“edited” by AL SOUTH
M I just wanted to say that, as a manager at major, international financial institution, I would be very interested in hiring a woman whose CV included the qualification, “Gives boys a PEEK OF PINK.” Or even if she just mentioned it in her cover letter. Thank you for your application. [BLEEP!]
F I’d like a little more information on this DRUNKEN ANOREXIA. Is there a clinic or website I could visit? I had limited success with drunken bulimia—which was drinking alcohol until I felt sick, then eating whatever I wanted, and then puking because of the alcohol. But it got to be a pain to keep up, not to mention expensive. And the guys I ended up in bed with refused to kiss me because of the puke. Maybe your way is the diet plan I was looking for! Thanks! [BLEEP!]
M Hey, this is to the Drunk Anorexia Weight Loss guy. What you’re looking for is COCAINE, which will curb your appetite and melt off the pounds. Also, you don’t slur your words and you don’t have to run off and pee every five minutes. I guess you might run off to the bathroom, anyway, though. Hmmm. I hadn’t thought this through. Maybe it’s the same diet. Shit. Oh well. [BLEEP!]
F Yeah, this is for the dumb bitch who keeps calling in to try to SHAME those of us who aren’t disgusted by our own bodies. At least I’m assuming it’s one dumb bitch calling, because how many dumb bitches like her can there be, right? I know your type, sweetie. You’re probably a fat cow with SHORT HAIR you cut yourself who stinks of B.O. and hates every good-looking woman she sees and hasn’t had a man in years, if ever. Well you know what? That’s not anybody else’s problem. It’s yours. If you’re that miserable, drop the weight, get a makeover and get yourself a good fucking, because you need it. Sexuality is awesome and you have no right trying to make women feel ashamed or beneath you and your unwanted vagina. I mean it, honey. I’m sure you can even get some dick in your current state. Lots of Middle-Easterners and black guys are down for a fat white girl. Try to not drive them off with your crazy self-hatred. Best of luck. Hope it helps. [BLEEP!]
M Hope you’re ready, Rant Line™, because I’m in a fucking rage! I’m waking downtown and just went by a GAGGLE of CONSTRUCTION WORKERS sitting around eating their lunch next to a hole in the road and I hear one of them saying to this girl—a GIRL, like, maybe 12—“If you got a muff, you’re old enough.” Fucking 12! What the fuck is that? I’m usually only a SLIGHTLY VIOLENT man, but I tell you right now my first reaction was to grab the knife I carry and open his fucking throat. The only thing stopping me was the five other guys he was with and the two cops now staring at me while I leave this rant. I gotta talk lower…. but what the fuck is wrong with people? I mean, yeah, how intelligent can a guy be who digs holes for a living, but even assholes can be raised better than this, don’t you think? I swear, I may fucking hang around here and follow him home later and kill him then. This fucking world needs a CLEANSING FIRE so all the scum is reduced to ash. Pray for your fucking mercy. [BLEEP!]
M Yes, first of all, who said anything about PENIS SUCKING? I was just saying it might be nice to make a friend over an act of kindness, in this case being the return of my MISSING HASHISH, which was perdu—and now is not found. So, mon ami, mon petit, mon pretty, I don’t know what it is to be wooey, but I know what is joie de vivre, and you need a reprieve from being peeved. Perhaps you would like to share a bowl with me? You need not suce my pee-pee, it’s enough for me to see my fellow home—a chum—happy! Your allegation is unfounded. Like my drugs. Merci bien et à la prochaine! [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I think if there were water in the Lafontaine Parc rock pit, and someone DROWNED—which is pretty likely—the city of Montreal would be sued to hell over it. So instead of taking out insurance against the chance some DRUNK or some kid will drown, they just don’t have water there. Just a theory, but I think I’m right. [BLEEP!]
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