“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Here’s a skill-testing question. Actually, it’s a TRICK skill-testing question. Here it Is: is that dude from Hedley who just had a MUG SHOT taken, is he MORE PUNCHABLE in that MUG SHOT than he is in his usual photos, or is he less punchable? Think about it. Which makes him look less like a guy who needs a big fat knuckle sandwich right to the face? When he is in a mug shot, or when he is on stage acting like an asshole and singing badly? And here’s the answer—it’s a tie! He is always punchable not matter what the situation! I told you it was a trick question. [BLEEP!]

F Mark Zuckerberg just lost $16 BILLION and it affects him about as much as if you or I lost $16. I take that back, for a lot of us losing $16 would affect us MORE. The world is not fair. [BLEEP!]

M Attention Canada Post. Stop pushing publicity into our mailboxes! Eighty per cent of what your mailmen are shoving in our mailboxes is publicity from corporations, from restaurants, that we did not request. You are crossing the line! Canada Post is supposed to be a government institution dedicated to our respective mail, letters and stuff. Hence, stop stuffing us with propaganda, with advertisements, with shitty papers promoting whatever the fuck we don’t request. Today I CONFRONTED a mailman about this, and he was completely dismissive, telling me that his supervisor enforces him to do it. Yet I asked him if he got a commission for this and he said yes! They get a commission for delivering publicity. So they get a cut and his supervisor also gets a cut. What kind of a government institution allows this? This is ridiculous and must stop now. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, it’s Canada Day and I’m celebrating it by having a glass of wine at the SAQ. Funnily enough, on St. John Baptiste Day, the SAQ was closed. I guess there must be a discrepancy between Canada Day and St. John Baptiste? But whatever, I don’t appreciate very much all these stickers they’re sticking all over the windows, and I asked the employee, why are you involving the public in your dispute with you union? And he said, well because you’re buying the wine. And I said yeah, and I’m paying your mortgage and your rent and everything and the wine is already overpriced as it is! Don’t drag the public into your drama. As if I give a shit—I don’t even have a job! I think the same thing goes for the police and the firemen. Now I appreciate the services the police and the fireman do, there’s no question about it, we’d be very badly off if it weren’t for them, but I mean, dragging the public into your economic disputes is rather GAUCHE. [BLEEP!]

M Stop complaining about the HEAT, the COLD will be here soon enough, you idiots. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling about Moving Day in Montreal and the fucking mess on my fucking street. It’s full of flies and maggots and garbage and shit. I’ve had enough of these fucking students—these fucking FRENCH students from FRANCE, I think they largely are. There oughta be a law, the city of Montreal should ban these people from leaving their shit on the street when they move, teach them they are not in Paris. In fact, I think it should be punishable by the DEATH PENALTY. In fact, I think we even need to build a WALL to stop these French people from coming into this neighbourhood and taking it over and then moving and leaving their crap on the street. I feel like I live in a fucking stinkhole and I’ve had enough of it. [BLEEP!]

M All right gentlemen, most of you are of working age. If you have a job, you are of working age. And guess what, I just stepped onto a LAKE OF PISS because some limp-wristed bitch was too much of a bitch to lift the TOILET SEAT. And now as I sit on a lake of piss I just want to make this message very clear. If I ever catch you pissing on the toilet seat, I will install the PISS POLICE STATE up to and including confiscating your dick with a knife until you fucking know how to use it. I will chop your dick off if I ever catch you pissing on the seat! Hail the piss police state motherfucker, you better watch the fuck out! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m just calling because I want to know, how come James Brown never had an album called Brown Town? Yeah. [BLEEP!]

M Hi it’s Rockin Rob. Another thing I’d like to share is about the LGBTQ scene here in Montreal. I’m not LGBTQ myself, but I have many LGBTQ friends. One word I cannot stand is TOLERANCE. I’ve heard people say about LGBTQs, “we tolerate them.” I can’t stand that word. No matter how it’s meant it sounds so condescending. How would I feel if someone said to me, “Rob, I tolerate you,” even if they said it in a very kind and benign way? Uggh! It’s just so creepy. I don’t want to be tolerated, I want to be accepted. That’s the word I live by and try to extend to others—I accept people. I love the LGBTQ buddies I have, they are so sweet and artistic and kind. But the word tolerance should be stricken from the vocabulary. And here in Montreal we say we believe in diversity—I don’t even like that word. We’re all ONE. We gotta get beyond those terms, they make it look like some are different from us. We are all us! Thanks a lot, and rock on. [BLEEP!]

F I just read on MTL BLOG some reporter, and that is using the term very loosely, advising Montrealers to AVOID GOING OUT AFTER SUNSET so that they don’t get attacked by COYTOES. As if we are under some kind of zombie attack. Ok listen, one, it is vey rare for coyotes to randomly attack people, so they were most likely being PESTERED or chased. Two, clean up your garbage. And three, if you must bring your child to a park where coyotes are trying to enjoy some evening leisure time, put it on a leash. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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