“edited” by AL SOUTH

ON THE STREETS IN CultMTL!

M Greetings Rant Line™. I am as big a fan of Arcade Fire as anybody. I’m proud of what they have achieved in their short existence. It’s CIVIC PRIDE—I’m from here, they started out from here. And I want to see them get airplay, of course. But CHOM FM is called Montreal’s home of rock ‘n’ roll. The new Arcade Fire track “Reflektor,” that’s not rock ‘n’ roll by any shot! That’s PURE DISCO. I actually enjoy the tune, but CHOM playing it? Hypocrisy! Come on CHOM, I expect more. Put some more Bon Scott, eh. Some Led Zepplin, some Floyd, some Rush. Put some Arcade Fire even. But don’t put the new song and call it Montreal’s home of rock. Pure disco. It’s in the same league as U2 doing “Discotheque.” Same thing, different band. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Is it just me or does it really look like these election posters for Project Montreal basically all show someone who either looks like they work in a truck-stop diner or are some sort of CARNIVAL HYPNOTIST? Take a closer look when you see one and tell me what you think. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I just was calling to remind everyone to get their vote out. The municipal elections—these are the big ones. Don’t ignore your CIVIC DUTY. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, remember that dude a year or so ago that crushed by that fucking WALL falling off a building on Bleury? What the fuck ever happened to that guy? I hope he got himself a HUNGRY LAWYER to rip some coin off the SLUMLORD PRICKS who let their building’s walls rot off. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m calling from the Banana Republic of Montreal traffic coordination, the largest legally sanctioned band of PIRATES ever puked up out of the cornucopia of the bizarre. I was exposed to this experience last week when my sister came to visit me from New York. We went to find a nice restaurant on Duluth street and we parked beside this AMBIGUOUS PARKING SIGN that was rusted beyond the point of legibility. In French, of course, which is great, but at the same time we could hardly make out what the rules were regarding our parking spot. To be on the safe side, my sister took a picture of the sign. Lo and behold, we come back 45 minutes later and there’s a $60 ticket for having parked six inches in front of the post. For me this is an aggravation, and this is why I don’t drive anymore. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F There’s this article on this site called Tribe and it’s about Montreal being a city of CON ARTISTS. And after reading it, I think it’s kind of true. I’m new, I’m not from here, I’m from California. And I did go on a date with a guy here in Montreal who asked me for MONEY. It’s like, Montreal is a city for women, except for the lack-of-jobs issue. People here in Montreal have to con there way through every day to make a buck! Especially when they can’t find the free stuff. After reading that article, I’m actually considering, do I want to be here in Montreal? Do I want to stay? Maybe I should move back to California? Or even the East Coast? I don’t know. I guess anywhere you go in the world there is going to be some issue? [BLEEP!]

M Who in his right mind is paying money to stick a dick in those scagged-out WRETCHES in the East-End? I’d be fucking terrified to catch something from just handing the person money with my bare hand. But there are guys pulling up and saying, “Yes, you’re attractive enough for me to want to put my most PRIZED BODY PART in. Let me pay you for that.” Is it merely a matter of cost? Or is it because there are things that are broken in their minds and body? I’m sure they would love to have someone who would want to fuck them for free, just so they feel like a real person again. It’s depressing to me. So sad, really. [BLEEP!]

M I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE. [BLEEP!]

M This probably won’t get published but I gotta relate to somebody here about what I see today. People PLUGGING their ears and talking to themselves on fancy machines, then going home and crying themselves to sleep. I mean, everyone I know is living alone. Alone, alone. And pretending like they don’t need anyone. I’m thinking of building a whole new city, a whole new community. Like a KIBBUTZ, perhaps. Where all these people who are crying themselves to sleep, myself included, can do something intra-communal rather than—holy fuck—alienation. I don’t know. Maybe I should go back to school and end up owing $50000? Who knows what the solution is. I don’t care if this is published. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Ok now, so I was at Snowdon metro station the other day. Just sort of chilling, I’d been to some Indian restaurant. So I’m walking and I see my boyfriend and we start chilling at the metro, it’s around 9:30 at night. And we see these TWO FRENCH GUYS and they come up to us and they’re like, “Hey you want to buy some drugs?” And we’re like, “Yea for sure we’ll buy some drugs!” And we’re making our little DEALIE thing and then these BLACK GUYS come beside us, and they’re just staring at us. For like five minutes they’re just staring at us. And we’re like, what the fuck’s going on? They come up to us and like, “Hey, do you have drugs?” and we’re like, “Yea for sure” and, you know, they seemed pretty SKETCH, man. And so while we were trying to make a deal with these kids, well, yeah they tried to rob us. So this is what Montreal is turning out to be like? But it’s cool. And anyway if you need drugs, Snowdon metro seems to be the HOOKUP. All right I’ll call back another time. Take it easy. Peace. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)

“edited” by AL SOUTH

F My God. I just walked down St Laurent and it’s like a giant, radioactive monster ate three FRIPPERIES and a bag of HAIR CLIPPINGS and shit hipsters all over the place. Just stop. Please. You’re embarrassing yourselves. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know why Arcade Fire was so worried about having people who look good in their video. Every time I meet an Arcade Fire fan they’re overweight, or UNDERCLEAN. Open the doors to the people. If people aren’t beautiful enough to be shown enjoying your music, maybe your snobby shit isn’t beautiful enough to be music. Beautiful music doesn’t need MODELS to make it sound good. [BLEEP!]

