“edited” by AL SOUTH

M Fuck, niggah. I was in THE BOX. For a whole fucking month. Stop playing games on Fuckbook, man. Call. Call ASAP. [BLEEP!]

M Calling to complain. Montreal is just tabernac as shit. Sucks. Rain rain everyday. The Mile End is just a cool yuppie zone for stupid fucks. Rich assholes. The stores here—can you believe the shit people are selling? But everyone is acting poor. Jesus. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™, this isn’t really a rant—or I guess it is, but it’s at myself, so, anyway. I got caught in that DELUGE today coming home from my sister’s BABY SHOWER, where I got to wear my new, white LINEN dress. So you can imagine what happened. Anyway, some guy yelled to me out his window asking if I wanted to borrow a raincoat and I already felt completely sick that I was basically walking down the street NAKED because of the rain, and my first answer was to tell him to get fucked. But now I think he was maybe actually being SINCERE and trying to do me a favour, so I feel like a grade-A bitch. I guess it’s pathetic that we’re at the point where, if someone seems to be doing something nice, we just assume they’re up to no good. Anyway, I’m not proud. K. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi! I also have the same birthday as Leonard Cohen! Did you want to hook up? [BLEEP!]

M What kind of sad piece of shit steals a guy’s LAPTOP? Not even a good laptop, but a four-year-old, bottom-rung thing worth probably no more than $50 on the resale market! I’m hoping it’s the same kind of piece of shit that checks the Rant Line™ every week, so that he’ll see this and know we think he’s a sad piece of shit indeed. If you stole a laptop, bring it the fuck back and clean up your life, because sad pieces of shit do not prevail. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Cornholio. If you’re so upset about what the Rant Line™ offers vis-a-vis the LOCAL MUSIC SCENE, why didn’t you talk about some of those big, successful bands of tomorrow in your own lame rant? Instead, you just boo-hoo that nobody else is doing it. I liked the way the Rant Line™ was when people talked about the music scene here, but you know what? Now there isn’t one. So what the fuck? If you want to live in the past, hook up with Metal Boy from a few months ago and the two of you can jerk each other off to old copies of the Mirror. For what it’s worth, guys, I happen to like that weird psychic shit. That person is trying to save your fucking GLOWBUG spirit or whatever. So there’s a whining pussy’s take on it. Eat a dick. [BLEEP!]

M Man, I told you what the Rant Line™ needed to keep the people happy. Where are the TITTIES? You keep denying the titties, people are going to keep talking trash at you. Titty it up, Rant Line™. Click here for titties! Go! [BLEEP!]

M I read with great interest this man’s complaint of the Rant Line™ not being good, and I wish to offer my input of a suggestion. I think what the Rant Line™ needs is to have some more RACISM and RELIGIOUS INTOLERANCE. I see angry men and angry women and angry French and angry English and angry hash losers and angry hash finders, but nobody is a racist? This can’t be true! Maybe the Rant Line™ is being run by the anti-anti-Semites and Political Correctors? Where are the racists and the bigots?! [BLEEP!]

F Why are you riding your bike on the sidewalk, you asshat? Haven’t they built enough fucking bike paths for you yet? Sorry your chump ass is out $41, but I’ll bet there are a lot of people who had to side-step the asshat rising his bike on the sidewalk! [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello, this is a message for the NSA. Or I guess for the Canadian SA or whatever. About three years ago, I went on Chat Roulette and I had this GREAT ERECTION and jerked off with some cam ho who was just a filthy pig. She put a DILDO IN HER ASS. And I would really love a copy of that chat because I still think about it, but memory isn’t the same as seeing what she did with that huge dildo. So if you could track this call please and then email me a copy of it, I’d be very grateful and pay all the TAXES I can pay and not even take my EI next month from you. I don’t need the upstream of my cock, just her part. I see my cock all the time. Anyway, I’m sure the Canadian SA guys are all still beating it to her also, so it’s probably easy to find. Thank you for your fast reply. [BLEEP!]

GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 51-271-RANT (7268)