“edited” by AL SOUTH
M I can’t take this anymore. Every time I turn on the TV I see this little asshole Justin Bieber. He’s throwing EGGS at his neighbours. He’s pissing in restaurant BUCKETS. He’s racing, he’s speeding, he’s getting caught doing all kinds of crap. Can’t this guy just OD on something? Heroin? Can’t he do something that kills him! Hopefully he’ll join the 27 List, all the famous people who died at age 27. But that means I gotta wait seven more years! And United States, please do not deport him back to Canada. I don’t want to see him here! Keep him! We don’t want him! He’s ugly, his music stinks, he’s crappy. I am going to go crazy if I see him again. Save me. Save me from Justin Bieber. Please! [BLEEP!]
M This Justin Bieber dick, is he for real? Or is this another Miley Cyrus thing, where he wants to get rid of his clean-cut, teeny-bopper image and be all serious gangsta? I think there’s some sort of image consultant in LA who tells these young Disney stars, like, “You can’t make money off the goody-two-shoes child star thing any more. Time to make sure people know that you get DRUNK and HIGH and like to FUCK all the time so that the 20-somethings will dig you.” It would not surprise me if such a PR management firm offered such advice, and then these assholes bought into it. Whatever. Someone should set these idiots on FIRE. [BLEEP!]
F One of the best things we have in this town is called UROCKAOKE, where you get to sing karaoke with a live band. So that happened tonight and it is amazing! The musicians are so talented, they make you feel like a ROCK STAR. But you have to remember that there is karaoke ETIQUETTE. If you go to Urockaoke and are allowed to feel like a rock star, you don’t sit on the front of the stage the whole night acting like you are part of somebody else’s show! You let that person have their own GLORY. That is part of the courtesy. You don’t fucking stay onstage after your song and say I am going to sing the next song and then shamelessly, because you sucked, get sort of SHY and then leave, because you realize it is the next person’s song! There are a few things that karaoke people need to realize! But all I know is that Urockaoke is the shit. [BLEEP!]
M Hahaha! Bell is in trouble again for SPYING on its clients by TRACKING EVERYTHING they do on-line, what they watch on TV and even where they go and who they phone. I hope they get fined out of existence. [BLEEP!]
M Hello. I swear I saw Homer Simpson driving a bus today. A Montreal public bus. Homer Simpson. Oh my god. What is happening? [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, is there some sort of WINTER FROSH happening? Used to be I’d see the drunk failures of tomorrow only puking in the streets and flashing their titties in the late summer, but now I’m seeing them in the dead of winter, too. I prefer the summer froshers, but that’s only because I’m a window-sitting chronic masturbator, and loose, sweaty titties work better for me that PARKA-BUNDELED, frozen solid ones. But when did this Winter Frosh thing become a thing, and maybe it can be stopped? Without the teen-flesh on parade, it’s really just a gathering of IMBECILES. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, hi. I was just in Toronto, and I’m sorry, but what the fuck is it with Montreal? We’re so much better then they are, and they have the very fat crack-smoking mayor running their town, and yet somehow we’re the ones with COLLAPSING BRIDGES and CRUMBLING STREETS? Like, seriously, is it because Quebec just wants the Anglos to leave, so they’re letting the island of Montreal fall apart so we all either get killed or run away? Because there is no way Toronto should come off as having it more together than we do, but, I’m sorry, that’s exactly what it seems like. [BLEEP!]
M It’s maybe time to take off the EXPOS SHIT—the Expos caps and stupid Expos jackets—and move the fuck on with your lives. There is absolutely ZERO cool or hip about wearing Expos clothes and hats. It’s just sad. And I do not mean sad as in depressing because the Expos are gone. I mean sad as in you’re really just pathetic. I think the MLB has made more money off of Expos shit since the team got run out of town than they ever did while it was here. And you know what’s even more ironic is that the MLB is in part responsible for them leaving. So every time you buy something with an Expos logo on it, you’re not only saying, “I’m a complete loser,” you’re also saying “Thanks for the ass-fucking, master. Please punish my ass some more.” How’s that for hitting one out of the park? [BLEEP!]
F You know what I miss? It’s going to sound stupid, but I miss DVD RENTALS. I know, I know, you can download everything in about five minutes and you can BUY DVDs for about five bucks now, but I miss the ceremony. Going to the place, walking around, talking about what might be good, maybe buying some popcorn of chocolate, or TWIZZLERS, checking out the used discs for sale. All that. It’s like everything just shoves us all further and further apart, so we sit alone in our houses, never seeing the people or things going on around us. That’s the problem with NetFlix and whatever. It’s a lonely way to get your movies. Just wanted to share all that with you. You’re welcome for it. [BLEEP!]
F I wish I could give the world, especially the western world, the gift of surgically removing their deeply embedded ignorance. Materialism, Wall Street scandals, environmental destruction, wipespread nepotism, bigotry and misogyny. Sorry to be a buzzkill. Just kidding. The only thing I am sorry for is indirectly contributing to the irreparable state of affairs. I suppose no one can proactively work to heal the state of the world until the POLAR ICE CAPS melt, as scientifically predicted, and we are living out the day after tomorrow. It is certainly time to celebrate one of the last years we might ever experience. This is the real countdown. This is our scared fear of change. This is and always has been our reality. Get educated. Love, Elizabeth. [BLEEP!]
M I also miss the Unicorn Lady. [BLEEP!]
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