“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Bonjour! Hi! Hola! Buongiorno! Guten Tag! Shalom! Privét! Namaste! Salaam! Nǐ hǎo! Konnichiwa! Sàwàtdee kráp! [BLEEP!]
F So this is going to sound a bit MORBID, essentially, but I don’t understand how the hosts of the Beat 92.5 honestly don’t just don’t commit SUICIDE. This isn’t a personal attack, I don’t know them. However, where I work they play it constantly and I just don’t understand how anyone can listen to this for hours on end—let alone host it—without literally wanting to blow their brains out. I don’t even work here that much when they play the Beat, 13 hours a week, and in that time I have heard Usher’s “DJ Got Us Falling In Love” pretty consistently, generally at least twice a shift. Have there been no songs released since “DJ Got Us Falling In Love”? How many times can you LEGALLY play it on the air before you get taken off? I just don’t understand. Quebec needs to get some LEGISLATION in place. Can’t deal with it anymore. [BLEEP!]
M Greetings Rant Line™. Can you name two things that played recently at the Bell Center that both SUCKED equally? The answer: Les Canadiens and Arcade Fire. I remember when the Montreal Canadiens were a Stanley Cup dynasty, there was a parade practically every spring. It was amazing. And the Arcade Fire, I remember when they were a really cool indie rock band. They had good tunes, a cult following, their shows were a big deal. But look what happened to them—they became a Top 40 disco band! I can’t believe it. And the Montreal Canadiens, they became the Toronto Maple Leafs. It’s HEARTBREAKING. [BLEEP!]
M Hello, to answer the question from the female ranter who asked “Where are all the women, how come they’re not ranting?” Maybe it’s because they are absolutely completely consumed with a MALE INVENTION called the iPhone. Peace out. [BLEEP!]
M Oh boy. I’ll break the ice and be a bad guy. To the female ranter, cut that shit out with your NON-BINARY NONSENSE. The Rant Line™ is not your personal Tumblr blog—you’re either born a GIRL or a BOY. Deal with it. You’re not a computer operating only on ones and zeros. Seriously, have you even looked around to see these goofs in action—it’s pigeon-holing at its finest, with all those made-up buzz words to make them seem interesting. Look, I’ll do the same thing now—I sexually identify as an overweight trans-dimensional demonically possessed ELF from Mitgard who pilots techo copters for a living and if I ever meet you and you refuse my SEXUAL ADVANCES you are a racist xenophobe fatphobic, a bigot, a sexist, and a Nazi. Those are real arguments by the way, look it up if you don’t believe me. These people also like to pretend they are OTHERKINS, like “Oh, I’m not a human, I’m a 300-year-old dragon named Dmitri” or some such shit. They also consider having multiple people inside their head fun—fun fact, that’s called schizophrenia, you might want to get checked for that. And then there are all the TRIGGERS they like to claim to have, which is anything anyone can ever do that induces them into a PANIC ATTACK for the stupidest reasons you can think of. And they have no shame in saying they are self-diagnosed, as if a doctor with years of study wouldn’t know better than some egotistical jackass. And I will guarantee you, Rant Line™, if you post this rant next month, not only will I buy you a drink of your choice, just for the roaring laughter I will have, but you will also allow me to say what a lot of us NORMAL PEOPLE in a normal setting can never say out loud publicly, because if you do you can count on the social justice warriors harassing you to the point of going to your place of employment and making you LOSE YOUR JOB. Just because you said something that hurt someone’s FEE-FEES and shattered their made-up fantasies for moment. Trust me Rant Line™, this cautionary tale is to bid you not to let that SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE shit on your pages. It’s for your own good. Peace. It’s ok to be WHITE. [BLEEP!]
M Do we really need a high-speed TRAIN from Montreal to Quebec City? I can maybe understand people from Quebec City wanting to come to Montreal, but who the fuck from Montreal wants to get to get to Quebec City that bad, or that fast? [BLEEP!]
M Look, anglophones, the Olympic Stadium is here to stay. You may not like it, you may think it is a DEAD WHITE ELEPHANT in the middle of nowhere, but that is because you are an anglophone and never leave your tiny anglophone GHETTO. The vast majority of Montrealers, and Quebecers, LOVE the Parc Olympique de Montreal. It is a bold architectural structure, it is part of our PATRIMOINE, it was built to last. And because of the way it was made, you could not blow it up even if you wanted to. The joke is on you. [BLEEP!]
M When I heard about LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN’S musical influences, which were derived because people were singing on their balconies, playing music in the streets, doing all kind of HUNGARIAN DANCES—immersed in the 19th century freedom and need to express things musically—and I look around me I see it is like a MORATORIUM that is confounded by committees and the fear of being fined because you don’t have a permit, and no one is listening to you anyway because they have their EAR BUDS on, I just had to rant about this. What is going to happen with music? What flower will bloom when everything is caged and you can’t do what you want to do where you want to do it and when you want to do it? I have the need to do it, but I’m not going to wait five years for a committee of bureaucrats to pass approval upon my impulses. Music is need, now. It’s not next year. Let the people speak and breathe and play. [BLEEP!]
F I think the Liberal government should come round and apologize to all the HOMELESS who’ve been roughed up and treated like trash and give them money and HUGS. [BLEEP!]
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