F Hey Rant Line™. This is a girl who is so ASHAMED of that girl who ranted about the guy in the WHEELCHAIR with the blaring SPEEDCORE system. What the heck does she mean, if his dick worked she’d be fucking his brains out? Honey, his MOUTH works! He can drive that wheelchair and play freaking speedcore rock on a blaring soundsystem! He could be fucking you with that mouth! What’s the matter with you, girlfriend? That dude is rocking, I’ll tell you that! And that mouth works all the buttons in the elevator, baby. Just to be clear, you are way too PHALLOCENTRIC. Differently abled people can be on top and ride you too, honey. It’s not just you fucking him. Why are you so power tripping on that dude? Rock the wheelchair sounds! And rock on Rant Line™. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is for Mr. Metal Should Be Dead. Dude, I am just curious, what kind of music do you listen to? Because metal is not just for angry teenagers. Actually, I’m, like, a YOUNG BOY, fairly civilized, and I think it’s just part of the culture. If you can’t appreciate it, just leave it to people who can appreciate and understand it. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. This is a first time caller, long time reader. This is to the guy who is crying about the SCENESTERS on Roy. Listen, Roy has always been a fucking street of DEBAUCHERY. He lives in the Plateau, and the Plateau is full of BARS. This is where all the tourists come to enjoy Montreal living. I don’t understand why this person would come and live in the Plateau—a populated bar area—and complain and screech to the Rant Line™. Fuck this kid! Fuck him to death! Ya. Good night. Edit this. Make it better. I don’t care. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F You know what’s awesome? It’s awesome that I can lie in my bed at two in the morning and hear whatever shit movie the asshole next door is watching in crystal clear, uber-bassy audio! I think the only thing better is when he’s calling his girlfriend a CUNT at the top of his lungs. Great stuff, guy! Thanks so much. [BLEEP!]

F This is the worst day. [Ed.’s note: This was followed by 46 seconds of silence] [BLEEP!]

F This is a response to the fucker who replied to my stolen C.R.E.A.M. headband rant, that he loves his new C.R.E.A.M. headband and he’s so happy about it and blah blah blah. I swear to god if I ever see you on the street, I’m going to punch you in the mouth and grab that headband off your head and then make a DODGE for it. But you probably won’t be wearing it, because it will be summertime soon and you will be one of those people getting piss drunk and puking and shitting all over the sidewalk and making the rest of the Plateau dwellers really unhappy. And to the other guy who said that he’d buy me a new one, that’s really sweet. But I can’t even believe I am putting this much effort to rant back about this—it’s just that I am still so mad about that stolen C.R.E.A.M. headband. But love the Rant Line™ for publishing this back and forth. Ok bye. [BLEEP!]

M This some seriously spooky shit. I am reading the Astral Travel Girl rant—apparently in her current physiology, it requires pure light to pronounce her name—and just as I was reading it, my motherfucking light burnt out! I would absolutely like the PERTINENT INFORMATION that Astral Travel Girl has to offer this earth, or at the very least me. I am impressed with her delivery so far. I am not going to leave an email address or anything, but I implore her to contact me with the rest of the message by flickering any of my lights. [BLEEP!]

F My MANTRA sends icewaves throughout the world and returns to me warmed. My spirit rides on an ELECTRIC EEL and I am invisible to all but the knowing, who call to me and ask for my prayers as I writhe by them in the untouchable, intangible form that is my gift. I can give them their happiness instantly, but there is much more to be done and I cannot stop from my path. I speak to them through an ectoplasmic larynx and in their hearts the signal comes in electrically. It’s not yet time. When it’s time, I will send the mantra, the eel and the voice to all hearts who have reached out to me to deliver them the joyous truth as it was sent to me. I won’t require a FLYING DISK, but might use one anyway. Watch for the day not just with your eyes focused, but also your hearts. I will pass this on only to you if you will reach me in the earthly ways. Peace be in your hearts and minds. [BLEEP!]

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