“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Fuck, niggah. I was in THE BOX. For a whole fucking month. Stop playing games on Fuckbook, man. Call. Call ASAP. [BLEEP!]

M Calling to complain. Montreal is just tabernac as shit. Sucks. Rain rain everyday. The Mile End is just a cool yuppie zone for stupid fucks. Rich assholes. The stores here—can you believe the shit people are selling? But everyone is acting poor. Jesus. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™, this isn’t really a rant—or I guess it is, but it’s at myself, so, anyway. I got caught in that DELUGE today coming home from my sister’s BABY SHOWER, where I got to wear my new, white LINEN dress. So you can imagine what happened. Anyway, some guy yelled to me out his window asking if I wanted to borrow a raincoat and I already felt completely sick that I was basically walking down the street NAKED because of the rain, and my first answer was to tell him to get fucked. But now I think he was maybe actually being SINCERE and trying to do me a favour, so I feel like a grade-A bitch. I guess it’s pathetic that we’re at the point where, if someone seems to be doing something nice, we just assume they’re up to no good. Anyway, I’m not proud. K. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi! I also have the same birthday as Leonard Cohen! Did you want to hook up? [BLEEP!]

M What kind of sad piece of shit steals a guy’s LAPTOP? Not even a good laptop, but a four-year-old, bottom-rung thing worth probably no more than $50 on the resale market! I’m hoping it’s the same kind of piece of shit that checks the Rant Line™ every week, so that he’ll see this and know we think he’s a sad piece of shit indeed. If you stole a laptop, bring it the fuck back and clean up your life, because sad pieces of shit do not prevail. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Cornholio. If you’re so upset about what the Rant Line™ offers vis-a-vis the LOCAL MUSIC SCENE, why didn’t you talk about some of those big, successful bands of tomorrow in your own lame rant? Instead, you just boo-hoo that nobody else is doing it. I liked the way the Rant Line™ was when people talked about the music scene here, but you know what? Now there isn’t one. So what the fuck? If you want to live in the past, hook up with Metal Boy from a few months ago and the two of you can jerk each other off to old copies of the Mirror. For what it’s worth, guys, I happen to like that weird psychic shit. That person is trying to save your fucking GLOWBUG spirit or whatever. So there’s a whining pussy’s take on it. Eat a dick. [BLEEP!]

M Man, I told you what the Rant Line™ needed to keep the people happy. Where are the TITTIES? You keep denying the titties, people are going to keep talking trash at you. Titty it up, Rant Line™. Click here for titties! Go! [BLEEP!]

M I read with great interest this man’s complaint of the Rant Line™ not being good, and I wish to offer my input of a suggestion. I think what the Rant Line™ needs is to have some more RACISM and RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE. I see angry men and angry women and angry French and angry English and angry hash losers and angry hash finders, but nobody is a racist? This can’t be true! Maybe the Rant Line™ is being run by the anti-anti-Semites and Political Correctors? Where are the racists and the bigots?! [BLEEP!]

F Why are you riding your bike on the sidewalk, you asshat? Haven’t they built enough fucking bike paths for you yet? Sorry your chump ass is out $41, but I’ll bet there are a lot of people who had to side-step the asshat rising his bike on the sidewalk! [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello, this is a message for the NSA. Or I guess for the Canadian SA or whatever. About three years ago, I went on Chat Roulette and I had this GREAT ERECTION and jerked off with some cam ho who was just a filthy pig. She put a DILDO IN HER ASS. And I would really love a copy of that chat because I still think about it, but memory isn’t the same as seeing what she did with that huge dildo. So if you could track this call please and then email me a copy of it, I’d be very grateful and pay all the TAXES I can pay and not even take my EI next month from you. I don’t need the upstream of my cock, just her part. I see my cock all the time. Anyway, I’m sure the Canadian SA guys are all still beating it to her also, so it’s probably easy to find. Thank you for your fast reply. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 51-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Hey Rant Line™ I just want to say big ups to the CRACKHEAD who thinks smoking crack is ok because famous people do it. And also, ASS SHORTS rule. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hey what’s up. I just figured out what they were talking about in that line in Beautiful Losers when they are talking about the VIRGO CURSE. It means that the natural conclusion of being better than everyone, is that you get broken up with for being better than someone. I would know about this because me and Leonard Cohen have the same birthday. [BLEEP!]

F Has TEXTING become the new face to face? When did people actually stop meeting up and begin dealing with things only through emoticons and random commentary about the day? I am all for new technology and things moving forward, but Jesus Christ, if you have been texting me for three weeks, don’t you think we should meet up once in a while? What is the world coming to? [BLEEP!]

F Dear Metro lady and your two ridiculous girlfriends at Metro Guy. The reason I threw the newspaper on the floor in front of your LOTUS FEET is because you threw it in front of my feet! I do not appreciate having a newspaper being thrown at my feet. Not even the Post. Thrown at my feet like my presence doesn’t matter. I understand that you have the ASS of a PRINCESS and sitting on the newspaper that was on your seat is a major yuck factor for you, but you only displaced the problem. And I did not enjoy throwing it on the floor, because contrary to your belief, I didn’t do it because I hate the environment. No. I did it so you understand how it feels when someone throws something at you. And even then, you didn’t get it, when you and your cool friends gave me the stare. And yes, I did laugh when you picked it up on your way out of the train and put it back on the seat. You could have just kept it beside you the whole time! And I don’t feel bad for calling your friend a twit when she gave me the ANGRY KITTEN stare, looking more like childish mouse. Grow me a favour and grow some manners and keep your trash to your self. [BLEEP!]

