“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Well I have to comment about the $40-milion WASTED on illuminating a bridge where there have been more suicides in the history of North America than any other bridge, apart from the Golden Gate in San Francisco. And that’s a true historical fact—the Jacques Cartier is a NOTORIOUS place of suicide in the record books! I think really that money should have been allocated towards public housing, fixing potholes or making sure the ice is cleared so old people don’t break their hips. [BLEEP!]
M Hello Mr. Coderre, mayor of Montreal. If you want my vote in the next election DON’T LIGHT UP THE BRIDGE. Find better ways to spend our hard-earned tax money, because this is stupid. Anyways, je me souviens. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
F Ok. This goes out to the fucking STM bus driver on the 108 line who, when I was trying to get on with this giant-ass BOOKSHELF, and I asked him if he could put down the RAMP, and he was like, oh, it’s not a mover. Dude, the goddam GREEN LINE IS DOWN, I can’t take the fucking metro, I’ve been taking three buses all over town, I walked 10 minutes to come to this fucking bus stop, it’s midnight, I’m 5 feet tall, this goddam bookshelf is 5 ½ feet tall, put down your fucking ramp and help me! There was like six people who helped me on all the buses and this goddam bus driver is giving me shit, all because the metro is down and I couldn’t get home with this stupid bookshelf that the guy on fucking Tradehole told me wasn’t that heavy. Arrgggh! Ok. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M I had a dream that I was serving Tony Bennett coffee in a BALLERINA SUIT, and then I went to the bathroom and there was graffiti on the wall, and it said: at the age of 10, man is an animal, by the age of 20, a lunatic, by the age of 30 a failure, by the age of 40 a fraud, and finally, by the age of 50, a criminal. So then I danced out of there. [BLEEP!]
M I was listening to Celine Dion singing and I realized, it sounds like a sea lion dyin’. Celine Dion …sea lion dyin’. Sorry. [BLEEP!]
M The other day I was on the metro and some hip hop dude gets on and he had on these GOLD CONVERSE HIGH TOPS. And I’m thinking in my head, does David Bowie know that his shoes are missing? If Ziggy Stardust played basketball, those are the shoes he would wear. Why on earth would you want to wear a pair of gold high tops that look like you stole them out of David Bowie’s wardrobe? [BLEEP!]
M Hey I just picked up the Best of Montreal edition and I have to say I agree that I do find it odd, Best Fries McDonalds, Best Coffee Starbucks. But then again you have to take the fact that a lot of people who read Cult Montreal are Ontario transplants who have just been shipped in by mom and dad, bucks a plenty, and they haven’t yet discovered all that this wonderful city has to offer. As for coffee I’d like to nominate that little coffee shop that’s on the corner of Mont Royal and St. Denis, right beneath the stairs. They always make a pretty sweet latte that’s not too expensive. [BLEEP!]
M Hi, so I’m originally a Montrealer, moved to Toronto for about 15 years, moved back. I love Montreal and I love Quebec, but there some stuff I just can’t understand. For one, I got a family, I buy milk, milk costs $4 in Ontario. Milk costs $6.89 in Quebec. I don’t understand why. Is it because it’s colder here? Probably not. Is it because the cows are separatists, souverainistes, and they need more land? I don’t know. But it just doesn’t make sense that a staple, something that every kid needs, costs 60 per cent more in Quebec. I’m almost thinking of putting together a documentary on it, the MILK MAFIA. If anyone wants to get back to me and join in or help me with that, or even just discuss, I’d appreciate that (leaves name and number). [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™, this is about the working class, specifically the WHITE WORKING CLASS. Seems like everybody, all the media, politicians of all stripes, all they want to do is SUCK THE DICK of the white working class. And I just want to say, fuck the white working class! These are the type of people who, if you tell them that they are better because they are white, will literally eat shit and call it filet mignon without even being prompted. You want to talk about millennial entitlement, let’s talk about white working class male entitlement. You got Hilary Clinton—she was not a perfect candidate, but she wasn’t a nuclear-war-starting psychopath. And she had a program to retrain and reintegrate into the workforce with better jobs workers in the manufacturing industry and coal mines. She would have helped. But then you had Donald Trump—all he said was imma get your job back. And they went for that. So these people, they fucking drink their SHITTY BEER and they have their fucking THIRD GRADE EDUCATION and they whine and cry about the politicians and the elites—oh, they’re lying to us they’re lying to us—and then Hilary Clinton—and they hate her because of her VAGINA and because she sounds intelligent when she speaks—when Hilary Clinton offers a complex solution to a complex problem, one that might require a bit of work on their end, learning a new job, but in the end its going to get them more job security, it’s going to help them feed their families, its going to make their lives better, they just ignore that! Because they just want to be lied to, they just want the guy who is going to turn the clock back to goddam 1964 and everything’s going to be the same and you’re going to work in the fucking COAL MINE and you’re going to work in the factory and you’re going to be just like some guy in a goddam BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN song and nothing ever is going to fucking change. I am so sick of these people, I am so sick of sucking up to these people! Fuck the white working class. And I say that as somebody who escaped the white working class. Fuck the white working class. Good night. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, my rant is about dickless motherfuckers roaming the streets acting like your shit don’t stink. My job on earth, only put here through god, is to let you know that your shit does stink. It stinks very badly. So freeze your buttholes and then get back on the street, make that money, and make sure you BREAK ME OFF at the end of the night, 2:45 max. [BLEEP!]
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