“edited” by AL SOUTH
F Hello empowered women! I see WHOLE-ASS-OUT shorts are de rigueur for the fashion-conscious gal this summer. Tight and short and let’s see those cheeks! Good choice, ladies! Equal pay cannot be far off with this new initiative. I applaud you, and don’t think for a second that anyone will look at you as a mere tool for sating their sexual desires. Remember—if you put a leg up while sitting on Montreal’s beautiful terraces you might be able to give the boys a PEEK OF PINK, too! Make sure you add that to your CVs! Bye! [BLEEP!]
M Hey WOMAN. Whoah, man. Put up some fucking PANTS. I’m sick of this goddam YOGA shit. None of you should be wearing it. I don’t want to go see my mom and she’s wearing some fucking yoga clothes. Or any of her friends. Or anyone else I see on the street wearing this shit. I didn’t like it when I was going to school and seeing girls in STRETCHY fucking clothes that I can rip off with my TEETH and I don’t like seeing it now. Most of you should not even be allowed to buy it, so none of you should be allowed to wear it. Spandex is a goddam privilege not a fucking right. Stop it. Just stop it now. Please. [BLEEP!]
F Montreal. What is up with the PLATFORMS? Not ok. [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™ I just wanted to share how embracing DRUNK ANOREXIA as a fitness strategy is really working for me. And this is probably a bad thing. [BLEEP!]
M What the fuck Rant Line™? I’m stuck here in the shitheap of TRAFFIC on Sherbrooke on this otherwise beautiful sunny day, going with the flow, here. Nothing I can do about it anyway, right? But this little SPANDEXED FUCK on a bike just came zipping down the middle of all us car-drivers, and tears by and CRACKS my fucking arm, which was barely outside my car window, with his bike. And then just keeps going. What a cunt, right? So I just screamed CUNT out my window at the top of my lungs. But then I thought people might think I was nuts, so I called you guys to make it look l’m not just a guy who screams cunt while sitting alone in a car. Anyway, I fucking hate cyclists in this city. Aren’t there enough bike lanes now to keep them the fuck out of the way? I expect to be KILLED by a Montreal cyclist one day. Mark my word. It’s going to happen. [BLEEP!]
M Somebody buy those two fruits a CHUNK OF HASH so they can finally just meet up and suck each others pee pees and get all giddy and wooey. Please don’t print any more rants about them. [BLEEP!]
M Hey, I read your Tell Bell to Eat Shit rant and didn’t think much of it until this morning when I had to call Bell to change my phone package, and sat on HOLD for 30 minutes. Then some guy finally comes on to talk to me and says “Thank you or calling Bell—how may I make you SMILE today?” Are you kidding? Thirty minutes on hold and you start with that? I told him “Buddy, I ain’t smiling.” Then he tried to LIE to me about the lowest rates I could get on my phone, l and I had to SCREAM MY HEAD OFF to finally get the best price. How do they get away with this shit? “How can I make you smile today.” Nora! All this to say I now support the Tell Bell to Eat Shit movement without any hesitation! Rock on! [BLEEP!]
M Hey Rant Line™. Can you put some some WATER in Lafontaine Park? This is bullshit. Why am I DRINKING staring at rocks? I like drinking outside, I don’t want to drink starting at rocks. I want to drink staring at the beautiful water that Montreal provides us, water that I can’t even in swim in. Well, maybe I can, Rant Line™? Good luck. Please, save the day. [BLEEP!]
M Ok, the first thing I want to say is, I miss the Mirror. The second thing I want to say is, it’s 4.30 in the morning and I am DRUNK. The third thing I want to say is my balls are itchy. I miss the Mirror. Goodbye, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]
F I will totally CREAM my pants if that guy finds a C.R.E.A.M. headband on the Internet. And then I might eat a bunch of ice cream sandwiches while making homemade cream corn while SQUIRTING whipped cream on my cat. Ok, I’m running out of cream words. CREAM. [BLEEP!]
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