“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Yo Arcade Fire. Your first album dropped in 2004. I mentioned your name recently, to a local bartender. He’s been working in bars all his life and he still hasn’t heard of you. So nine years later and regular JOE BLOW on the street still hasn’t heard of Arcade Fire—I think you’re doing something wrong! Nine years in Montreal, you should be a household name. And that track “Reflektor”— it’s crap! It’s got Haitian guitar, it’s got FRENCH in it—the chick is singing in French!—and the song is disco. Come on. I expect more from you guys than this. This is bollocks, total bollocks. Disco sucks, don’t forget that. [BLEEP!]
M Went to the Wu Tang Clan show last night. Organizers, note this. Coat check in winter—fuck you! Security walkthrough—fuck you! Once again, not the whole Clan was there. Missing RZA, Method, Masta Killa. Respect to the guys who made it. GZA seemed pretty fucking DRUNK. It was good to see Inspectah Deck, that was nice, that he finally made it up. But once again organizers, look on YouTube, check out the Ottawa Blues Festival and the Quebec Festival, Plains of Abraham. Motherfuckers were all there, it’s all outside and there wasn’t no fucking airport security check, that was the stupidest shit. Any which old ways, Wu Tang Clan still ain’t nothing to fuck with. [BLEEP!]
M Hi. I’m that guy busking in front at Jean Talon market with his CAT. And I noticed URBAN OUTFITTER put me on INSTACRAP. Apparently it made a buzz. I’m glad for you, Chinese exploiter’s fashion joke, for the publicity, but when am I getting PAID? [BLEEP!]
F Does anybody at all know anybody who got a job through LinkedIn? If so, please let us all know, because I have zero hope right now. [BLEEP!]
M Buenos dias. I just wanted to let you know about something I’ve noticed recently. How come downtown, in the magazine shops, all along Ste-Catherine street, the guys who work there have the best taste in music ever? Every time I’m in a magazine shop browsing around, usually looking at SOCCER or music magazines, they’re playing the best music I’ve heard in my life, or things I have never even heard before. For example, last night I was in the magazine shop on Stanley and Ste-Catherine, the guy was playing “Train Kept a Rollin’” by this band from Spain, or Mexico. It was in Spanish, the guy was singing in Spanish. It was incredible. The drums were so, ummm, ABRASIVE and dirty. What a great sound, man. Then they played “Love Me Two Times,” in Spanish. Unfrigging believable, I loved it. These guys, these CLERKS, have the best taste. Cheers guys! [BLEEP!]
F Help me, my boyfriend is SNUGGLING me too hard! [BLEEP!]
M Yes, I went shopping today to make a SANDWICH and I paid $20 for a loaf of bread, mustard, mayonnaise, a head of lettuce, some cheese and some ham. I was so overwhelmed by the EXORBITANT COST that I needed to go get a DRINK just to get over the shock. And what do you know, it’s a KING’S RANSOM just to have something that makes you feel good after all this. I just wonder when all these monopolies will be dismantled and we’ll have free enterprise where we can get cheap booze, to keep us warm through the winter. Let’s not forget that the Russians invented vodka for a very good reason. So anyway, this is my lament. How the robber barons are thieving us dry. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]
F Where can I get a Christmas tree big enough to HANG myself on? [BLEEP!]
M This is to the dude asking about the dude who got dropped on by a BRICK WALL. He worked at the dep on Prince-Arthur and Jeanne-Mance. Good guy, but maybe a bit touched. Jimmy. Anyway, the people who own the place say he’s back home and still recovering, but they aren’t really ones for speaking any language I know, so communicating with them isn’t all that easy to do. If anyone speaks a bit of Asian and wants to swing by there for more info and pass it on over here, that’d be great. It’s a good question, though. Why don’t the news people follow up on what happens next. Like, AFTER the bricks get cleared off a guy. Guess they assume nobody gives much of a crap. But we do. [BLEEP!]
M Yessir, I wanted to talk to you a minute about Craigslist. Why is there nothing on it anymore? Everything is on Kijiji and Craigslist ain’t got nothing. I like Craigslist better, though, because it’s straight up. Kijiji looks like a drink with an UMBRELLA in it, you know? All decorated, but it’s sort of gay shit. Craigslist is, like—whomp—here’s what I got. Used to be you could get a hooker there, too. World always changes for the worse. [BLEEP!]
F I don’t get it. Are the French drug dealers the good guys in that story? And how many black guys were there trying to rob the four of you? Did they want your drugs? And why would I go buy drugs there if it isn’t safe? Also, you’re saying you happened to be walking by and then happened to see your boyfriend? Where was he going? Something doesn’t add up. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, I can leave a fucking DIGITAL RANT? Fuck that, all this digital shit! I’m having a bitch of a time with this stupid fucking computer update. How do all these fucking people know how to update all this shit? I should have paid more attention in computer class or fucking met up and got married to some fucking beautiful hot computer geek girl. Fuck, instead I got to whip my ass to get all this shit into shape. All these stupid fucking updates and installs and accesses and then these fucking apps! Man, fuck this shit is tiring!! I fucking hope it all gets blown to hell and everyone gets fucked up because of it. Fuck this shit. Fuck. [BLEEP!]
M So long, booty shorts. Hello, shitty fucking winter. [BLEEP!]
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