“edited” by AL SOUTH

M So I went to go see the first Chapelle show. Dave Chappelle. Fucking A. Still got his style, still got his swing. Everybody laughing. It was a hell of a damn good time. Respect to him. Good going. New style, new flow. You have to see the show to understand. Any which old way, it was fucking amazing. Yeah! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is in response to the girl who said we should all contest our tickets at the same time. I have an IDEA that’s even one step better. We should all just not pay them, and simply legally DISCHARGE them. How can you do it? Go to natural-person.ca. If we all do this together, we can find our freedom. [BLEEP!]

M This is for all you girls in your worn and BATTERED old Ramones t-shirts. You look totally unfuckable and depressing, especially when you wear it with black tights on the hottest day of the summer. Guys in your Ramones t-shirts, you still sort of look like clueless people who bought a t-shirt at HMV because you thought it looked good. But girls in your Ramones t-shirts, you’re scraping at the bottom of the barrel. [BLEEP!]

M Okay it is right now 4 am. I wanted to find this AFTER-HOURS in the Mile End area. So I approached these two sanctimonious fucking HIPSTERS and kindly asked them directions to it. But they didn’t answer–they just looked at me as if I was not worthy enough to go to this fucking club. I know these two fuckers are going to read this. Fuck you, you sanctimonious hipsters, with your MacBooks and oversize t-shirts and really SHORT SHORTS. You knew where it fucking was. Fucking ridiculous. [BLEEP!]

F Seriously Blizzarts, what the fuck? I love you so much, but every time I go I have something stolen from me. This is the same girl who had the C.R.E.A.M. headband stolen back in the winter. Last night, some fucker thought it was funny to steal my wallet and my house keys from my purse. Now granted, I like getting DRUNK, but why can’t people make their bad decisions not towards me? Blizzarts, this karma is really RAPING me in the ASS and it’s making me not like you. Blizzarts, I love you at the bar, but quit being an asshole. [BLEEP!]

F Sean, I am so lonely. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy who complained about getting a $42 ticket for riding his bike on the sidewalk. You deserve a $1200 ticket. You sicken me. [BLEEP!]

M To all the fucking cyclists. It’s called a sidewalk, not a SIDECYCLE. The next person who almost hits me while I’m walking is going to get a stick in his fucking spokes. That is all. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, Powder Pig, your COCAINE knowledge is lacking. Really good blow will pick up moisture from the air, and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s hot and damp. What the fuck you want people to cut with? Silica? Talc? I’m not saying Montreal blow is good. It’s all shit south of Florida, unless you score on the Silk Road. But you need to know you’re full of shit, so you can stop embarrassing yourself. Dry it out on a hot CERAMIC PLATE. If you’re really looking for purity, do a cocaine wash with ACETONE. But be prepared to see your already puny street gram dwindle to the most expensive, but best .4 you’ve ever snorted. See you on the corner, guy. Stay frosty. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. Those mentally ill street punks screaming DEATH METAL LYRICS aren’t mentally ill. They’re fucked up on drugs. Probably meth or bath salts. Why don’t you try singing along with them, and becoming a friend? Then you can try to help them get their lives back together, instead of being a pompous ass who looks down on people and doesn’t ever stop to think about their life difficulties? The world needs less judgemental dicks and more empathy. Give it a try. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m a male, and I have read a lot here about woman dressed in overly REVEALING CLOTHES, and it occurs to me that they may not realize how much they are actually showing. I think they get dressed, and look in the mirror, and they think, okay, yeah, that’s good, and they head on out into the world. But their view in the mirror isn’t the same view others have. So what they thing is just enough CLEAVAGE becomes a big flash of their TITS to the guy standing next to them. Or slightly provocative becomes like this girl on the terrace showing her most private part, but not realizing she is, because she didn’t see it from her view in the mirror. So maybe people shouldn’t call these girls SLUTS or whatever, and just chalk it up to not thinking things through. For what it’s worth, I’m a guy and even I get uncomfortable sometimes with all the loose parts I catch sight of these days. Anyway, just my two cents. [BLEEP!]

M Fuck, does a dick even have a SMELL? You ask that? And you’re a dude? Dude, some days I wouldn’t even know I had a dick except that I can smell it. Does a dick have a smell!? God all mighty. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, if forcing something out your vagina was really a HISTORIC EVENT, there’d be a ping-pong ball museum in Bangkok. Just another spoiled mouth for the tax-payers to feed. End the motherfucking monarchy. It’s out-dated, and an insult to every working man and woman in shithole Britain. You people are so pathetic. [BLEEP!]

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