“edited” by AL SOUTH
F You know what makes Monday morning even worse? Waking up to find the sidewalk in front of your place covered in FROZEN PUKE. Thanks St Patrick’s Day, and thanks to the asshole who doesn’t know when he’s had too much to DRINK. Too bad you didn’t die choking on it instead of leaving it all over somebody’s goddamned HOME. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™, well, I am kind of disappointed that so many people celebrate the fact that METAL IS NOT DEAD and that some people carry a love of metal into quite an old age. They celebrate that bands like Voivod are in their 50s and Augury are in their 40s and still kicking strong and stuff like this. Well, if you are anything else than an ANGRY TEENAGER, that means that you have brain problems. Even more worrisome about the latter case is that the singer is a teacher in high school and my cousin had him. It is not something to celebrate. [BLEEP!]
F Hi guys. I just wanted everybody to know I’ll be leaving my home tonight and I’m wearing CLOTHES, but will be bringing my vagina and breasts with me. I’ve been very careful to keep them well-covered, though, so hopefully that’s enough to keep me from being RAPED. I hope I don’t reveal too much because I’d hate for you guys to be powerless against your sexual urges. Really sorry for making you rape. Thanks everybody. [BLEEP!]
F I want to rant about these STUPID HUMANS in the buses and the metros. Take your KNAPSACKS off your backs. You stupid dummies. Take you knapsacks off your backs. I repeat, you stupid dummies. Take your knapsacks off your back. This means you, high school students, CEGEP, university, whatever. All you dumb-ass humans out there. Thank you. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]
M I’m sure that this is not an entirely Montreal-centric thing, but it’s gone on long enough. You people out there, men and ladies alike, who at some point, probably about 16 months ago, had your hair DYED bright blue or bright green. It was all bright and shiny and I’m sure you were proud of it. But now, after all that time, it kind of looks like SEWER WATER. I’m fucking dead certain no one chooses sewer water as their hair colour, no matter how crusty a punk you are. So it is time to cut the hair, book the appointment, get a fixer-upper. Shave your head, I don’t know. And another colour that is really disgusting is dead pink. It looks like you’ve got MISS PIGGY’S PLACENTA hanging out of your hair. So cut it, re-colour it, do something. But stopping walking around with a fucking sewer head. [BLEEP!]
F This is a rant for the cocksucker who stole my jacket yesterday at a faithful bar that I go to a lot on THE STRIP. I enjoy this bar, and you are ruining it for me. Now I have to forcefully feed myself an entire bag of FUZZY PEACHES to feel better. And the worst part is that it’s not the jacket I’m worried about. There was a really cool HEADBAND in there, that said C.R.E.A.M. on it, as in cash-rules-everything-around-me C.R.E.A.M. And I really liked it and I will probably never see it again, because you’re a fucking douchebag, somebody who is definitely not homeless, who steals a PETITE GIRL’S coat. Like what the fuck? You suck. You’re awful. Terrible. I hate you. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, where is everybody? It’s my BIRTHDAY and I thought I was going to be surprised with a surprise party, but nobody asked me to do anything tonight at all. I’m home alone and it’s almost nine o’clock! Great way to turn 25. My friends are so useless and they know exactly who they are, so thanks guys. I guess I’ll go eat PIZZA in front of the TV. Thanks. [BLEEP]
M Yeah, it’s very late at night. Or maybe it’s early in the morning. I never got that. Is it night or morning? Anyway, I was out tonight and had a great time, had some pops, smoked some pot, talked to some girls. Then I’m walking home and pass some guy and he looks at me and he says, “Mmmm… GRILLED CHEESE.” Now that’s all I’m thinking about. And I think this guy was just saying “mmm grilled cheese” to everyone he walked by, like, screwing with their heads, knowing that they were going to be ready to kill somebody for some grilled cheese sandwiches for the rest of the night. I do not have grilled cheese just ready to go in my house, but from now on you can be sure I will. [BLEEP!]
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