“edited” by AL SOUTH
M: My number one fear with the Covid-19 Pandemic? JOGGERS. [BLEEP!]
F Hello Rant Line™. I was just wondering if anyone else has noticed that the joggers in this city are getting out of hand. Almost, like, PSYCHOTIC. I mean I know it is a pandemic and all, but for most of us the only thing we can do is go outside and take a walk. And I should say, most of the people running are fine—especially the WOMEN JOGGERS—but about one out of 20, or maybe 1 out of 10, of the guys seem sort of DERANGED. They are going top speed and they are not going to move out of the way or to the side, you just have to get out of their way or they look like they will run right over you! I guess these are guys who are like what, ALPHA MALES? And they don’t have any work to go to right now, and people to abuse at work, so they are taking it all out on the jogging path? Except it’s not a jogging path, it is where everyone else is going to have a walk. It is not a personal treadmill for you! It used to be bad enough with the cyclists, you know, make one mistake, step off the curb because you are daydreaming or maybe looking at your PHONE, and BOOM you get hit by a guy wearing spandex and going way too fast on a bicycle. But now I swear to god, the joggers are worse. [BLEEP!]
M OK, so I see they’ve finally declared BIKES as an essential service. Not sure what took them so long but what this means, folks, is that bike paths are meant for bikes! Not for baby strollers, not for electric wheelchairs, not for walking, not for fucking jogging—for essential bike riding. Ok? Got it? [BLEEP!]
M Hey, well whaddya know, the SQDC is sold out of HASH already. I guess it was hard to see that coming? C’mon, I know hashish takes longer to make than the GARDEN-VARIETY WEED the SQDC sells—or not garden variety, because most of it is not as good as what you could grow in your own garden—but the government had to have known that the hash would fly off the shelves like, I dunno, HOTCAKES. So yeah, we appreciate the 4/20 hash gift but it’s sort of a bad gift because by the time you went to get your gift there was none left! [BLEEP}
M The SQDC is so fucking lame! After selling out their 4/20 offering of some NICE HASHISH in a matter of hours the product is still listed as UNAVAILABLE on their website. But if you go look at the Ontario Cannabis Store site, they have a full offering of not only hash but locally produced ROSINS, KIEFS, BUBBLE HASH and SHATTERS. From now on I’m buying my dope online on the Ontario site and getting friends to ship it to me in Montreal. Fuck the SQDC. [BLEEP}
M Hey Rant Line™. So yeah, during the pandemic, as we call it, there has been quite a bit of an attitude from the SQDC security guards. They’re getting all UPPITY when you are in there trying to get your shit and get out—and you’re in there in a fucking lineup of COUGHING PEOPLE. A lot of people were getting paranoid in the goddam lineup, and he was being all uppity, so I just decided to COUGH IN HIS FACE. So I just hope this motherfucker gets it, with the attitude he had. People like that—just cough in their faces, man. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, so is it just me who’s freaked out by the recent re-branding of the SPVM cars to black like they were fucking STATE TROOPERS or something? Every time I see one it sends SHIVERS down my spine. Who the fuck authorized this and why the fuck are we paying for this? [BLEEP!]
M So I just heard FOODORA was closing down their Canadian operations in the middle of a pandemic boom in demand for online food delivery services. Funny that this comes at the same time their exploited pink-bag bike rider delivery guys are trying to unionize. And then there is the SURVEY. “How was your Foodora experience?” Listen, I’m not going to fill out your fucking survey and I regret ever spending a dime on your service! Please take your exploitative union-busting service out of our city and never come back. [BLEEP!]
F Hey Montrealers, what’s up with y’all waiting in line outside the SAQ and refusing to even FLIP A LOONIE to the poor homeless guy asking for spare change as you stockpile hundreds of dollars worth of booze? Did it ever strike you that these people can’t pay cash, can’t return empties and are probably the worst hit from this pandemic? If you’re so worried about catching the virus from these people maybe you can just throw some spare change on the ground. I’m sure they’d be happy to pick it up. [BLEEP!]
F Hello Rant Line™. I just wanted to talk about something that has been bugging me. I see that now we’re supposed to bail out CORPORATIONS like airlines and oil companies who, when times are good, make HUGE PROFITS and only share the profits with their shareholders and corporate executives. But when times are bad they want us to throw money their way? Hmmm, I have an idea, lets call these STUDENT LOANS and hound them for the rest of their lives until they pay the money back in full. [BLEEP!]
F Oh, hi there. Here is something I have been thinking about. I see that now we’re supposed to bail out CORPORATIONS like airlines and oil companies who, when times are good, make HUGE PROFITS and only share profits with their shareholders and corporate executives. When times are bad they want us to throw money their way? Hmmm, I have an idea, lets call these STUDENT LOANS and hound them for the rest of their lives until they pay the money back in full. How about that? Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M OK, so I don’t really need to know in the first 30 seconds of our conversation at a party whether your TRANS, VEGAN or NON-BINARY—spare me please. [BLEEP!]
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