“edited” by AL SOUTH

F To the girl talking about colonialists and racists. I think ALL WHITES are colonialists an racists, because they were conditioned by their parents and whatever they heard on TV programs. And I don’t think they even realize that. [BLEEP!]

F Building a sidewalk from Peel to the Port. Like, really? Health, education, the real poor? That doesn’t matter. Get out there and MANIFEST, people. And if you have to VANDALIZE to get heard, then do it. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™! It’s great that the sun is out and that winter is going away, but it isn’t even really spring-like yet, and there are already DRUNKS screaming in the streets and destroying other people’s property in the middle of the night. And you know what? I’m sure this is just all part of the protests. I think people see it as some sort of party—they get all wound up, and then go drink and act like lunatics. Protest isn’t CHAOS, people! Let’s stay in our right minds and change the word for the better! [BLEEP!]

M What’s with all the psychos these days? [BLEEP!]

M Hello. A word please, about all the latest rounds of MANIFANKORING—or whatever it is fucking called—that is going on. I think it’s great that our young idiots have found a new way to get together and have a party that also makes them look like there’s another level of depth to them, but I also think they are mostly full of shit, don’t understand the issues they’re manifankoring over, and just want to look cool yelling anti-police slogans with the cool kids. Anyway, that was just the start of my rant, because I wanted to say that I ordered food—a pizza and some chicken—from New System restaurant, and it took 90 minutes and was COLD. When I called to complain, the manager dude blamed the manifankors for delaying the driver, which is a load of shit, because A) there was no manifankoring going on that night, and B) because it’s very easy to get to my house from New System without passing a manifankor route. Anyway, Quebec is in a shambles, and this is just more evidence of it. And don’t think this means I stand with the fucking police, either. Most of them are MMA-worshipping motherfuckers with shit between their ears. So fuck the police! But also fuck the manifankors. [BLEEP!]

F Cabaret Mile End. We miss you, we want you back. [names establishment on Fairmount], you are annoying. Your music is way too LOUD. You are going to cause the new P.A.’s windows to shatter. There is only one solution to drown you out, and that’s too FUCK way louder than you. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, ok, I just saw a kind of HIPSTER DUDE walking down the street. All dressed in black, black leather jacket, black beard, black t-shirt of some sort, and of course black skinny jeans. Oh, and black sneakers. And like so many of them, he had his KEYS hanging outside his pants, on like a chain. They all have this. Chains and keys hanging out. I guess it is because the pants are so tight that nothing can fit into the pockets, so all there junk has to DANGLE outside? So I was wondering—how often do you lose that shit? It breaks, or the cloth the chain is connected to rips. Then you lose all your keys, and you are fucked. Could a hipster who does this—this dangling, jangling key thing—maybe you could tell me how often his shit gets lost? Is it really practical? And also, where did this come from? Because as far as I know, it comes from the GAY WORLD. Does it still mean this? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, about President Obama on Kimmel. I was just wondering why he’s not allowed to disclose anything about the UFOs and the ALIENS. All right, thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M This one is for the woman who wants me to KILL her while we FUCK. Would you be okay if we fuck a few times before I kill you so that I can see how we work together? Maybe I won’t want to kill you anymore, and we can get married in a nice CHURCH CEREMONY. Your dad can give you away, and I’ll say, “Sir, I cannot tell you how much I love your daughter. I couldn’t even fuck and kill her.” What do you say? Are you ready to give love a chance? [BLEEP!]

F If it makes anyone feel better, I actually think of being killed all the time. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that can get me out of bed. [BLEEP!]

M D-Dub T-DuB! [BLEEP!]

M Hey. I live in NDG, on welfare. For the past few months, in my window… my neighbor… I’ve been able to… well, she leaves her CURTAINS open, and she’s a LESBIAN. And… I mean it’s just in a DREAM… but I’ve seen you make love to your partners and I’ve seen you put lotion on yourself and get changed. And I watched you masturbate and it’s beautiful. It’s really hard for me not to look, but I feel bad for looking. It’s really hard. I just want you to know, if you see this, that people can see you. And that’s cool, you know, I’m like that too. I like it when people see me. I would love for you to see me, and know that I think you’re a lesbian and that I think you’re beautiful. Just keep on keeping on. Have a good night. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268)