“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Greetings Rant Line™. You know what I did when the half time came on at the Super Bowl? I took a MAJOR DUMP because I get more pleasure out of that than watching that piece-of-shit band Coldplay, who makes me sick to my stomach—I want to vomit right now, I think I’m going to put my finger in my mouth and vomit—they suck so bad. And another thing, while I’m at it, I was thinking about going to see Black Sabbath at the Bell Center and then I quickly came back to reality. I saw some footage of OZZY from last year—I ain’t gonna pay money to look at that. That’s bullshit. I’d rather watch a DVD from 1978 Hammersmith Odeon, with Bill Ward on drums, the real Black Sabbath, than pay good hard-earned cash to go see this OLD FOOL wearing EYELINER making an idiot of himself. I would rather listen to the albums when he had a good voice—now he doesn’t even remember the words! I’m going to pay all that money just to see Tony Iommi? I don’t think so, man. Bullshit, man. The way Sharon Osborne WHORES him out every night is really pathetic. Ozzy, it’s time for you to leave the party. Fifteen, 20 years ago. Go home, Oz, it’s over. It’s over. [BLEEP!]
F Montreal is great! It’s 4 a.m. and there is tons of stuff going on and there are even some bars still open. I know this is because it is the Nuit Blanche night and it doesn’t happen all the time, but this is a special city! I am not just saying this because I am a little bit DRUNK and HIGH. We don’t have anything like this where I come from, and my city is more famous than yours. Seriously, Montreal people, you should do this all the time. Keep everything open, especially the bars. Put yourselves on the map! Bonjour, Montreal! [BLEEP!]
M I don’t care about Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift or Kanye West vs. Amber Rose—I don’t know who Amber Rose is, really—or who stuck her FINGERS UP HIS ASS, but I think Kanye West should stay the fuck away from our great Canadian music producer Bob Ezrin. This is a guy who did the first Aerosmith album and all the great Alice Cooper albums! Right there that is better than anything Kanye West has done. And he did many more, not all of them great but many of them are still better than anything Kanye West has done. It’s not like I’m super-patriotic or anything—you want to pick on a Canadian producer, go after David Foster for doing Celine Dion or, I dunno, Bruce Fairburn for doing LOVERBOY and Bon Jovi. But leave Bob Ezrin the fuck alone. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M That BOWIE rant got me thinking about back in the 90s, and people who went to school in west end NDG. Does anyone remember a dude who looked and carried himself exactly like KURT fucking COBAIN? He had the alternating hair dye jobs, the toilet bowl glasses. Seemingly every stitch of clothing this guy owned was as close to if not exactly carbon copy of something you would see in a poster of photo of Nirvana and Kurt Cobain. He’d hang around the Moon restaurant, and nobody knew who the fuck he was, either. There was a bunch of different kids and cliques from schools and private schools around the area, and then this one dude. Dirt Nobrain, I like to call him, because he looked like a real fucking lose-bag. Now maybe that’s just because I was a teenager back then, but in hindsight, he still looked kind of like a lose-bag—a walking homage to Cobain. Anyway, what was the deal with that guy, anybody remember? Calling out Royal West, College Prep, Loyola, Villa Maria, Sacred Heart. Who knew the Cobain knockoff? Nobain, we could call him, more maturely, in our 30s. Rock and roll lives forever. [BLEEP!]
M Hello. As an American citizen who has been living here for a few years, I would just like to say I APOLOGIZE for Donald Trump. Please don’t think that all of us Americans are buffoons or CONMEN or racist bullies. And don’t worry, he won’t win. But if he does, can I stay here? [BLEEP!]
F I don’t know if you saw this or not, but the guy who DECAPITATED a passenger on a Greyhound Bus and then ATE parts of his BODY six years ago is being allowed to go out of the hospital on his own now. He can just go for strolls, wander around, watch the people walk by, watch the buses drive by. This was only six years ago he did this. You know, the fact that he is out on his own walking around, and not in SOLITARY CONFINEMENT in a maximum security jail—I don’t know if this makes us a great country, or a crazy one. I did read that the mother of the guy who lost his head is not too happy. [BLEEP!]
M I had a dream that there was a witch living at the bottom of the mountain in a Batman’s cave with a KRYPTONITE CLITORIS waiting for Superman to come, so she could devour him. [BLEEP!]
F I saw there was a QUIDDITCH tournament this weekend, you know, Harry Potter quidditch. It was in Lachine, for some reason, although I am pretty sure there is nowhere like HOGWART’S in Lachine, or even close. But anyway, I thought, well, this is a fun idea, I wonder how it works. But then I looked at a few pictures of them playing, and the thing is, with the broomsticks—well, obviously they can’t fly on them, but what they have to do is run around with the STICKS between their legs! I can’t be the only one who thinks this looks ridiculous, and also somewhat PHALLIC? True, it is boys and girls playing together, but still—they are playing with big sticks between their legs. Someone should invent a flying broomstick—I can’t believe no one has already—so they can play the game properly. They could make the broomsticks fly low to the ground so no one gets hurt. That can’t be that hard to invent, can it? [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I just wanted to say that I finished watching the movie Carol and right now I am thinking about being a character in that movie. Only not having a lesbian relationship, because it’s not really my thing. More like having a taboo love affair with a sugar daddy, and he looks like MALCOLM TURNBULL. Thank you, that’s all. [BLEEP!]
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