“edited” by AL SOUTH
F I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s a sign of the times or whatever, but it occurred to me that there are so many movies and shows or bands that I would honestly have never heard of if I hadn’t found them while looking at what’s available to download from the torrent sites. That’s got to be an argument in favour of the PIRATING SCENE, no? [BLEEP!]
M Yessir. I have been hearing a lot lately about how good CHOM is these days, that it has improved, and so I thought, you know, sure. Turn off the XM for a bit and check it out. Wow. I mean, no. It is still as shit as ever! Back to the much better radio satellite has let me have. Like the man was saying on CHOM‑won’t get fooled again. [BLEEP!]
F Hey. Today was my 10-year HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. I had a really great time, saw all my friends‑it was amazing. Except for the fact that the fucking boy I loved in high school for five years, tonight, declares his love for me, and KISSES me! You know what‑it’s fucking over! You are 10 years too late! You motherfucker! Right now I’m in Mile End, and I am getting some bagels and my best friend from high school and elementary school and all of school is lying down next to me and she’s PUKING and I am trying to feed her Fairmount Bagels. And cars are driving by. Ten years, motherfucker! Ten years. And this is the moment you choose? No. You know what, love stories don’t happen ending, ever. Don’t wait 10 years. Tell me when we are 15 years old, and it matters. Motherfucker. [BLEEP!]
M It wasn’t my intention to get involved with this, but about this stuff with the SHORTS in Beaconsfield. Where that high school kid got sent home for wearing cut-off jean shorts, and then was all like, “Hey, teach boys not to look at girls as sex objects, so I can wear what I want.” Well, you know what? If you’re wearing booty shorts and showing your ass, then, yeah‑you’re saying “Look at me! Don’t you want to fuck me?” I’m not saying this Beaconsfield kid did that. From what I saw, mostly her shorts were not in the least bit sexy. But speaking generally, that’s it. Saying that you’re HOT and should be allowed to wear whatever to keep cool is bullshit. I’m sure I’d be much more comfortable walking around with my NUTS cooling in the breeze than cooped up in my pants. Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to teach boys that girls are their equals. But it’s just as important to teach girls that the people SELLING them the idea of booty shorts and shit and revealing clothes want them to be whores. Fuck that. Educate the world. Free the people. [BLEEP!]
M How’s it going Rant Line™? Hey I am pissed off at hippies. FUCKING HIPPIES. The people who seem so godamn POSITIVE and try to put that positive energy out, but end up wasting your entire afternoon bitching about problems that no SANE person would consider to be a problem in the first place. I’m cool with people being able to do whatever they want, but could you please not try to give me SCALP MASSAGES when I am working. I don’t want to have to hear you bitch about the Euro and how it is representative of how MEAT is taking over the world, you PAGAN FUCK. [BLEEP!]
M Hello. I had a novel experience‑a kind of EPIPHANY–which I gathered from having seen about 50 cameras monitoring my particular comings and goings, from shopping to walking down the street, to people with their cell phone cameras.I came up with something called CAMERA RAPE. This is an effect on the subconscious mind of the participant who is being monitored, which means that the person is having a defensive mechanism like an AMOEBA being probed by a pair of TWEEZERS. Right? So what’s going to happen in the future is that human beings are going to develop telepathic capacities in order to conceal that sacred part where those tweezers cannot pierce. It is camera rape and I completely abhor it because it is an insult and an affront to my rights as a human being. So I am just putting my two cents in on that account. See you later, alligator. [BLEEP!]
M I was at Eurofest today, on Prince Arthur. I brought my daughter with me and she had her SCOOTER. And because of the brick streets she tripped and fell. It was right in front Vol du Nuit, and a group of guys on a terrasse, including one main guy in a JEAN BUCKET HAT. And they all thought it was pretty funny. Now admittedly, I’ve sat on Prince Arthur and watched grown women trip in HIGH HEELS, but laughing at a little girl who fell on a scooter, because you are shitfaced in the sun at four in the afternoon, is absolutely pathetic. I want you to understand, my friend, I will remember your face. [BLEEP!]
F Hey, Rant Line™. Sorry if I sound like I’m CRYING, but I am. I just want to say to all the bastards in this city, that if you see a person wipe out on their bike, and you see that person is hurt and that all her groceries are all over the street, maybe come over and help instead of letting her sit there with a GASHED LEG bleeding while cars run over her fucking dinner. And if you’re driving and see a person lying on the bike path with bags splayed out across the road, maybe don’t fucking honk at them and run over their food! I was having such a great day and now I just never want to go out again. Goodbye! [BLEEP!]
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