FIND THE RANT LINE™ ON THE STREETS IN CULTMTL!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Can we talk about MOVEMBER here for a second? It has just been pointed out to me that there are way more people who do an UNSPONSORED Movember, which is to say they just grow a moustache, and don’t get sponsored to raise any funds. Purely an awareness campaign. It strikes me that the POPPY barely gets 11 days, if that. I couldn’t even find one this year. And yet this Movember thing—yay, we’re growing a moustache!!—carries on all month. Every year for a month we have to talk about moustaches—way past its shelf life. What about fucking Remembrance Day? Next year, let’s talk about that for a month. [BLEEP!]

M I just saw this NICKI MINAJ video and I’m really pissed off because I’m fucking really racist and WHITE and I saw this fucking BLACK chick with a giant fucking ASS and it gave me an erection and I’m not happy it gave me an erection because she’s black and I’m fucking really racist and white! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™, I’m wondering something. There was a guy at the corner of Stanley and Ste Catherine with an ACOUSTIC GUITAR singing for his daily bread, some song about not wanting to live in a world ruled by corporate interests and stuff. And the thing is, his LYRICS were pretty cool—but the guy could not sing. So what do you do in a situation like that? I gave him about $5 in change and said, like, “Awesome song, dude.” But I don’t know. Should I have said, “But you really need a better lead singer to carry the message?” [BLEEP!]

M So I’m happy to report that the PQ’s budget will have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever because I make NO MONEY and only drink other’s people’s beer or smoke other people’s cigarettes. Good job, Pauline! [BLEEP!]

M Shit, Rant Line™. Cancer MODELS? Really… the fuck is wrong with you? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m calling because right now while I leave this message, the INTERNET HAS BEEN CUT OFF IN SYRIA. Motherfucks cut the whole country off so they can carry out their evil shit and not have the OPRESSED PEOPLE suffering under a tyrannical regime get their message to the world. And you know what else? The only ones who seem to give a shit are ANONYMOUS. No mention of it on CNN or CBC Newsworld, but here are these hackers who everyone wants to label as criminals, and they’ve stepped up and managed to get dial-up lines open so the Syrians can use the Internet. They even released instructions on how to set up the Internet by opening up home WiFi networks and shit. And they did the same thing when fucking Israel started murdering Palestinians again in Gaza and threatened to disconnect their Internet. So maybe people should start fucking thanking GOD for Anonymous, because they seem to be the only people who want to help the common man. Never forgive. Never forget. Serious. Okay. [BLEEP!]

M Dude, I was just at the Bay and there’s a CRAZY SALE with everything in the men’s department 50 per cent off and even more if you use a Bay card. But that’s not why I’m calling. I’m calling because when I went to pay for my stuff, the HOT BLACK CHICK at the cash was wearing this LOOSE-FITTING SWEATER, and i could already see her tits pretty good, but then she had to fix the tape in the RECEIPT MACHINE and was yanking and pulling and her tits were bouncing all over the place! It was unbelievable. So my questions is, is it cool to ask someone out at a department store cash? I’m fucking going back tomorrow. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the woman who called to say she gets off on watching guys JACK OFF. Listen, I get off on having people watch me jack off! So why don’t you call back and leave your co-ordinates, and maybe we can get together for a little seminal PUPPET SHOW. My place or yours. I’m free New Year’s Eve, too. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, can the young ladies of Montreal please come to terms with the change of seasons and start covering up? I swear, I’ve seen at least a dozen people in the Ghetto walking around with just as much FLESH on display as there was when it was 35-degrees out, except instead of looking all sexy slutty, they look slutty fucking freezing. Nothing sexy about shivering and generally looking like you accidentally got locked out of the club. Summer will roll around again, and you can put your tits back on display then. Thanks! [BLEEP!]

M [singing] It’s beginning to look a LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS! Eeeeverywhere I go! Take a look at the Cinq-et-Dix, clamouring for a piece of whatever little’s left of your HARD-EARNED DOUGH! It’s beginning to lot like Christmas! ARMED GUARDS IN EVERY STORE! But the shittiest thing to me, which shoppers cannot see, is on the SWEATSHOP FLOORS. Yes, the shittiest thing to me, which shoppers cannot see, is on the sweatshop floors! THANK YOU MONTREAL. [BLEEP!]

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