“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Oh hey, former Montrealer here. It’s Pride season in Toronto, so, you know, the fascists are out in full force. One rule of Pride that I’d like to see is BAN ALL FASCISTS, absolutely. But I think the second rule of Pride has to be that the word BUSSY must never ever be used. B-U-S-S-Y. And that is not having the quality of a tiny little bus. That is BOY PUSSY. And I remember Montreal being a city entirely made up of BOTTOMS, so god knows there is enough bussy for everyone. But I just don’t know what the francophone term for that is, and if it should be banned in the same way that bussy should be banned. All right. See you later. [BLEEP!]
M Hi ranters. This is Rocking Rob wishing you all a great weekend! Ok, my rant today is NERVOSA. Yes, Nervosa. I mean the band Nervosa. If anybody hasn’t heard of them, I urge you to check them out. Nervosa. Amazing Brazilian metal girl band. I mean, that’s pure metal. And I saw them in an interview—they are totally wild out of control and crazy and NASTY onstage beyond belief, but they have something to say they are beyond metal—but I saw them in an interview and I tell you, they are the SWEETEST nicest ladies you could ever hope to meet. They are so funny and smart, very mellow and gentle—the kind of girls you’d like to have a coffee with. They have a real message, they’re from Brazil, they sing about how tough and rough it is there. And they can scream with the best of the male metal bands, and even better. I mean I have to say this—they make SLAYER sound like BARRY MANILOW, okay. I’m being honest. I’m not putting Barry down, because even though I’m a metal rocker, I’m a Barry fan. Don’t tell my metal fans that, okay. Rocking Rob here signing out. [BLEEP!]
M There is nothing worse in this world than a LANDLORD. I cannot believe what they get away with. If you are lucky, you have one who is a human being, but 99 per cent of the cases are cold-blooded lying cheating ruthless invasive horrible people. Watch out for your landlord. But even so, make sure to keep your lease, because when the rent increase comes up you know it’s not going to be exorbitant, it has to be in line with the law. [BLEEP!]
M The Mural Festival. The Party Zone, or whatever the fuck it is called. I’m walking down the street at 4 p.m., on my way back from work, do I really need to have my BAGS SEARCHED because you guys are selling a few drinks inside a territory on St. Laurent street? A downtown street? Which is free and open to all? And yeah, it’s not that big a deal. But it’s a big enough fucking deal that it’s goddam annoying to get stopped and searched. I don’t even let the cops look in my shit unless they have probably cause. But because some booze company wants to make sure that they don’t lose any fucking SHEKELS, precious dimes and nickels that might be spent on alcohol. God forbid somebody brings a beer in. Boy, wait till the marijuana companies get a little more public—right now everyone’s smoking everywhere, but soon they’ll be frisking your weed at the door so you buy more weed inside. It’s unreal. I supposed I could take a side street, take another street, but I don’t fucking want to! Why? Because it’s my god given right to walk down any street in this city without somebody searching me! That includes the organizers of Mural Festival, it includes the police of Montreal, it includes any human being to whom I have done no harm nor committed any TRANSGRESSION. I am not culpable to anything under the eyes of the law! But because there is beer for sale you are going to frisk my fucking person? It’s not the end of the world, but it’s the end of some sort of right. When my right to walk down the street without being searched is compromised by a corporation and an organization who are afraid of losing a little bit of money. [BLEEP!]
M What’s up Rant Line™. Just to let you in on a little secret, just between you and I. You know how Canada has legalized weed and everything? Well if you look at all the RULES that still apply—for example no smoking in public—or that they want to fine you and jail you because you are buying weed from your dealer instead of one of the SQDC stores. Let that sink in for a moment. They are willing to put you into jail if you don’t give them your money. And still we don’t call them all one armed bandits? [BLEEP!]
M What is with the HATERS ON CYCLISTS. Today I was riding my bike and a small piece of it, just the front wheel, was on the crosswalk, the yellow pedestrian crosswalk, and some guy started screaming at me. Just screaming! He was going, “You fucking SELF-ENTITLED piece of shit cyclist, get the fuck off the crosswalk.” I don’t know, was he a lunatic? He must have been. Who else would behave like that? Honestly, between him and the people in cars honking and yelling, it is shocking. Who is being self-entitled? Entitled to what? And by the way, the reason I was even near the crosswalk is because we were being pushed there by the CONSTRUCTION. Speaking of that, who is planning the detours for all this construction? Is there any oversight, any planning, any central body or trained person in charge? Does it seem like there is to you? Because it seems to me that it is just the construction dudes—some guy in a HARDHAT with a Grade 8 education—who is in charge. That is who is doing the planning! This is not normal. I don’t want to defend TORONTO, but this is not how it would be done there. [BLEEP!]
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