“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey, Drunk Anorexia Girl. I wasn’t trying to pass myself off as you. What I was trying to do is find what your drunk anorexia consists of, and offering my own drunk bulimia/cocaine GET FIT challenge. Still waiting to hear the details on your drunk anorexia, though, so let us know. Plenty of rotund pigs reading this, I’m sure. Anyway, sorry if you thought I was stepping on your BONY TOES. [BLEEP!]

F Is anyone really surprised the Ford family are fucking dealers? I mean, none of them are very bright. They’re like the staple fat MICK family—pink-faced and beefy with no brains. Drugs were the Ford family’s only shot, and so now they’re rewarding all their drug buddies from years ago with plum gigs in shitty old T-Dot. Rob Ford is a fat, tragic man who should be pitied. He was probably always made fun of, and always ridiculed and picked last in GYM, and now he’s using right-wing rhetoric to mask his pain, and his brother is the real piece of shit. Anyway, his HEART can’t likely handle much more living without crack, so if he keeps hitting the pipe, expect to find hear about him dropping dead any time now. He’s really a sad-sack, so cut him some slack. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M It’s funny, because I just read this story about the whole Ford family being big drug dealers in the 80s or early 90s, and the first thing that popped in my mind was that around that time, I knew a guy whose roomie used to take a train like once a month with a DUFFLE BAG full of POT to deliver. I don’t remember if he took it to Toronto or picked it up in Toronto to bring back. Pretty sure it was to, though. So, I mean, I’m sure there were a lot of guys selling dope in Toronto back then, but the first thing I thought of was that this guy must have been bringing the drugs to Doug Ford. The cops should look this guy up and find out what he knows. I can’t remember his name. He was a skinny little guy and I couldn’t fucking stand him. David something. Used to get his cats stoned. God, what a fool. So that’s my tip for the day. I’ll wait for some REWARD MONEY now. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M Buddy, why the fuck are you pulling anything over your BELT LINE to piss outside? Why don’t you UNDO your fly and piss that way, like pants are made for? I think if you’re yanking your prick and nuts out over your waistband, no cop on earth should assume you just needed to pee, and should fire a TAZER into your knob. I’m not much for public urination to begin with, but when I have no other choice, a degree of decency should be maintained, and nobody should ever see what your doing, let alone the whole FRANK-AND-BEANS. Just my opinion. [BLEEP!]

F Hi! I just ran home in the rain from the bank, pushing my baby on a stroller, and had to call to complain about the asshats who piled up on the WHEELCHAIR RAMP to get out of the rain. With their fucking bicycles, no less. Like, aren’t these people annoying enough when they’re just on the bike path? Nope. It makes me want to open my car door and send them sailing, and it isn’t just a bike lane thing. It’s their WAY OF LIFE. All me, all the time. I had to carry my stroller down the stairs so these assholes—who were wearing rain slickers anyway—could huddle on the ramp to keep dry, staring at the rain, probably thinking, “Nature’s got its nerve raining when I’m trying to ride my bike.” I hope they get their faces caught in their own SPOKES. Thank you. I feel much better. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m wondering about something. I see all these CRT monitors on the curb everywhere with a note that says WORKS or something like that—does anyone every actually take those clunky fuckers home? I mean, are people putting them out with a note because that way they don’t have to feel they’ve just dumped a block of poisonous, ever-lasting junk into a landfill. Or do people really come along and say, “Oh cool! I needed a new monitor, and now here’s a free one!” and then actually bring it home? I’m pretty sure it’s the former, and these people are lying to themselves. I, for one, have never seen anyone take a roadside CRT monitor, sign or no sign. [BLEEP!]

F Hi! This is for the COW who left her message directed at me for offering my opinion that the women of the Plateau and surrounding area are going too far down the SLUTHOLE for their own good, or the good of women everywhere. First off, honey, I’ll have you know I am not fat with B.O, and have a no problem meeting GENTLEMEN—which is probably one of the ways you and I differ. I meet gentlemen—with jobs and manners and RESPECT for me—whereas you likely get ploughed like the SLUSH at the end of winter by some guy who views you as a pair of tits and a couple of wet holes. Sorry if I stepped on your tits and got you all worked up, but, by the sounds of things, they were probably out anyway. Dressing the part of FUCKTOY isn’t having pride and confidence in one’s sexuality, honey. It’s a sad cry for attention from someone who believes she has nothing else to offer but her ass, tits and vagina. Maybe you should spend a bit less time at the make-up counter or crying into your Vogue magazine, and find qualities about yourself that are actually beautiful. Have a good day, honey! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey this is the REAL Drunk Anorexia Guy. I don’t know who that other dude was, because I was the one who called in. And I’m only saying guy because you just thought I was a dude—actually I’m a GIRL. Not the first time this has happened, Rant Line™. But ya, dude makes a good point. Coke does help. [BLEEP!]

