal clear, uber-bassy audio! I think the only thing better is when he’s calling his girlfriend a CUNT at the top of his lungs. Great stuff, guy! Thanks so much. [BLEEP!]

F This is the worst day. [Ed.’s note: This was followed by 46 seconds of silence] [BLEEP!]

F This is a response to the fucker who replied to my stolen C.R.E.A.M. headband rant, that he loves his new C.R.E.A.M. headband and he’s so happy about it and blah blah blah. I swear to god if I ever see you on the street, I’m going to punch you in the mouth and grab that headband off your head and then make a DODGE for it. But you probably won’t be wearing it, because it will be summertime soon and you will be one of those people getting piss drunk and puking and shitting all over the sidewalk and making the rest of the Plateau dwellers really unhappy. And to the other guy who said that he’d buy me a new one, that’s really sweet. But I can’t even believe I am putting this much effort to rant back about this—it’s just that I am still so mad about that stolen C.R.E.A.M. headband. But love the Rant Line™ for publishing this back and forth. Ok bye. [BLEEP!]

M This some seriously spooky shit. I am reading the Astral Travel Girl rant—apparently in her current physiology, it requires pure light to pronounce her name—and just as I was reading it, my motherfucking light burnt out! I would absolutely like the PERTINENT INFORMATION that Astral Travel Girl has to offer this earth, or at the very least me. I am impressed with her delivery so far. I am not going to leave an email address or anything, but I implore her to contact me with the rest of the message by flickering any of my lights. [BLEEP!]

F My MANTRA sends icewaves throughout the world and returns to me warmed. My spirit rides on an ELECTRIC EEL and I am invisible to all but the knowing, who call to me and ask for my prayers as I writhe by them in the untouchable, intangible form that is my gift. I can give them their happiness instantly, but there is much more to be done and I cannot stop from my path. I speak to them through an ectoplasmic larynx and in their hearts the signal comes in electrically. It’s not yet time. When it’s time, I will send the mantra, the eel and the voice to all hearts who have reached out to me to deliver them the joyous truth as it was sent to me. I won’t require a FLYING DISK, but might use one anyway. Watch for the day not just with your eyes focused, but also your hearts. I will pass this on only to you if you will reach me in the earthly ways. Peace be in your hearts and minds. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

M Hello. I’m sitting here with my feet up and a BOWL, reflecting on my day and I keep thinking about something but I have nobody to talk to. So hi, Rant Line™, what’s up? I was walking today and I saw two PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRLS walking toward me, wearing private school girl KILTS and chitter-chatting away. And one of them, a young redhead with braids who couldn’t have been more than 14, was doing all the talking. So as I pass I hear her telling her friend, “All I know is I HATE EVERYONE.” So young! And already hate for everyone! It gave me hope. [BLEEP!]

F Oh my god! Can you hear this? [Ed’s note: We could not]. That’s a fucking BLARING SOUND SYSTEM. Blaring some SPEEDCORE. Listen… And you know where it is? Mounted on the back of a dude’s WHEELCHAIR. He’s controlling it with his mouth. The chair, I mean. Maybe the sound system, too. But he’s just motoring down the bike lane, maybe not even able to move a muscle, but he’s rocking it like a fucking bad-boy Stephen Hawking. My god. If his dick worked, I’d be fucking his brains out right now. Anybody who says they don’t have what it takes to rock needs to learn from this dude right here. I am in awe rock on! I should have filmed this. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, well, I am kind of disappointed that so many people celebrate the fact that METAL IS NOT DEAD and that some people carry a love of metal into quite an old age. They celebrate that bands like Voivod are in their 50s and AUGURY are in their 40s and still kicking strong and stuff like this. Well, if you are anything else than an ANGRY TEENAGER, that means that you have brain problems. Even more worrisome about the latter case is that the singer is a teacher in high school and my cousin had him. It is not something to celebrate. [BLEEP!]

F Hi guys. I just wanted everybody to know I’ll be leaving my home tonight and I’m wearing CLOTHES, but will be bringing my vagina and breasts with me. I’ve been very careful to keep them well-covered, though, so hopefully that’s enough to keep me from being RAPED. I hope I don’t reveal too much because I’d hate for you guys to be powerless against your sexual urges. Really sorry for making you rape. Thanks everybody. [BLEEP!]

F I used to always love this time of year, when it finally THAWED and everything started coming to life, but for some reason I’m not feeling it. I live off Roy and it just seems like my neighbourhood is more and more full of loud, annoying SCENESTERS ruining my warm, nights and the chance to finally open my windows with their loud SHRIEKING. I know I’m not getting old, so it must be the people getting more annoying. Don’t know why. If you’re reading this, though, and you’re one of those people who always makes noise between eleven pm and four in the morning in the neighbourhoods around St. Laurent Boulevard, then maybe think about what you’re doing. It’s one thing to scream and yell right outside the clubs, but once you’re off the strip, shut up please. People are trying to live a nice life. [BLEEP!}

M Yes, this is to report that the last Rant Line™ left me very hungry for GRILLED CHEESE and pizza. I have since eaten both those items and I am very pleased, but maybe a bit oilier and bit fatter and bit closer to a heart attack than I was before reading the Rant Line™. Also, if you check grilled cheese recipes online, there are people recommending a full FIVE MOTHERFUCKING SLICES or processed cheese. That’s a lot of slices and also maybe too many. Two should do you good. Five… too many. In the math measuring rules, five cheese slices is commonly known as “thick as a dick,” and that’s too many for a good grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway. Thanks for the dinner suggestions, Rant Line™. Anything for tonight? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. Since we’re being honest, my own cock is quite small. Embarrassingly small. But I’ve got a tongue like a WEED WACKER, and it’s batteries never run low. [BLEEP!]

F I want to say that I spend a lot of time doing something that you might know as ASTRAL TRAVEL, but which in fact has a name that I cannot pronounce in my current form, with my current physiology, as it requires PURE LIGHT to pronounce. It is through astral travel that I have seen the future and would like to express to some people the dangers they are facing, which can be altered, but not without some danger to myself and to my EARTH FORM. If you could please contact me I will give you some information that is imperative to the world finding its true meaning and for humans to find their true purpose, which is something both beautiful and terrible at once. But it is too dangerous for me to make this information widely available. Thank you and stay peaceful in your hearts. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!