TEN YEARS AGO THIS MONTH!
FEATURING: BLOODSHOT BILL, PLASTIK PATRICK, TALAMASCA & ANGRY VAGINA GIRL!!
“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT
M Talamasca, Talamasca. The lead singer, Chriss Lee, the guy who FAKED his own DEATH, is living in the dead lands now. He’s in Toronto, the poor fucker. But at least one of the members of that rotating troupe of musicians is still in town and he’s playing, believe it or not, glam rock. But if you wanna risk your soul and go to Toronto, you may just find Chriss Lee. [BLEEP!]
F Chriss Lee? Didn’t that big loser get smart and finally kill himself for real? [BLEEP!]
M Bloodshot Bill is the hardest working man in show business. Period. [BLEEP!]
M From someone who actually does know, Plastik Patrik just gets it on. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, for everybody who likes to mix up their techno and their church, there’s gonna be a TRANCE SERVICE at Christ Church Cathedral downtown on Sunday, Aug. 18 at 4 o’clock. So if you want a little bit of God and a little bit of amphetamine-driven techno music you should come down and check it out. Peace. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, is it just me or is everyone who works at that music store Mars on Ste-Catherine TOTALLY WEIRD. Because I went there today and there were five guys and they were all weirdos. If you don’t believe me, check it out. Mars music store, it’s in the basement on Ste-Catherine. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]
M This is for the people wondering where they can get SPEED in this city. I find that the 13 Highway is a pretty good place, and also the Ville-Marie Expressway. Mid-afternoon is a good time but you gotta watch for the cops, man. [BLEEP!]
F This is to Angry Vagina Girl. Your feminist propaganda is just as bad as patriarchal brainwashing, okay, so shut the fuck up. [BLEEP!]
M This is in response to that Nazi feminist who doesn’t tolerate imaginative interpretations of the female genitals. Men have to tolerate your absurd censorship at work and at home—basically everywhere. More and more men are fed up with this imposed political correctness. Don’t say this, don’t say that, don’t do this, don’t do that. Your pussy is like a huge abyss with WEIRD FISHES in it—you know, the kind that glow in the dark with big teeth? No one ever goes to the abyss because it’s too wide and deep and creepy and cold. If a penis ever gets lost in your abyss of a vagina, it will come back with freezer burn. [BLEEP!]
M My rant is for the lady who’s disgusted by the guy who referred to her vagina as a FLESH WOUND. I tell you what. I won’t refer to your vagina as a flesh wound if you don’t refer to men’s penises as “small invalid cocks.” First of all, my cock is almost a foot long, so I’m not taking this personally. But if you want someone to call your pussy a beautiful little beaver tail as opposed to a slit in the wall, then it would be nice if you could call guys’ dicks, I don’t know, a fucking banana with yummy edible cherries or something. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, hello, this is the person who left the original rant about the vagina being a flesh wound. I just wanted to say that I never bashed women. I love women. I was just asking why we love the vagina so much. That’s all. I didn’t mean anything by it. I respect women to the max! So don’t get your panties all up in a bundle there, I just wondered why we love the vagina and sometimes I just think it would be better if you guys were GAGGED while we fondled your vaginas. That’s all. No big whoop. Take a pill, relax. I love youse all. Keep it clean. Wash it, shave it, get it all pampered up because I’m coming to get them. I love the vagina and you never know where I’m gonna be. I might be in the local bar picking you up and I might be in your trousers by the end of the night. So get it all cleaned up. God love youse. [BLEEP!]
F I’m calling about the guy who’s wondering if there are any women out there who like SMALL PENISES. Well, me, personally, I like big dicks but I know some women—girls, actually—who like small penises. VIRGINS. Virgins like small penises because they’ve never seen penises before. Therefore any penis is the biggest penis they’ve ever seen. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, this is to all those OLD PEOPLE who take hours to get on and off the bus and make everyone late for work. Why don’t they make a bus specifically for old people so everyone else can get to work on time? Thanks. [BLEEP!]
M Yeah, I’m just ranting back about some really ERRONEOUS INFORMATION. I’m just back from a camping trip of three days. Dragonflies were landing on my shirt, on rocks, everywhere. It’s simply not true that dragonflies can only land on a branch, as was stated in the Rant Line™ in the issue of July 18. This is misinformation that should not be spread! Dragonflies can land on something flat! [BLEEP!]