M So big fat Rob Ford is a CRACKHEAD. Well doesn’t that just beat everything. How long until we hear our fucking MOBSTER mayors sold him the shit? Fucking politicians are filth on even the lowest level. [BLEEP!]

M Everyone is making a big deal about Rob Ford SMOKING CRACK. What a joke. Look, I have smoked crack on and off for years, and I can tell you that all kinds of famous and important people smoke it. I know because I have smoked it with them! Rock stars, activists, politicians—ok maybe not the mayor, but some well-known politicians—TV stars, radio hosts, teachers, daycare workers, bankers. You name it. And that’s just crack. If you want to talk about NORMAL COCAINE, it would be harder to come up with a list of people who do not snort it. Everyone does. Probably your mother and father do it. They might have been smoking crack—or at least high on blow—on the night when they CONCEIVED you. Stop being so naïve. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™…. so…. thirsty… no…. water. All of it… tainted feces… and semen… and birth-control pills…. [rasp, rasp]… and cigarette butts. Must… find…. water… Must… uhhhhhhh. Save us. [BLEEP!]

M Who’s the rhyming faggot with the missing hash? [BLEEP!]

M So this is somewhere between a rant and a question. I am seeking some insight into a NUANCE. What is the line between public urination and public indecency? By law, public urination, the act in and of itself, is ticketable. But what is the line—when do you get arrested? If I hoist my BALLS up over my BELT LINE, is that good form? I don’t think so. You don’t have to have that out there to take a leak! I would like to know, essentially, if anyone has ever been taking a leak and been arrested for public indecency. When did they cross the line? What was the situation that made the cops come up and instead of giving you a ticket for public urination, said, “Why is your dick in your hand, sir?” All right. [BLEEP!]

M Bro, you totally should’ve killed that guy. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say thank you to the guy who stopped to help me and my girlfriend carry her DRESSER up the stairs to our apartment. I swear, there must’ve been 30 guys who walked by and didn’t so much as take notice of two admittedly short, SKINNY GIRLS trying to lift a big, wooden dresser. But then one guy, who was like rushing by, stopped and asked if we needed help. And then he insisted on carrying the thing up himself! The best part is two guys stopped to ask him if he needed a hand, even though nobody stopped to ask us. Anyway, there’s hope for Montreal men yet! Bless you, HERO. We’ll remember you always! [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I’m seeing all these big ladies in the hood walking about in they SHORTY SHORTS and low, tight tanks to show off they titty meat and these ladies is FAT. I mean, like, cover up that shit fat. And they walking wearing the same revealing like the FIT, firm ladies. I think when a fat lady is shaking in the same ho gear as a skinny lady, you got to take a good look at the state of hos today. Use to be a big girl had some self-consciousness about it. Now these days isn’t any a lady look to give a shit. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I just wanted to say that, as a manager at major, international financial institution, I would be very interested in hiring a woman whose CV included the qualification, “Gives boys a PEEK OF PINK.” Or even if she just mentioned it in her cover letter. Thank you for your application. [BLEEP!]

F I’d like a little more information on this DRUNKEN ANOREXIA. Is there a clinic or website I could visit? I had limited success with drunken bulimia—which was drinking alcohol until I felt sick, then eating whatever I wanted, and then puking because of the alcohol. But it got to be a pain to keep up, not to mention expensive. And the guys I ended up in bed with refused to kiss me because of the puke. Maybe your way is the diet plan I was looking for! Thanks! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the Drunk Anorexia Weight Loss guy. What you’re looking for is COCAINE, which will curb your appetite and melt off the pounds. Also, you don’t slur your words and you don’t have to run off and pee every five minutes. I guess you might run off to the bathroom, anyway, though. Hmmm. I hadn’t thought this through. Maybe it’s the same diet. Shit. Oh well. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is for the dumb bitch who keeps calling in to try to SHAME those of us who aren’t disgusted by our own bodies. At least I’m assuming it’s one dumb bitch calling, because how many dumb bitches like her can there be, right? I know your type, sweetie. You’re probably a fat cow with SHORT HAIR you cut yourself who stinks of B.O. and hates every good-looking woman she sees and hasn’t had a man in years, if ever. Well you know what? That’s not anybody else’s problem. It’s yours. If you’re that miserable, drop the weight, get a makeover and get yourself a good fucking, because you need it. Sexuality is awesome and you have no right trying to make women feel ashamed or beneath you and your unwanted vagina. I mean it, honey. I’m sure you can even get some dick in your current state. Lots of Middle-Easterners and black guys are down for a fat white girl. Try to not drive them off with your crazy self-hatred. Best of luck. Hope it helps. [BLEEP!]

