“edited” by AL SOUTH
M No, no, no. Every spring it is the same thing—the RESURRECTION of all the winter DOG SHIT. Which reminds me, I’ve got a simple solution for all the PITBULL and dog bylaw bullshit. It’s easy. To own a dog you must sign a waiver that you are responsible for all the dog’s actions—property damage, mauling, killing. If your dog has done it, you pay all the expenses incurred. Say like $100,000 in the case of mauling, and at least a million for killing. The dog is DESTROYED, no questions, no arguments. The problem is all these sucky whiny self-entitled spoiled BRAT dog owners who don’t take responsibility for their moronic actions of not properly managing their stupid little dog. Sign on the dotted line and shut the fuck up. Peace out. [BLEEP!]
F Shout out to the group of five like 56-year-old people passing a JOINT around in Jeanne Mance Parc today after work. Well, after I was at work, not the fuck after they were at work. They were enjoying life with everybody else. Summer is here baby! [BLEEP!]
M Hi, my name is Rockin’ Rob. I just want to say I’m a bit distressed because I don’t think there is a proper METAL SCENE here in Montreal. Metal saved my life with its positive life-affirming message! It is not the DEVIL’S music. It’s just plain music, and it’s all about how you use it and appropriate it in your life. But there’s not enough metal in town—I’ve been to many clubs but there’s just no true metal anymore. I have to go find my stuff underground—there are no clubs that are really properly playing metal or having true metal bands. What’s going on here? Hip hop rap, it’s ok, I’m very appreciative of all kinds of mucis, but I’m a METAL MAN. We need a revival of metal here in Montreal and clubs that will properly show appreciation and let metal bands come in. There’s nothing to FEAR. What are people afraid of? I never became a devil worshipper by listening to metal—I became a better person. I’m not against other forms of music, I’m a very open-minded person, that’s what metal is all about. But I am first and foremost devoted to metal, without condemning others. I’d like to see metal be given a fair shake. [BLEEP!]
F Get this. I was just sneered at in the supermarket for wanting to play the LOTTERY by a mother with kids who made it look like she definitely wiped out in the having kids sweepstakes. One look at those two kids proves having children is a real gamble! It seems some kids are always ready for Halloween. [BLEEP!]
M This is just a public service announcement from your LOCAL SERVICE CLERK. As summer struts in, women are pretty, it’s nice out, of course you want to go out. So of course, when you go to see a show, please, don’t be an ass, don’t try to be a smartass with me. When I tell you that you got the fucking discount for the tickets you purchased, you got the fucking discount! Don’t try to OUTSMART me and cancel your ticket and rebook just to try to save two or three dollars because you think there may be a discrepancy in the price. Guess what! I see idiots like you eight hours a day trying to tell me how to do my job! So I know things a lot better than you! So when you go out of your house in your MOBILITY SCOOTER because you are so fat that you can’t bearing walk under the weight of your own ass, please, don’t behave like one. [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™ this is your favourite friendly neighbourhood DRUG USER here. I think it is fine to do drugs, as long as you don’t depend on them, and I honestly don’t see why some people are making such a fuss about pot legalization. But I am seeing more and more in the news how the government is trying to demonize it—“Oh my god, it’s bad, and here are the facts before it gets legalized.” Please, get over yourselves, you guys are outright selling way worse shit, like alcohol, which is a lot more dangerous than pot. You smoke pot, you just GIGGLE like an idiot, then afterwards you have the MUNCHIES and you go to SLEEP. That’s pretty much it. While when you’re drinking, you just drink and drink and drink and then afterwards you fall upside down in the DUMPSTER puking on yourself. It’s not the best thing to do. I’m all for pot, I just hate the demonization of it. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah this is a call from Gatineau. It’s a message for Alamo. I just wanted to say thanks again for the fresh pair of jeans you gave me in that stack of National Geographics. The tiniest bit of hope you showed me in that pocket full of XANAX. You were there for me brother with a train ticket to recover when life got too tough and I couldn’t seem to kill myself quick enough. I’m pretty sure I still owe you for that quarter ounce of weed, though. I’ll pay it all forward with love to the next sick brother in need, you know I will. You’re free now, free of judgment, you’ve still got the love. Free from hunger because you were sick as fuck and you suffered under it. You’re gone and so is the pain, I just hope your mother can recover, I’ll miss you my man, and I love you my brother. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Rant Line™, this is going to sound kind of weird, but I was just thinking of this friend I used to have, this really good friend. He kind of went FASCIST in 2016. We stopped talking over the WHOLE TRUMP THING. I’m terrified to reach out to him, in case he’s a full-on fascist now. Like, I’m actually terrified. I know he sometimes reads this so—if you were my friend in 2016 and we had a big fight over Donald Fucking Trump, and you’re not a fascist anymore, just reach out. If you are a fascist, you can stay fucked off. [BLEEP!]
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