“edited” by AL SOUTH
F To the people complaining that they couldn’t get into the Arcade Fire show and that the band is elitist and SNOBBY—they were shooting a video! They wanted people who looked good! [BLEEP!]
M If Montreal is a city full of hipsters and Pop Montreal is the hippest thing that happens all year, does that mean we are now at the apex of hipsterism? Or is there another time and place that is more hip? Just wondering. [BLEEP!]
F Hey motherfucker who stole the LONGBOARD off of the stoop underneath the white deck. Yeah you, you motherfucker. Now I owe my friend a goddamned new longboard before I even got to use it. I just got back into this city and I forgot that you have to tie down every fucking thing. Thanks for the fucking reminder. I didn’t even get to use it tonight! And it’s my fucking birthday! [BLEEP]
F I am the only one who finds it extremely weird and disconcerting that the new STM police tagline is about CONTROL. I mean wow, sounds like a fucking thing out of Big Brother—Orson Welles kind of shit. I mean, George Orwell. Like wow, control. It couldn’t have been protection, safety? We couldn’t do that? We couldn’t use safe words? We had to use words that were obviously meant to SCARE us? I just find that dumb. Ciao. [BLEEP!]
M Hey hey hey CATS. Congratulations on all your summer FASHION CHOICES. Of course, the short shorts. As well as the butt-hanging cheek, which has been the subject of much debate. But let’s not forget some of the other champions of style out there. Notably those who have adopted pirate cool, especially the dudes. And an extra huge shoutout to t-shirts that say what you think you are or what you are thinking. Like SLAG, or “Shut Up I Am Not Talking To You.” These are brilliant combinations of expression through fashion. Though still loving NEON BRAS under white t-shirts, still love it. Keep it up. Merci Quebec. [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™. Just wanted to let you know that my balls are still itchy. They’ve been itching since 1986. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, me and my BFF Shani are IN YOU, Montreal, and we are straight-on Montreal DRUNK. We asked this guy where we can call to say how great Montreal is, and he gave us this number, so, like, if this is a private residence, please never mind and we’re sorry. But otherwise WE FUCKING LOVE MONTREAL! It’s Alissa, and we fucking love you! WOOOO! [laughter, three minutes of unintelligible background noise when she forgets to hang up] [BLEEP!]
M Yeah. I’m looking at Twitter because I’m home at two in the morning on a Saturday night because I’m fucking LAZY, and there’s this bitch @[redacted] talking to this dick @[redacted], who is her boyfriend, from what I can gather. But he lives in Scotland, and she’s here in Montreal. And they’re twittering each other back and forth and she’s going on about how wasted she’s getting at fucking Tokyo, and talking about how many guys are hitting on her and how she’d like to fuck right now. And this dick in Scotland is all, “Oh, you’re gonna get raped,” and then she’s like, “Oh, I’m meeting all these cute guys.” This is so fucked because, first of all, bitch, I now know where you are, I have seen the pictures you sent of your drunk ass slutting it up and now I could come score some easy pussy if I weren’t so lazy. But also it is fucked because he is getting fucking angrier and angrier—you can tell from his tweets—because his woman is drunk and talking about all these dudes being all over her. He needs to cut this trainwreck bitch loose, because she’s what we call in the biz a cock-hopper. And that’s your Twitter report for tonight. [burps] [BLEEP!]
M Every time I try and FAP to the Miley Cyrus twerk video, I lose my throb. Just straight BEEYOOOOP limp. Do you think I’m gay? [BLEEP!]
M You’re going home with your groceries and your wife is a lot of fun, from what I can tell, but my wife is pregnant right now. She’s all big in the middle now. It was immaculate conception. Can you believe that? It’s different from fucking because the man doesn’t have anything with his body in the woman and the woman doesn’t either. I’ve had six already like that. Bin Laden was one of them, and then he had a child from immaculate conception, too. It dropped right out his RECTUM. And Jesus knows me. You have to separate the good from the bad, and Jesus is all good. He’s a good guy. I’ve known Him since high school, from about twelve to about 20, in the 70s when we both had LONG HAIR, and everyone else did, too. Can you believe that? I want the two churches here, in Milton Park and the area there, to know that somebody is listening. Jesus talks to me a lot. I go to sleep at night and He’s right there, and then I wake up at six o’clock in the morning and wham! He’s right there and just starts talking to me right away. He never stops. Maybe you have that, too? Anyway, you should get going. Thanks for talking. I’ll maybe see you around. And you have to forget about the heroin. [BLEEP!]
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