M Hope you’re ready, Rant Line™, because I’m in a fucking rage! I’m waking downtown and just went by a GAGGLE of CONSTRUCTION WORKERS sitting around eating their lunch next to a hole in the road and I hear one of them saying to this girl—a GIRL, like, maybe 12—“If you got a muff, you’re old enough.” Fucking 12! What the fuck is that? I’m usually only a SLIGHTLY VIOLENT man, but I tell you right now my first reaction was to grab the knife I carry and open his fucking throat. The only thing stopping me was the five other guys he was with and the two cops now staring at me while I leave this rant. I gotta talk lower…. but what the fuck is wrong with people? I mean, yeah, how intelligent can a guy be who digs holes for a living, but even assholes can be raised better than this, don’t you think? I swear, I may fucking hang around here and follow him home later and kill him then. This fucking world needs a CLEANSING FIRE so all the scum is reduced to ash. Pray for your fucking mercy. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, first of all, who said anything about PENIS SUCKING? I was just saying it might be nice to make a friend over an act of kindness, in this case being the return of my MISSING HASHISH, which was perdu—and now is not found. So, mon ami, mon petit, mon pretty, I don’t know what it is to be wooey, but I know what is joie de vivre, and you need a reprieve from being peeved. Perhaps you would like to share a bowl with me? You need not suce my pee-pee, it’s enough for me to see my fellow home—a chum—happy! Your allegation is unfounded. Like my drugs. Merci bien et à la prochaine! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I think if there were water in the Lafontaine Parc rock pit, and someone DROWNED—which is pretty likely—the city of Montreal would be sued to hell over it. So instead of taking out insurance against the chance some DRUNK or some kid will drown, they just don’t have water there. Just a theory, but I think I’m right. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hello empowered women! I see WHOLE-ASS-OUT shorts are de rigueur for the fashion-conscious gal this summer. Tight and short and let’s see those cheeks! Good choice, ladies! Equal pay cannot be far off with this new initiative. I applaud you, and don’t think for a second that anyone will look at you as a mere tool for sating their sexual desires. Remember—if you put a leg up while sitting on Montreal’s beautiful terraces you might be able to give the boys a PEEK OF PINK, too! Make sure you add that to your CVs! Bye! [BLEEP!]

M Hey WOMAN. Whoah, man. Put up some fucking PANTS. I’m sick of this goddam YOGA shit. None of you should be wearing it.  I don’t want to go see my mom and she’s wearing some fucking yoga clothes. Or any of her friends. Or anyone else I see on the street wearing this shit. I didn’t like it when I was going to school and seeing girls in STRETCHY fucking clothes that I can rip off with my TEETH and I don’t like seeing it now. Most of you should not even be allowed to buy it, so none of you should be allowed to wear it. Spandex is a goddam privilege not a fucking right. Stop it. Just stop it now. Please. [BLEEP!]

F Montreal. What is up with the PLATFORMS? Not ok. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™ I just wanted to share how embracing DRUNK ANOREXIA as a fitness strategy is really working for me. And this is probably a bad thing. [BLEEP!]

M What the fuck Rant Line™? I’m stuck here in the shitheap of TRAFFIC on Sherbrooke on this otherwise beautiful sunny day, going with the flow, here. Nothing I can do about it anyway, right? But this little SPANDEXED FUCK on a bike just came zipping down the middle of all us car-drivers, and tears by and CRACKS my fucking arm, which was barely outside my car window, with his bike. And then just keeps going. What a cunt, right? So I just screamed CUNT out my window at the top of my lungs. But then I thought people might think I was nuts, so I called you guys to make it look l’m not just a guy who screams cunt while sitting alone in a car. Anyway, I fucking hate cyclists in this city. Aren’t there enough bike lanes now to keep them the fuck out of the way? I expect to be KILLED by a Montreal cyclist one day. Mark my word. It’s going to happen. [BLEEP!]