M You know something? Fucking Toronto stole our Film Fest, and they stole our economy, and they didn’t steal our baseball team, but they at least still have one. And I think their hockey team is better than ours, or at least are shitty on a higher level, but fuck them. And you know why? Because they can’t fucking touch our music scene! When it’s music, we’re right there doing it right, you know. Pop Montreal or whatever. Makes me proud and makes me hate Toronto even harder. Am I right? I send my hate on a boat down the 401, bitch! [BLEEP!]

F [partially translated from the French by the Rant Line Translation Unit™]. Bonsoir, I went to Pop Montréal au Club Lambi pour voir un SUPER BON SHOW de Odonis Odonis notamment. And they charged me $6 a beer! J’étais un p’tit peu desolée. I talked to the proprietaire and asked for an explanation. He said it was le prix du marché. But then when I went au toillete they didn’t have PAPIER or SAVON DU MAIN. I would just like to say that Club Lambi should not be on the circuit de Pop Montréal! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so like every time I step out of my door there is a half-smoked joint and a PUFF of smoke of weed there. I’m ALLERGIC to that shit. I know you don’t care about that shit because you all smoke weed everywhere you go but… fuck. [BLEEP!]

M I got a rant for all the hardcore GYM DINKS. I’m not talking about people who just go to the gym—I go to the gym. And I’m not talking bout the jocks, either. I mean you can be a jock and never go to the gym—I’ve seen some pretty fat out-of-shape jocks in my life. I’m talking about the dorky dudes who try to get buff because they think MEAN + BUFF = A VAGINA. They can’t get laid and they think this is what girls want—a big hulking guy. But you know, you can’t work out UGLY, and you definitely can’t work out CHARMLESS. You can be ugly and have charm, you can be fat and get laid all the time. But you can’t be a charmless loser and get anywhere. The other thing about these people is they all have the same attitude. “You want to fuck with me??” Actually, anybody could fuck with you! Just because you have MUSCLES doesn’t mean you know how to use them. All you did was build them! Anybody could still take a dink like you down, probably with a CLOTHESLINE. I am just saying—stop juicing, stop pumping, start smiling. Say hi to somebody once in a while instead of working yourself into a big BALLOON MAN who nobody is going to be afraid of anyway, much less want to fuck. I don’t own a vagina, but I’ve been around enough of them to know this is good advice. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, does anyone know what the actual LAW is on putting SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS in your apartment building hallways? I mean, pointed right on your doors? Because some just went up in mine, and I’m pretty creeped about the slimy weirdo security guy sitting there with his hand in his PANTS waiting to stare down my TOP as I go in and out of my apartment. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. I don’t know if you can even answer this. Or even if you answer things, or just put in the questions. But do you know if that Unicorn Lady is okay? She used to call and talk about glittering things and psychic stuff—I can’t recall exactly what right now—but I haven’t seen her calling lately and she sometimes sounded a little maybe CLOSE TO THE EDGE. I know it’s weird to worry about her, but I guess I just am wondering. Anyway, if you know, I’d like to hear. [BLEEP!]

M Howdy folks. I am an octogenarian, a man of 82 years old, and I am getting off reading the Rant Line™. I wanted to reiterate one single observation. Over the 60 years that I have been hanging out like an OLD HIPPIE, almost dead, I cannot help but recall one of the one night stands I had oh so many years ago, when I was nothing but a YOUNG PUPPY. This one night stand occurred when I was living next door to a FAT MAN who was crying because he was listening to me banging my chick. And he wept so hard and for so long that I felt I should go hang myself out of guilt because I couldn’t help him get laid. So I went across the street and started tying the rope. Comes along a little young hussy and she asks me what I am doing killing myself. I said I feel guilty about that fat man weeping because he ain’t getting laid. She said, get off your TREE, take that NOOSE off your neck and let’s go fuck! So we went to a construction site where the rocks were very sharp. It lasted quite a while and it was very, very, very entertaining. So I keep seeing all these reoccurrences going on here—must be like the migratory birds from some prehistoric time. So thank you Montreal for your kindness in this regard. Take care. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)