“edited” by AL SOUTH
M People are still arguing about the Expos in this city? When I moved here, they warned me Montrealers were kings of holding a GRUDGE, but seriously. Baseball? Like, does anyone under 50 who isn’t an American or a JAPANESE SCHOOL BOY even give a shit about baseball anymore? Please don’t answer. I do not want to know. [BLEEP!]
M Hey guys, I’m the one who pointed out that hypocrisy—or maybe just utter stupidity—of people who wear Expos shirts and hats and stuff. Anyway, thanks to Angry Asshole Number One for calling in to rebut my arguments by making no sense whatsoever, and instead just saying that I must be longing for ANAL SEX. Yes. Good job being a complete homophobe, sports fan. Likely you are not one of the young guys who wears Expos gear, but one of the late-middle-aged sad-sacks who dream of the days when you could still get an ERECTION and you weren’t a just pot-bellied slob with no baseball team to make your pointless life feel worthwhile. Anyway, if you don’t understand how paying the MLB for a shirt representing a club that the MLB destroyed is a bit stupid, then it’s because you’re a lot stupid. [BLEEP!]
M I’ve got a rant to leave. I find it unfair that some of these LAPTOP KARAOKE DJs can go around to 20 different bars in one night and sell their show for so cheap. It screws it for the rest of us. Like this Schwing guy. It is not fair to the rest of the people out there who actually paid for their karaoke songs, while these guys download stuff. Not cool. [BLEEP!]
F About karaoke. I don’t get it. Why would I want to hear other people sing, when most of them sing BAD? And the food is crap, and the booze that you have to buy—to sit there and listen to THEM? At least now I know why we have to pay exorbitant prices to listen to professional singers. [BLEEP!]
F How do I seriously just hear for the first time and then immediately fall in love with Death Vessel like, literally, in the middle of their Montreal show? Fuck my life. [BLEEP!]
F Hey this is to give a shoutout to crew from Sauvons le Plateau. They’re trying to shut down Les Bobards for noise complaints. Shutting down all the music of a place that has been a Montreal institution for musicians for 20 plus years. I am tired of all this gentrification bullshit. We’re not going to BULLDOZE down St-Laurent Boulevard to build condos. Thank you. Bye bye. [BLEEP!]
M Greetings Rant Line™. On the eve of this next ELECTION, I just had a few musings. You know what, I am an Anglophone living in Quebec all my life and I really liked the PQ a lot better when they were in third place and their leader was a GAY COKEHEAD. Now, they are beginning to make me feel very anxious and uncomfortable. Well you know what I have to say? Pauline, go fuck yourself, you fucking bitch. Go fuck yourself. That is all I have to say today. When I have more, I will share it with you Rant Line™. Cheers. [BLEEP!]
M [same guy, a few days later] Greetings Rant Line. Salut Pauline… [deep sigh]. [BLEEP!]
M Why does it seem like every year, I’ve got to work late into the night drawing up VENN DIAGRAMS of worse and worse political candidates in order to figure out who to vote for in yet another election? I’m so done with it all. Last time, you hear me? After this, I don’t want to know who’s running, and I don’t want to know who wins. Because either way, it isn’t us. [BLEEP!]
M Okay, so listen up, VIRGIN EYES. Ease up on the hate. Guy wants to walk naked in his apartment, let him. There are plenty—and I mean plenty— of women who strut naked around their apartments, so don’t go man-bashing. And there are a lot of women who strut around all summer with their TITS AND BITS out, but I don’t see any dudes wearing shorter and shorter pants so the tips of their DICKS stick out. Maybe he has a FABRIC ALLERGY. Maybe he doesn’t know anyone can see. But don’t jump straight to hating on every man alive. Bad business. Thanks. I knew I could get that out. [BLEEP!]
F About the GIANT in the apartment who is also walking around nude and the lady can seem him. There’s a lot of men, I don’t know what they think when they look in the mirror. Bald, glasses false teeth, fat. And they want Mrs. America? Hello? [BLEEP!]
M I’m not even sure where to fucking begin. I moved to this city two months ago from Sherbrooke. I fucking love it and I hate it. There is so much fucking shit going on but you need to have money to do that shit. And the only way to get your fucking money is you have to get a fucking stupid job that makes you feel like an ANSWERING MACHINE, and I got fired from that motherfucker. It’s a mixed blessing because now I am fucking broke, jobless and fucking overqualified, man. So much good shit going on but how the fuck can you enjoy it if there’s no fucking time to do it? Because at the end of the day you come back from a fucking job that rips out your SOUL and all your desires and wants and needs, so that you just feel like a fucking machine. You might as well be living in Toronto. [BLEEP!]
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