“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hi, I have something to say to all the people who think it’s funny to talk about how bad it is to have the HOCKEY come back. I own a bar in Montreal and I had to get rid of two wait staffs because of the NHL lockout. I’ve made about half my usual earnings for this time of year because of the no hockey. Multiply that by all the bars in the city and all the other places that rely on hockey to survive—like restaurants and vendors—and you can imagine how much that has cost everyone. So instead of thinking you’re a HOT SHOT for saying there’s no hockey, think a bit about people who struggle to make a living selling things to people who watch hockey and love hockey. Then maybe you won’t think it’s so funny. Come on guys. We’re all a family in Montreal, and the Habs give us our earnings! Welcome back guys and GO HABS. [BLEEP!]
M When I was 19 or so, I was walking across the parking lot on Crescent at, like, three in the morning, with my buddy and we saw some FAT PIG slap his girlfriend. My friend went over and started kicking the shit out of the guy and, to everyone’s surprise, the woman started screaming her head off telling my friend to stop! And then she started hugging the fat fuck asking him if he’s okay and shit. And you know what, hockey fans? YOU are that stupid bitch, getting slapped in the face by a fat fucking pig, and then throwing yourself at him like he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Where is everyone’s outrage? The NHL owners and players don’t give a shit about you. They need your money and give you back a bitch-slap. No dedication to you, to their hired home team—only to money. If people had any self-respect, they’d tell the entire NHL to go fuck itself for their troubles. Share the NO revenue. But no—go buy your new Habs jersey for $150. Normally they’d all be on sale by now, because it’s the end of the season and a new one is coming out soon, but not this year, I guess, right? Fuck pro sports. Thanks. [BLEEP]
M The STM is seriously fucking up. I just took the 166 from Cote des Neiges and Queen Mary down to Queen Mary and then all of a sudden it turns around and goes all the way back to Cote Des Neiges. And fuckin’ I get off the bus and it just goes En Transit, instead of Hors Service, and just drives off. Like what the fuck?? I need to get home, it’s the end of the day. All the other night buses are done. This is beyond fucking stupid. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™, I just went down the street to buy myself some LUNCH. The bill was $5.49 and I wanted to pay with my debit card because nobody carries cash. And the FAT LITTLE PIG working in there said, “I’m sorry, there a $6 minimum charge.” And I’m like, what the fuck? And then she wouldn’t give me my lunch! I just want to say that all businesses who have a minimum Interac charge to cover the five cents or two cents are a bunch of cheap greedy little fucks. [BLEEP!]
M Look, I just found out that the price of STAMPS has gone up from 61 cents to 63 cents. What the fuck? Before Christmas I bought two books of 30 stamps, and now they are no good, because they are only worth 61 cents! So now I have to and buy two more books of two cent stamps! This is insane. And what’s even more insane, if you go to the Canada Post Find a Rate site, and use their calculator to figure out the price of a letter or parcel, it adds on TAX to the cost. So it is telling me that a regular small letter is 63 cents plus nine cents tax for a total of 72 cents. That is not true! It is a lie! If you don’t believe me, go try it yourself. Seriously, somebody needs to do something about this. It is not FAIR. [BLEEP!]
M You know what you are? You know what you are in your faded crappy $10 off-the-rack piece of shit HOODY? You are a young-money cash-money billionaire. You got us all fooled. Fucking go find some old WU WEAR. [BLEEP!]
F All right, so I was completely shocked to find out that even if you do *67 before you PRANK CALL somebody, there is still a way for them to get your number. All you have to do is call your cell phone provider and ask them about your billing, your recent activity, and say you’ve been overcharged. And they’ll tell you what you’ve been charged for exactly. They’ll say, well you got a phone call last night at three in the morning. Any you’ll be like, oh yea, from who? And they’ll tell you the number. They’ll tell you the motherfucker’s number! So beware prank callers—our days are numbered. [BLEEP!]
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