“edited” by AL SOUTH
M If I want to wear an Expos cap or an Expos jacket I am bloody well going to! I don’t give a fuck if you think there is ZERO COOL or HIP about wearing Expos clothes. Your little monkey ass probably wasn’t alive when there was still a baseball team! So listen you little hip cool kid—you think you are a baseball expert? If I want to wear the shit I am going to wear the shit! And you are the complete loser and I think you have a little problem with your desire for an ass-fucking! You fucking hit it out of the park? You didn’t even hit the ball, you little punk. Fucking yuppie. [BLEEP!]
M I think if you’re singing KARAOKE, live band or no, your glory isn’t being undermined by a guy sitting on the stage while you sing. It’s being undermined by your lame gayness. Just my two cents. [BLEEP!]
F This is to say that the Montreal police are racist and assholes. So last night after seeing a show I am sitting in my friend’s car after in front of my apartment, and he happens to be MALE and BLACK. And we are talking in the car before saying good night. We’re not smoking any DOPE or anything, we’re just chilling in the car. And these cops pull up and roll down their window and flash a huge fucking FLASHLIGHT right in his face and ask him how he’s doing, and he says he’s fine, and then they drive off. Five minutes later another cop car pulls up, they tell him to get out of the car, saying there has been a robbery in the neighbourhood. They start asking him questions about the robbery, trying to make it look like they are not racially profiling. The problem is my friend, and my other black male friends of mine, tell me that this type of shit happens to them all the time. They get pulled over and stopped for bullshit and asked for ID and the cops make up lies to SPY on them. It’s like some kind of apartheid bullshit or something. I am WHITE and FEMALE so I don’t know what it’s like for you guys, but I can’t believe what you have to put up with. Racist Montreal police, leave black people alone. [BLEEP!]
F Going to rent a movie was a nightmare. It’d take so long to finally decide on a movie that you never felt like watching it by the time you got home. Then you’d keep the movie for like two weeks and then have to pay, like, a whole DVD’s worth of money in late fees when you finally went back to return it and rent another movie. If you say you miss going to rent movies, you don’t miss that. What you’re missing is the lie you tell yourself. About how awesome it was. [BLEEP!]
M This is for the DVD rental lamenter. I understand where you are coming from. But if going to the video store once a week for five minutes was your feeling-like-part-of-your-community moment, I strongly suggest this thing to you called CHURCH. Whatever your denomination, services are offered pretty much daily, and people go. Even if you don’t believe in god, you can see some friendly people and feel like you belong to something. As for the video store, other than the shifty routine of avoiding eye contact in the PORNO SECTION, I never really felt I was part of anything. [BLEEP!]
M I really like Jesus. [BLEEP!]
M What’s up? I was walking in the cold today with my head down and my face all squinted and grimacing and my eyes watering, and I looked up at some point, and what the fuck do you think I see? CHEAP THRILLS. Cheap. Motherfucking, Thrills. The used records and books store. Is that place still goddam open? I haven’t been there in so long I forgot it even existed, until I seen it there looking like when I last went. It does my heart good if that place is still open. [BLEEP!]
F There’s something pointless going on in that area around Place-des-Arts again, and it’s gotten so that even the people working at these things realize it’s too much now. Seriously, Montreal, when you’re pulling FESTIVALS out of your ass just to have a reason to put up UGLY LIGHTS and sell BAD BEER, it’s time to rethink your identity. Thanks for hearing me out. [BLEEP!]
M Yes, this is to my soul-mate, the sexy/crazy darling who wishes she can surgically remove people’s ignorance and greed. My beautiful sexy, there is good news and that is that you can! All you need is a SCALPEL or other fine, sharp tool, and you can surgically remove so many things from these pigs. We need people like you. Stalk me on the cobble-stoned streets of London and CASTRATE my loving corpse. [BLEEP!]
F There’s seriously a GIANT in the apartment across the alley from me and he’s always walking around with his hairy ass and dick out, and it makes me throw up to the point I won’t even open the curtains on that side of my apartment anymore. Why are guys so VULGAR? [BLEEP!]
M Yes Rant Line™, hello. I would like to know your Pinterest page please so I can pin up some pictorial Montreal hates of mine for your publication of them. [BLEEP!]
F The energy has no strings to tie it. You face the energy and it runs wild with your thoughts. It speeds to the end of the universe, a GREEN FIELD OF GAS where there are things you could never imagine awaiting your presence with a TALL DRINK and the answers to why you had to die. But the answer is always that you didn’t, and you’re sent back but quickly forget. Stay with me for these voyages. Stay with me for these journeys. We have not given ourselves—over and over and in every way—only to be turned back with nothing. Even emptiness needs a vessel to contain it. And that vessel is beautiful. Come. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)