“edited” by AL SOUTH

F Hey, so in the last print edition of Cult Montreal, the editor-in-chief interviewed A Tribe Called Red. That’s cool, and they deserve the exposure. But what’s not cool is misspelling and misnaming two of the member’s nations. Maybe it was a SIMPLE MISTAKE, but if you are going to pretend to give a shit about indigenous cultures, stop upholding the COLONIALIST legacy by disregarding our names, our identities and our nations. I am sick of this BS whitewashed culture that is Quebec. Realize whose land you are living on and find ways to be an active ally. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I am in my car driving home and I am listening to the radio and they say that we are celebrating 375 years of Montreal, and the mayor is thinking of providing a walkway—a pedestrian path—from Mount Royal to the Old Port. Now, this is not a good way to spend money that should be put into fixing the roads that people drive on that have huge fucking HOLES in them! This is fucking horseshit! I don’t need a pedestrian fucking walkway when I can’t even drive on the fucking streets without feeling like I am in Africa. This is bullshit. I’ve had my suspension changed on my car three times already! This doesn’t make any sense at all. Fix the fucking roads! [BLEEP!]

F Seriously? We are going to spend $42-million to build a walkway from the mountain to the river? Like there is not already enough STUPID CONSTRUCTION going on in this city? Tell you what, give me and some of my unemployed friends $1-million, just $1-million, maybe even less, and we will build a ZIP-LINE from the mountain to the river. That at least would be fun. WHEEEE. [BLEEP!]

F I don’t really have the time right now, but I am pretty sure I could think of 42 million things that would be better to spend $42-millon on that a path. God. [BLEEP!]

M Anybody who hears or reads the reviews for Aphex Twin’s Computer Controlled Acoustic Instruments pt2, hold your opinions until you hear it on VINYL. You have the choice of playing it at 33 rpm or 45. When you hear the 45 rpm being played—I am listening to it right now—you will understand where part one is, and then you will understand part two. Wow. But meanwhile, do you think Aphex Twin gives two shits about being nominated for a Grammy Award? Especially when the announcer couldn’t pronounce the name of the album properly, or say his name properly. So no wonder he didn’t come. [BLEEP!]

M Hey I am here to propose a new alternative to YOLO for the next generation. There is this ORDER called the Thelemic Order, and their slogan is “Do What Thou Wilt,” and I am hoping that you young kids will start saying D-Dub-T-Dub for short. So keep that in mind and spread the word. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is for the guy who was complaining about the girl who works in a CALL CENTER. Ok, I get it, it sucks when call centers call you. It really sucks. But you are saying how you are happy that you called the cops and got their business shut down? Man, you’re a dick. There are already not enough jobs in this city and you go and make people lose their livelihoods—people who obviously can’t do anything else. If you don’t want calls from call centers, don’t answer your fucking phone, man. [BLEEP!]

M I have to say that I completely agree with the rant uttered by the girl criticizing the public transportation system of Montreal, that they have the temerity to raise the price of the tickets to $3.25, further GOUGING the poor and sick. There are 800,000 people on welfare in this province, and now you are going to hit a single mother who is trying to get across town to buy something cheap? In Europe, if you are on the dole or if you are old, you get free—free!—transportation. That is a reality that is not happening here. [BLEEP!]

M Fucking sick and tired of email and all this digital shit. We are not ROBOTS. What the fuck. The people from the post office are so much NICER, they come to your door, they say hello, whether they be male, female, whatever—sometimes they are PRETTY LADIES—but whatever, it’s fucking better than stupid fucking digital robots. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. As someone working in the on-line marketing business, it’s hard not to be disgusted at how wholly commodified the general public has become. Stop thinking the Internet is a BOON of free services. The only time you get something for free on the Internet is if you download it illegally. Otherwise, you’re paying by surrendering everything about yourself in exchange for an ad for whatever it is you happened to be shopping for anyway. Use ad-blockers. Abandon Google. Leave Facebook. If you don’t care about your privacy, you don’t care about yourself. [BLEEP!]

F If I can just make an admission, sometimes when I get myself off, I think about being KILLED and it sends me right to the finish line. Weird, huh? And I’m not even Goth, or anything. I listen to THE BEAT. [BLEEP!]

M Montrealers, if you fell like you need inspiration to go to the gym, get on the Green Line, stand up and wait for your MAN BOOBIES and your SPARE TIRE to jiggle. Nothing more inspiring to get you off the couch and into the gym. Good luck and get fit. [BLEEP!]

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