“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Yes, I am calling—and I’m surprised if I’m the only one—because I can’t be the only one who is sick to death of these WINDOW-RATTLING FIREWORKS all summer long. Once a week on Saturdays is bad enough, but do we really need them in the middle of the week, too, when people maybe need to have some quiet and not have things shake on their shelves from the idiot explosions? Which, by the way, also send poison garbage into our air, land and water. Every year, they get louder and louder since dumb people equate bigger explosions with a better show. Like Hollywood movies. But just like Hollywood movies, we would be better off without them. Let’s start a petition to get them stopped! Yeah! [BLEEP!]
M If anyone is the vicinity of Coloniale and Napoleon, please be advised that there is a GROW-OP in the vicinity. Or at least that’s what it smells like to me. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, I want to complain about the Festival Juste Pour Rire, which should be called Just for REAR, like ass, because of all these fake-titted hookers walking around with fat comedians in ugly RAYON shirts. Does the festival hire all the hookers for these guys, or do these guys get to their hotel and immediately flip the Yellow Pages open to Hookers, Old and Spent and hire themselves up a few? I mean, the fucking Eurotrash and fat Americans during the F1 have got nothing on these idiots when it comes to embarrassing themselves. Also, their shows aren’t that funny. Anyhow, I’m here all week. [BLEEP!]
M Yes, to the female who ranted about BEARDS. First of all, may I just say I am a straight male, I have a full head of hair and can grow a full beard, and presently have one. I think that it is good that people are growing beards again. I must admit though, that anyone who can’t grow a full beard and just has those little patchy things on different parts of their face—maybe they shouldn’t grow a beard. But since we’re on the subject of body hair, and you seem to have an obsession with it, let’s just say one thing. Ladies, next time you are thinking of shaving the old GLORY HOLE, why don’t you sit in a chair, spread those legs, and take a good look at it with a mirror. And then ask yourself, do you have a nice looking one, or not? Because believe me, there are some women who should cover it with some hair, because not all pussies look nice! Some do, some don’t. The ones that look like they have a piece of STEAK hanging out of them, then maybe the old Mohawk or METRO TICKET—whatever you want to call it, a patch of hair to cover it up—will do you some good. Also, when you shave it and it looks like it’s got a whole bunch of five o’clock shadow, that doesn’t look too appealing either. Ladies, take care of those pussies. Manicure them the way they should be according to how they look. Take care down there. [BLEEP!]
F Hello Rant Line™. I am calling because I am so mad at the city of Montreal right now. I love garage and yard sales and I’ve been out wandering around for the last few weeks looking for them and I decided to have one of my own, on Bernard. And the CITY COPS came and busted us! They told us if that we didn’t move we would get charged. What kind of fucking ridiculousness is this?! We can’t get rid of our own crap? Come on Montreal! Let us get together as a community and get to meet our neighbours and sell our shit, for fuck’s sake! [BLEEP!]
M You ever think maybe it’s time to start DESTROYING THE CAMERAS instead of feeling camera raped? [BLEEP!]
M This is a follow-up to the rant about booty-shorts and women showing their shit through skimpy clothes. I don’t know if you realize this, but people are just animals, okay? Stinky, dirty APES. And the only thing they want from each other is to fuck. Guys want to fuck because they like to fuck, and women want to fuck to trap a guy to be protected from other guys who they don’t want to fuck. That’s it. That’s the whole of human relationships right there. Fuck or be fucked. You can dress it up and talk about love and what everybody has to offer everybody else or whatever, but it’s just a VENEER on top of the facts. And that’s why women dress that way. To catch some dick so they don’t have to be afraid or look for their own food. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know their SCIENCE. [BLEEP!]
F I’m just calling because I am in my 30s now and I realize that a lot of the things that I thought I would accomplish in my life and a lot of the possibilities that I thought were open to me, aren’t really. So, all my DREAMS have died. And the saddest thing for me is not the DUST of my dreams, but that nobody warned me that this would happen. And in a way, now that it has happened, it feels inevitable. Everyone must go through this, so more people should talk about it. That’s all. [BLEEP!]
M Hello, I am calling in response to pissing-on-the-hippies Rant Line™ guy. I don’t think you have a right to put down hippies, since there aren’t any left, they are all DEAD, and everyone left is a zombie. If you had any education about what hippies really were, you would give them an ounce of respect. Hippies paved the way for the great world we are in living in today. They stopped the Vietnam War! The hippies planted the seeds that we now see in Greenpeace and your environmental and eco-positive proactive groups. So don’t use the word hippie if you don’t like somebody just because they are wasting your time bitching. Hippies took it up the ASS. They were shot and kicked around! If you want to learn something about the sacrifices of the hippies, watch the movie Easy Rider. [BLEEP!]
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