“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Yes, hi, this Diaper Boy. Fetish nights? Get you ass on FetLife, there are tons of them! You’ll find them all up there, you just have to get on your computer, type in F-E-T-L-I-F-E.com and you’ll find tons and tons and tons. You will not know what to do with yourself, I swear. If you’re BEMOANING the lack of fetish nights in Montreal, I think it’s probably because you’re a bit of a LUDDITE. [BLEEP!]
M Hi, this rant goes out to whoever stole my wife’s BREASTFEEDING BRACELET while we were having an open house to show our apartment on the weekend. You’re a fucking scumbag. Maybe I’m wrong to do this, but I’m assuming it was a woman who did this because no man would steal a woman’s fucking breastfeeding bracelet from her nightside table. Let me tell you something, that’s the shittiest move you could pull. Anyway, I won’t go into the details about how you are ripping off new parents and new mothers because that was obvious—you were in our home. Let this be a message to you. Let you be cursed for your thievery, whoever you are. [BLEEP!]
M Yo Rant Line™, what’s up? Welcome to the season of Didier Drogba! Can you feel it? Arrivederci! [BLEEP!]
F I am looking at a picture of Mélanie Joly with no GIGANTIC WART on her face. So what are we to think of her candidacy when her picture itself is a washed-out lie? [BLEEP!]
M What’s with all the young coke dealers in British Columbia, Canada? [BLEEP!]
F Hi, I want to make a comment about people standing in line at grocery stores, just to pay for one item, and people complaining about it. Well, first of all, it’s CHEAPER than the depanneur. Second of all, when I go to Couche Tard, it’s the old “Is that all? Is that all??” Yeah, I think we know what we want. Do they want us to buy the whole store? And the employees are at the cash, I noticed, but nobody’s on the floor to help you find anything any more. And most of the depanneurs are owned by CHINESE, and they are always LAUGHING. I used to think it was because they were polite but I figured out that when you ask them a question or try to talk to them they just laugh like it’s ignorant, they want you to leave! I think of all the years they’ve been here, they would have at least picked up “hello” in English or French, or “thank you”? No. There you go. Good day. [BLEEP!]
F Even worse than the people standing in line at grocery stores just to pay for one item, delaying everybody and being annoying, are the people who in grocery stores or depanneurs or coffee places or anywhere buy one item—like one small coffee or one pack of gum—and pay for that one item with a debit card. Would it really kill you to carry actual money, some CHANGE? So we don’t all have to wait? Or did you give all your change to the homeless guy outside? I don’t think so. I think that you have no actual real money, you don’t work, you are a SPOILED STUDENT or trust fund baby, and you just use the card to take the money out of an account that your parents keep pumping their hard-earned money into! And whatever happened to the rule that you cannot spend less than $5 to be able to use a card? Isn’t it ILLEGAL? [BLEEP!]
M Hi I’d like to make a commentary about the social function of GARAGE SALES, and the usage of them to help bridge isolation owing to technology and the trens that I see. I am from an OLD GENERATION, and that means a car was a car, a dollar was a dollar and life was little simpler. People communicated without hiding behind these screens. But why I am talking about garage sales is because THE AUTHORITIES came and broke up a garage sale today. For me it was a sign of killing communication between people, because of function of a garage sale is to extend communication beyond blue screens. It was a sad sad sight to see. They got a fine. I am sorry—this hurts me and weighs heavily on heart. Also, why are there no musicians playing on the street? Why are there no painters painting in the park? Where are we going with this? [BLEEP!]
F You ever wonder what other people are thinking? They are all just thinking, what are other people thinking. This is the closest human beings will ever come to understanding each other. [BLEEP!]
F Why isn’t anybody SQUAWKING about the penguins at the Biodome? Last time I saw them they were cooped up forever behind panes of glass, nowhere to go. Some gawkers crammed together were fixated on these quasi-birds with clipped wings, and it was feeding time and someone with a lab coat walked into their dimly lit setting with a metal bucket of fish. These penguins sit around like effigies of themselves, neither dead or alive. Why not put out dummy penguins in their place? I would rather be a CALECHE HORSE any day than a penguin at the Biodome. [BLEEP!]
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