“edited” by AL SOUTH

F To the loser throwing around pejorative terms at the HIPSTERS and HASIDS in Mile End. Fair enough, say what you will about the hipsters, that’s a fashion choice, and who knows if it will stick around. But as for the Hasids, dude, seriously, if you don’t like it, move the fuck out of the neighbourhood. One of the reasons that Mile End is so awesome is because the people who have been coexisting her peacefully for generations don’t go around marginalizing one another based on narrow-minded views of one another’s religious beliefs. How about you go back to wherever it is you are from that gave you such a NASTY MOUTH that you thought you could run around FLAPPING at communities you know clearly nothing about. Save us all the trouble of your ignorance, because it doesn’t represent Mile End whatsoever, or the 21^st century. On a happier note, how cool is it that as a sign of the acceptance of diversity in this city, one of the most desirable women happens to be TRANS. Awesome 2014! Julie Paquet, fuck yeah! [BLEEP!]

F Beards—your time is over. I’m talking to you, little skinny boys with full bushy beards. It doesn’t make you look macho or OUTDOORSY. Growing some muscles would do that. And I’m talking to you, balding men who think growing stubbly hair on your face makes up for the no hair on your head that you hide under a hat. Why not show us your back hair too? That would be just as sexy. Attention all men: no more beard farming, no more creative facial hair, everyone please stand closer to their razors! Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I was walking up St. Laurent today and passed a new MISSION for homeless men in Mile End. They were all standing outside it smoking and squinting in the sun, dressed in clothes they got from the Salvation Army or Village des Valeurs. Poor men, I thought, the economy really has taken a downturn. And then I realized it wasn’t a new homeless shelter they were standing in front of, it was UBISOFT. Jesus guys—pull yourselves away from your computer screens and take a look in a mirror. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, Rant Line™. I just want to call to your attention that in the Metro at La Cite there is a notice up from the Office de la Langue francais which, from what I can make out, is certifying their excellent job upholding the charter of the French language, which I guess is a thing. You’ve got to wonder about what would make them decide that’s something to be so proud of that they need to put it up on display at the front of the store. Meanwhile, they can’t seem to do anything about the FRUIT FLIES that infest the entire produce section. Good to see priorities in the right place! Thank you for listening. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is about those annoying lights on the COP CARS. They aren’t just in Montreal, because I was practically blinded by them to the point of swerving off the road a few weeks back on the Ontario stretch of the 401. But have you seen these BLACK MUSCLE CARS some of the cops here are driving now? And they have POLICE written on them also in black, so you can barely see it? I guess it’s supposed to be intimidating or BATMANY, but I certainly wouldn’t pull over if some guy in a midnight black muscle car came up behind me, flashing lights or no. I guess police have given up on the image of being friendly and helpful, and have decided they’ll just try to scare everyone into line? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, that was BILL HICKS who said “If you’re in advertising, kill yourself,” and I know exactly how you feel. I did it for about six years and then went back to school because I used to cry myself to sleep over the evil bullshit and pieces of shit that make up the industry. It’s so rotten, rotten, rotten, and Mad Men is just steering a bunch of fantasists into the business, just in case there weren’t enough misogynistic self-serving scumbags in it, right? Anyway, don’t kill yourself. Walk out and do something else. If you hate it that much, you’re already better than 99 per cent of the people in advertising. Hope this gives you some encouragement. [BLEEP!]

M Suicide isn’t funny, no matter why you do it. So just—if it’s really on your mind—you need to just stop everything and get some help from a professional or even a friend. Life isn’t always fun or happy, but it’s better than no life at all. There are people who love you, even if you don’t know it, or don’t believe it, or even haven’t even met them yet. I’d be happy to meet you for a coffee if you ever need someone to talk to. Let us know you’re all right, okay? [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, bad fucking news! No sooner had I called you guys to tell you about my neighbour and her BIG OILY TITS than, wouldn’t you fucking know it, she moves away! God, this is a sad day for me. I used to be able to set my clock by that nightly show. By my estimation, the chances the apartment gets rented by another hot blonde with a need to oil her tits and no need for CURTAINS is precisely zero. Life really does just get worse and worse. [BLEEP!]

F I dunno. It looks like SUMMER, but everything seems too quiet. Is Montreal all grown up now, or something, or has the party moved? Let’s get the party started, all right? Yeah! [BLEEP!]