M I was in the wrong. I was riding on the SIDEWALK on my BICYCLE. Cop gives me a ticket. As he’s typing it into his little fucking digital bicycle thing, I see cars bombing on Notre Dame. The speed limit is 40 and they’re all doing way beyond that. And as he’s writing the ticket I am trying to figure out why the fuck aren’t you SPEED-GUNNING them and giving them bigger tickets instead of my chump-ass a fucking $41 ticket!? What the fuck is that? [BLEEP!]

M The guy carting off the CRT monitor that you saw was probably a TERRORIST who will make a TERRORIST DEVICE from the parts in the CRT monitor. You should have called that one in. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, I just read a story about three douches beating up what the news said was a TRANSGENDER woman, and I don’t know what to think. Is a transgender woman a man who is making the crossover to woman or a woman making the cross to man? I’d think it’s a woman who wants to be a man. But if you think about that for a while and you’ll see it’s no easy thing to figure out without a picture. Maybe it should stand on its own. You know. Just transgender—one word meaning a mash up of the two. Then, if they have to specify, it can be like, transgender northbound, because they want to grow some boobs, or transgender southbound, because they want to sprout a dick. I just really don’t know. Anyway, I’m pretty bored right now so I wanted to talk to somebody about this. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M What the hell has happened to the Rant Line™? You used to have a lot more about the scene and what bands are a bunch of PUSSIES. I remember there were whole BAND WARS that fucking played out. It was awesome. Now it’s all a bunch of, I dunno, like, bullshit whiners and fucking loons talking some weird psychic shit. Bring back the old Rant Line™! [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 51-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F I fucking hate the F1! And everybody that comes in for it. [BLEEP!]

M Not even officially summertime and I’ve already gotten my first glimpse of PUBLIC FORNICATION while walking over Mount-Royal. Nice. [BLEEP!]

M If the NSA is monitoring everyone’s communications—and I do believe that they really are—then that means the U.S. Government knows already about all the shit everyone has done. Like if they made a DRUG DEAL or bought some black-market guns, or traded CHILD PORNOGRAPHY on their computers. So if they know all this and not every single motherfucker doing all these things gets a raid done on them, then isn’t it a good argument that the U.S. Government is complicit in all those crimes? So either the U.S government has to also go to jail, or no one has to. Think about that one. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what is this shit about Rob Ford saying his fucking CABLE WAS OUT, and so he had no idea the cops just happened to have raided the building where he smoked up his crack? They hauled off all kinds of cellphones and computers, but just two people and no DRUGS or WEAPONS so far, which is what they said they were looking for. I guess all the drugs and weapons are hidden on SD cards, right? This is really an obvious Rob Ford-orchestrated hunt to destroy evidence on his drug use. First he tried to murder those two black dudes that were in the picture with him, and now he’s trying to clean up all the proof. Everyone knows Toronto police are owned by the Fords. So obvious. Toronto is so full of shit. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I called you about half-an-hour ago about the Toronto police Rob Ford thing and I think I may have said they only took cellphones and not any drugs or guns, but I just saw that they took a lot of drugs and guns also, so maybe forget that part of my first call. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is a big shout-out to the guy that just drove me in his Trans Am, a fucking RUST BUCKET from the 70s, with his JELLY ROLL ARM hanging out the window, with one of those gross tattoos, yelling at his girlfriend or wife or whatever in the car. Muffler from another planet and the Quebec flag hanging off the back of the car. You sir, make your province proud. You’re a true patriot. Thank you for leaving the B.O. from your armpit 12 feet past in your dust. [BLEEP!]

M Hey there seems to be a misprint in the Best of Montreal. Pauline Marois is voted fourth Most Desirable Woman in Montreal? Are you fucking kidding me? I’d rather stab a burning needle in my URETHRA every single night for the rest of my life than spent one single night with that disgusting woman. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, yeah, hi. Listen, I’m the guy who called about those CRT monitors that people leave on the street with the notes about that they work, and I just want to say that exactly two seconds ago, I passed a guy walking down the street in the ghetto CARRYING A FUCKING CRT MONITOR. I obviously don’t know if he took it off the street or anything or is just moving it and it was already his, but I want to believe he found it and took it. So how about that? Just when you think you have it all figured out, BOOM. CRT monitors on the move. Any other evidence supporting this would be appreciated. What’s next?! [BLEEP!]

M Just saying no one knows the biggest MAP of the world in the world is in Montreal. Just wanted you to know. Not many people know that. I’m not saying where it is, but it’s the biggest map of the world in the world, in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M Yes hi, this is Eddie. I’m a grumpy old man because I have to throw out stuff that I want to keep and it’s not my fault. I mad with Pauline Marois and the other liars, criminals, gay homosexual men and terrorists because they do it by choice. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F If you are truly trying to find your freedom, you have to teach your spirit to move without GRUDGE. You must give up past transgressions. To hold your anger inside or let it bend you into a MONSTROUS FORM will only weigh your spirit and chain you to the now. I plant my anger in fertile COSMIC SOIL and watch it grow, a row of delicious fruit trees, forgiving and ripe with kind energy, which I feed on and which nourishes me for the long road I have still ahead. Let your anger drop from you, let it be the rotted fruit that feeds the worms who absorb it and transform it into something rich with electric good. I ride the back of the HATE WORM along a glowing path toward the sun. My thymus gland is a five-star resort of fulfillment. This is the change we all have to make, but the gatekeeper toward its success is a vile and plodding evil forcing its priapic temptation inside you. Don’t eat its slow death. Please contact me. We need to grow a garden of goodness together. Thank you so much. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (9163)!