“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, how is it there are guys who get up and think, “Oh, wow! It’s 14 degrees outside. I think I’ll walk down the street in SHORTS with NO SHIRT on, wearing a big cowboy hat and smoking a joint at 10 in the morning!” Wow… wish you could see this. Welcome back, season of stupidity. Missed you dearly. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know what it is, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a spate of public MASTURBATORISTS in and around McGill Metro station. Not all like dick-in -hand, go-at-it guys, but some hand-down-the-panters, subtle tuggery shit, too. Down in the metro, upstairs in the station around Beggar Lane, between the Bay and the Eaton Centre. You’d think there would be someone who would come around and tell these guys to BEAT IT. Not like they’re doing, beat it, but like, get the fuck out of here beat it. If this keeps up, I’m maybe going to start clocking these pervs myself. Be like the batman warring against jackers. Anyway, maybe you want to do a story on that. [BLEEP!]

M Spring is sprung, the grass is rizz, I wonder where my HASHISH is! Because I had it when I left the dealer’s, and now I doesn’t have it! So if anyone finds a little, bitty lump or two of hashish near Duluth and Napoleon, it’d be a nice thing of you to knock on my door and say “Voila! Your hashish! And maybe then we can smoke a small celebration to our new friendship! Au revoir, mes amis! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, listen Mister Plateau Census Expert, first off, brush up on your history lessons, because the Plateau and Roy have not, as you croaked out from the cunt in your face, “Always been a street of DEBAUCHERY,” okay? For decades it was for all manner of Jews and whatever else sort of immigrant who needed a place to raise a family with no money and away from the people who didn’t want them living too close by. The whole fucking scenester takeover is only in the past, like, 15 years or so. Fifteen years isn’t ALWAYS, is it? And second, there are families who still live in the Plateau and who don’t want to hear your cuntmouth shitting drunk noise at them all fucking night, and who don’t want their kids seeing your drunk ass covered in your own puke and stinking of pot and loserness. Die of dumb, you fucking joke. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m the dude who said he’d buy that girl a new C.R.E.A.M headband. Well, I actually tried to find one on the Internet for you, and I have had no luck. I figured I’d find it and at least rant out the link for you. Anyway, I’ll keep looking and let everybody know. Peace and love and all that shit. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I want to say that I’m 100 per-cent behind the dude wanting to tell BELL to eat shit. I told them to eat shit two years ago when they priced their shitty service right out of my interest level for a simple talk and data plan, and then tried to hit me up for a $500 charge in overage fees. It was sweet telling Bell to eat shit, and I guess it’s going to be just as sweet telling ROGERS to eat shit too, which I’m also about ready to do. NO PHONE is the way to go. [BLEEP!]

M I am the Cigarette Warning Man and I come to you with another episode in our on-going look at the frightening and cancer-preventing images that are put on our packs of delicious cigarettes. Exhibit whatever: We see an eye being held open by a terrifying metal clamp thing, all Clockwork Orange style, and into that EYE goes a needle. EWWWW! And the words warn us that smoking can cause blindness and macular degeneration and that THERE IS NO TREATMENT. Well, if there’s no treatment, what they fuck are they doing to that guy’s eye? AHA!! I will continue to uncloak the truth for you, Rant Line™! Await my next communication. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™, I just want to say I was just reading some way old Rant Line™s from the Montreal Mirror and you know what? I love the Rant Line™! It really is a nice snapshot of whatever people were thinking about, and even though the band names change and the locales maybe change, the basic feelings are really universal going back about five years, which is the oldest one I have around. But there’s always something crazy or something POIGNANT or something to learn about, like a local band or whatever. And there are always some idiots, too. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for all the rants and the fun and I’m glad you’re still here! Bye! [BLEEP!]

M Hey what’s up with them TITTIE SHOTS, bro? You ever going to post some up here? Because I keep checking back for them, and I don’t see any titties. Let’s go. [BLEEP]

F Fuck, yeah… I totally forgot about his mouth! Thanks, sister! If I see this dude again I’m totally going to hit him for a FACE-RIDE. Shit. Good fucking point! [BLEEP!]

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