“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hey Jian Ghomeshi. How you doing bud? This is the boys in Cell Block # 9. Just wanted to let you know we’re waiting for you to get here. We got the welcoming committee and the CRISCO OIL all ready. It’s gonna be a hell of a good time, bud. Oh, and you can bring Big Ears Teddy too. The more the merrier, right? See you soon, Jian. [BLEEP!]
M Greetings Rant Line™, I want to share a story with you about the late great David Bowie. The Thin White Duke, Ziggy, etc. Back in high school, back in the 80s, there was THIS KID. Nobody knew his name, but he had David Bowie’s HAIRCUT. So everybody in the school would always go, “Hey look, there goes Bowie!” or “There’s Bowie eating his lunch.” When I look back on it, what an HONOUR to be bestowed upon this kid! Nobody knew his REAL NAME, but what a great honour—to be called one of the greatest, most influential entertainers that we will ever see. Someone who had such an imprint on society, on art. We were all very fortunate to have had David Bowie in our lives, and I just want to say thanks. I spent three nights in concert with Davie Bowie and I’ll remember that forever and ever. One night I could almost TOUCH him, I was so close to him. I’ll treasure these memories. The Thin White Duke has left us but his music will be with us forever. Thanks, Bowie. [BLEEP!]
M Isn’t it somewhat ironic that Bell is running a mental health campaign when there are few things in this country that drive people CRAZIER than having to deal with Bell? [BLEEP!]
M (w/German accent, seemingly real) Yeah, hey, this is probably the WORLDEST OLDEST RAMMSTEIN FAN. I am 62 so as you probably understand, I certainly don’t mind dynamic music. But this fellow Dom Castelli, in Cult in December, he is whining about the former Jailhouse Rock venue on Mount Royal and Clark. He is crying the usual CROCODILE TEARS. Jailhouse Rock is certainly not missed in this area, and it had nothing to do with real music promotion. It was just a NOISE SOURCE. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]
F Why may I ask why are they draining our senses by replacing the calm and marvellous voice of Keri Yager doing traffic reports with that DRASTIC BEAST Orla Johannes. Thanks a bunch. Now we have to be on high alert to avoid this talking calamity. By the way, did you notice that whenever Orla does the traffic report, there are always significantly more accidents? [BLEEP!]
M Hello, did I hear this right? Montreal is going to spend $39.5-million to LIGHT UP the Jacques Cartier bridge? Are they insane? Here’s an idea, how about for the birthday, we get some ROADWORK. It’s like being in a HORSE-AND-BUGGY, driving on our fucking streets. This is not good money management. [BLEEP!]
F Hello Rant Line™, this is my rant. I think that Montreal should ban PLASTIC BAGS. Plastic everything, altogether. We could be totally ahead of the curve if we did that. We’ve got plastic the size of TEXAS floating in our ocean and pretty soon there is going to be more plastic than there will be FISH. And it’s all coming from us! We’re shipping our plastic overseas and they’re dumping it in the water—if everyone started bringing their own bags every time they shopped, instead of this STUPID IDEA that they’re going to charge you five cents. Charging five cents, that is just a stupid way for these stupid stores to make more money, and it doesn’t stop the plastic bags. Plastic bags are everywhere, particularly those hideous GREY bags that are so thick and plastic-y. Plastic should just be banned! Bye. [BLEEP!]
F I am an artist and filmmaker and I am utterly disappointed with the festival circuit and the creative community that keeps standing behind the film OF THE NORTH. Since when did documentary filmmaking—avant-garde or not—became about perpetuating ignorance? There are ETHICS in art and documentary filmmaking. Yes, there are ethics even in MASH-UP ART. For one, do not call the film a mash-up of the North, when 30 per cent of the footage is from other areas of the world. How is Dominic Gagnon even getting away with that? Art and filmmaking are ultimately about gaining deeper knowledge and understanding of the subjects we explore—creating a lazy sensationalist mash-up based on shallow uninformed observations is not art, it is ignorance. However, we all make mistakes, and we all have our BLINDSPOTS. So when the indigenous community which the mash-up claims to represent on screen complains about the misrepresentation, it is crucial to listen, to try to understand and to acknowledge your mistake, not to dismiss those people as NOT enlightened artists. The people who raised their voices are the Inuit creative leaders of today. Women and men who are well respected, avant-garde artists themselves. Or how about when you get a petition outlining the fundamental problems with the film with more then 1000 signatures and you still choose to show the film? Artists and cultural organizations that refuse to question and expand their own understanding of NON-WHITE CULTURE perpetuate colonialism and ignorance—the opposite of what any documentary filmmaker, documentary festival, artist or self-respecting cultural organization should be doing. [BLEEP!]
M Yo man, I just want to have fucking sex with EVERY GIRL, dude. I just want to fucking suck on the TITTIES of every fucking woman. All the beautiful chicks, man, I can’t just have one girl! Who the fuck can have one girl? I want every girl! I want to be smothered by fucking tits—that’s how I want to go out, man. I just want to fucking have fucking titties all over my face at all times. I want to have beautiful ASSES on my face. I want to eat the pussy of all the beautiful women. I just want to fucking cum on every fucking woman’s fucking chest and fucking make love to all of them! Oh my god!! Ok, bye. [BLEEP!]
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