M Somebody buy those two fruits a CHUNK OF HASH so they can finally just meet up and suck each others pee pees and get all giddy and wooey. Please don’t print any more rants about them. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I read your Tell Bell to Eat Shit rant and didn’t think much of it until this morning when I had to call Bell to change my phone package, and sat on HOLD for 30 minutes. Then some guy finally comes on to talk to me and says “Thank you or calling Bell—how may I make you SMILE today?” Are you kidding? Thirty minutes on hold and you start with that? I told him “Buddy, I ain’t smiling.” Then he tried to LIE to me about the lowest rates I could get on my phone, l and I had to SCREAM MY HEAD OFF to finally get the best price. How do they get away with this shit? “How can I make you smile today.” Nora! All this to say I now support the Tell Bell to Eat Shit movement without any hesitation! Rock on! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Can you put some some WATER in Lafontaine Park?  This is bullshit. Why am I DRINKING staring at rocks? I like drinking outside, I don’t want to drink starting at rocks. I want to drink staring at the beautiful water that Montreal provides us, water that I can’t even in swim in. Well, maybe I can, Rant Line™? Good luck. Please, save the day. [BLEEP!]

M Ok, the first thing I want to say is, I miss the Mirror. The second thing I want to say is, it’s 4.30 in the morning and I am DRUNK. The third thing I want to say is my balls are itchy. I miss the Mirror. Goodbye, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F I will totally CREAM my pants if that guy finds a C.R.E.A.M. headband on the Internet. And then I might eat a bunch of ice cream sandwiches while making homemade cream corn while SQUIRTING whipped cream on my cat. Ok, I’m running out of cream words. CREAM. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!

 “edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey fella. Awesome rant about that missing HASH. Funny thing is, I thought I’d FOUND a BAG of hash not too far from where you say you are. But when I picked up the baggie, it turned out just to be some little rubber thing, like from a piece of furniture or something, so I threw it back down. Wish I had found it, though. Then I could have returned it, and we could have become best friends. Sorry. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, my buddy just called and told you that I was stealing my neighbour’s Wi-Fi, and that he wanted everyone to know I was an Internet thief. Well, I’m just calling to say he’s a drunk piece of shit and I didn’t fucking steal anything—internet or fucking anything. Not ever. So if you decide to fucking print that I’m stealing WiFi from my neighbours, you can expect to hear from a fucking lawyer because I will SUE THE FUCK out of you for defaming me, and this piece of shit can fuck right out of my apartment for even calling you. I hope you know I’m fucking serious. [BLEEP!] [Ed’s note: No calls were made to the Rant Line™ regarding allegations of WiFi theft.]

F I like DOGS, but maybe there are too many of them around the mountain these days. If you are going to bring your dog everywhere you go, SHORT LEASHES are best. Or no leashes. Long leashes are bad for everybody because you’re basically cordoning off a 15-foot area in the middle of a PEDESTRIAN ZONE just so your little dog can sniff some poop or make some poop of its own. That’s not convenient, especially for people on bikes. Use your heads and let’s have a great summer! [BLEEP!]

M Regarding the BUS DRIVER BEATING—all I can say is it is wasn’t hard to see this coming. I don’t want to say it’s payback time, but now maybe all you bus drivers will be a little more patient when I am looking for change or asking for directions. Thank you and good night. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, ladies. I think I know which WHEELCHAIR GUY you’re talking about. And I’ll tell you right now, that guy ain’t licking no pussy worth a shit—he is much more likely to suffocate and die if you straddle him with your wet crotch. If you want it done right, look me up. I can even get a wheelchair from my brother-in-law, who used one for four months last year and never gave it back. Whatever floats your boats. I’m just in it for the pussy eating. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F The CHAKRA explodes, and each molecule is its own universe. The energy circles and seeks a home, exploring its avenues, discovering its possibilities, floating, floating, watching, watching. If you feel eyes on you, know it is the Eye of the Great Future, which sees all things. I am NOT the Eye, but can see through its pure lens, a borrower of the plan’s path for us all. Take my hand and I’ll take you there. It is not a place for the meek or weak-hearted. Sometimes even beauty can destroy you. Sometimes peace is horrifying. I fall to my knees and throw up my arms and the light burns paradise into my ORB. This is the message I wish to serve, the dinner I hope to prepare for the Rant Line™ chosen, baked in a divine oven of fulfillment and deliverance. The recipe contains no suffering, but there is a shake of pain. Please call me back. My time here is growing shorter. [BLEEP!]

 GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)!