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“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Yep, hi. If you look at the time, you can see it’s pretty late at night. I was sitting here watching Game of Thrones on my Galaxy tab, and I see something flashing on my wall, like a strobe light. FLASH, FLASH, FLASH. I was like, what the fuck is that, because I’m up on the 10^th floor. I thought maybe it was a SPY DRONE. But when I went and opened the curtains to look, instead I see a police car with its lights flashing. Not the old kind of lights, but these ultra-bright halogen flashing lights that were fucking blinding to look at even from 10 floors up and about two blocks away. Are these new? Because they’re pretty fucking obnoxious. Montreal police: even our cars are assholes. How’s that for a new slogan? [BLEEP!]

M Between the HIPSTERS who think they’re God’s gift to the world, and walk around like they own the place, and the HASIDS who think they’re God’s gift to the world and walk around like they own the place, the Mile End area has become unbearable. Although at least the Hasids aren’t wearing gay fucking running shoes and skinny jeans and ridiculous sunglasses. Seriously. What a lousy area to try to shop in. [BLEEP!]

M Sometimes I see things I like better than the things I’m supposed to be liking. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I wanted to pass on some advice to the guy who talked about being DEMORALIZED by his JOB. The more I talk to people, the clearer it is that nobody is happy with their jobs, and most of the people doing the hiring are disgusting. What I do is I PRETEND. I go to work and I smile a lot, and I tell everyone that I’m great and that work is great and how nice everyone is. I do my job just enough without really working too hard, but talk about how great it is to be working there—which it isn’t. But my employers think I’m HAPPY, and so they like me and never second-guess me when I call in sick or have to leave early. And all the while I’m thinking to myself that they’re complete pieces of shit, and the first chance I get I will screw them over like there’s no tomorrow. So that’s what you need to do. LIE. It won’t make you like your job more, but it’ll make the bastards you work for happy enough not to notice that you’re not really working. Good luck! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I don’t know how to tell that WORKER’S BLUES MAN this, but all jobs are shit. Needing money to have fun is not anything new. So unless you can MARRY RICH or inherit a lot of money, then you’re fucked. On the plus side, so is everyone else. It’s just that you seem to want to be a little whiny bitch about it. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy saying there is a lot in this city but you need a lot of money to do them—the best things in life are free! You have beautiful parks, there’s the ORATORY, the Old Port, St. Denis, St. Lawrence, you have lots of festivals that give you free shit, interesting newspapers, beautiful nature walks. It’s all free. It’s just a matter of not finding things boring. Maybe you are boring? [BLEEP!]

F Who was it that said “If you’re in ADVERTISING, kill yourself”? Because I am, and I think I might. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I don’t want to get involved, really, with anyone else’s problem with NAKED NEIGHBOURS leaving their blinds up. But I very much do want to say thank you to the FIT SWEETIE across from me, because almost every night she comes strolling into her bedroom, drops her towel, and then spends about 10 minutes OILING her tits. Well, maybe it’s not 10 minutes, but it’s definitely long enough for me to get what I need out of it. So thank you. And maybe that woman complaining about the other guy could try to take advantage of seeing some free cock. One day we all get cut off. May as well look while you can. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, a FABRIC ALLERGY? Really? Good excuse. It seems a lot more likely that he’d have a fabric allergy than just be the sort of person who gets off on the idea of everyone seeing his dick? God, you’re stupid. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this isn’t really so much of a rant so much as a thought I had about all the LOST STUFF that people never see again. And how I wonder what happens next to it. Like, I lost a HAT today and went back to look for it, but it was just gone, and I wondered if it got picked up, or thrown out, or what happened to it. It’s a bit SAD to think someone might suddenly be loving something that someone else is sad to have lost. I had that had for years. It was my dad’s. Shit. I hope someone else picked it up and takes care of it. It was always a bit too big for me, Anyway, it’s sad. I’m a bit fucked up right now. Not because of the hat, or anything. Just because it’s Saturday. Anyway, if you found a hat, sort of floppy-brimmed brown hat, let me know. Sometimes people put things they find on parking meters so the person who lost it might see it if they come back that way. That didn’t happen with my hat. I’m rambling. Sorry. Bye [BLEEP!]

M I’m sorry for sort of talking low, but I’m sitting on a TOILET in a restaurant men’s room having a dump. And that sets the scene for you. But to my right, that’s where someone wrote I LOVE ROCK SOLID COCK on the wall. And this isn’t even a shitty restaurant, either. It’s fancy. Not fancy-fancy, but fancy for an Italian bistro type place. Not cheap. So I’m now wondering, did some guy, while taking a shit like I am still trying to do think, “I must tell someone I love cock or I’ll explode.” And then he wrote it down like it was that lame secrets web site and suddenly he felt LIBERATED? I just don’t get it. Okay… I need both hands now. Gotta go. Bye. [BLEEP!]

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