M Hello. I’m sitting here with my feet up and a BOWL, reflecting on my day and I keep thinking about something but I have nobody to talk to. So hi, Rant Line™, what’s up? I was walking today and I saw two PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRLS walking toward me, wearing private school girl KILTS and chitter-chatting away. And one of them, a young redhead with braids who couldn’t have been more than 14, was doing all the talking. So as I pass I hear her telling her friend, “All I know is I HATE EVERYONE.” So young! And already hate for everyone! It gave me hope. [BLEEP!]
F Oh my god! Can you hear this? [Ed’s note: We could not]. That’s a fucking BLARING SOUND SYSTEM. Blaring some SPEEDCORE. Listen… And you know where it is? Mounted on the back of a dude’s WHEELCHAIR. He’s controlling it with his mouth. The chair, I mean. Maybe the sound system, too. But he’s just motoring down the bike lane, maybe not even able to move a muscle, but he’s rocking it like a fucking bad-boy Stephen Hawking. My god. If his dick worked, I’d be fucking his brains out right now. Anybody who says they don’t have what it takes to rock needs to learn from this dude right here. I am in awe rock on! I should have filmed this. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™, well, I am kind of disappointed that so many people celebrate the fact that METAL IS NOT DEAD and that some people carry a love of metal into quite an old age. They celebrate that bands like Voivod are in their 50s and AUGURY are in their 40s and still kicking strong and stuff like this. Well, if you are anything else than an ANGRY TEENAGER, that means that you have brain problems. Even more worrisome about the latter case is that the singer is a teacher in high school and my cousin had him. It is not something to celebrate. [BLEEP!]
F Hi guys. I just wanted everybody to know I’ll be leaving my home tonight and I’m wearing CLOTHES, but will be bringing my vagina and breasts with me. I’ve been very careful to keep them well-covered, though, so hopefully that’s enough to keep me from being RAPED. I hope I don’t reveal too much because I’d hate for you guys to be powerless against your sexual urges. Really sorry for making you rape. Thanks everybody. [BLEEP!]
F I used to always love this time of year, when it finally THAWED and everything started coming to life, but for some reason I’m not feeling it. I live off Roy and it just seems like my neighbourhood is more and more full of loud, annoying SCENESTERS ruining my warm, nights and the chance to finally open my windows with their loud SHRIEKING. I know I’m not getting old, so it must be the people getting more annoying. Don’t know why. If you’re reading this, though, and you’re one of those people who always makes noise between eleven pm and four in the morning in the neighbourhoods around St. Laurent Boulevard, then maybe think about what you’re doing. It’s one thing to scream and yell right outside the clubs, but once you’re off the strip, shut up please. People are trying to live a nice life. [BLEEP!}
M Yes, this is to report that the last Rant Line™ left me very hungry for GRILLED CHEESE and pizza. I have since eaten both those items and I am very pleased, but maybe a bit oilier and bit fatter and bit closer to a heart attack than I was before reading the Rant Line™. Also, if you check grilled cheese recipes online, there are people recommending a full FIVE MOTHERFUCKING SLICES or processed cheese. That’s a lot of slices and also maybe too many. Two should do you good. Five… too many. In the math measuring rules, five cheese slices is commonly known as “thick as a dick,” and that’s too many for a good grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway. Thanks for the dinner suggestions, Rant Line™. Anything for tonight? [BLEEP!]
M Hi. Since we’re being honest, my own cock is quite small. Embarrassingly small. But I’ve got a tongue like a WEED WACKER, and it’s batteries never run low. [BLEEP!]
F I want to say that I spend a lot of time doing something that you might know as ASTRAL TRAVEL, but which in fact has a name that I cannot pronounce in my current form, with my current physiology, as it requires PURE LIGHT to pronounce. It is through astral travel that I have seen the future and would like to express to some people the dangers they are facing, which can be altered, but not without some danger to myself and to my EARTH FORM. If you could please contact me I will give you some information that is imperative to the world finding its true meaning and for humans to find their true purpose, which is something both beautiful and terrible at once. But it is too dangerous for me to make this information widely available. Thank you and stay peaceful in your hearts. [BLEEP!]
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