“edited” by AL SOUTH

M I just drove by a COP SHOP and there these two burly looking guys that were cop from the waist up, but seemed to be GAY MARINES from the waist down. They were wearing, like, these, like, PURPLEY gray sort of camo pants, like a gay marine would wear, and then tear away when he was ready to be ass-fucked! Is this what we have come to in law enforcement? I tell you this much—if that guy tried to pull me over, I’d be like, thanks man, but I don’t dig guys, and keep the fuck on driving. [BLEEP!]

F So I was out for my run the other night, and I saw some guy walking toward me, and I stopped and my mouth dropped open, and I got instantly wet because I was looking at none other than JON FUCKING SNOW AND HIS DIRE WOLF. Right in the streets of Mile End! And then I was going to Metro the next day, and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, because there he was again—Jon Fucking Snow and Dire Wolf! And then I saw him again, but walking on St Laurent. And then I realized that it was a different Jon Snow every time! And then it occurred to me that, no, it wasn’t. These were all just BEARDED HIPSTERS with HUSKIES, walking around trying be all like Jon Snow, and that made me sad for a minute. Winter isn’t coming for these losers. Nothing is. Is that mean? [BLEEP!]

F Oh God, I am so in complete agreement with the guy who was complaining about the price of WINE and CHEESE here. I lived in France for three years, and then travelled in Europe for six months, and life was affordable. Groceries were priced so that people could afford to eat them. Here if you want to eat well, or have a nice wine with dinner, you have to practically work two jobs. All the affordable food is a tasteless PASTE of processed garbage. No wonder everyone in North America is OBESE and unhealthy. It’s all they can buy! People should be marching in the streets. The North American food industry is disgusting. Anyway. I don’t expect anything to change. Just wanted to say I agree completely. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

F Pet spas are a joke, yes. But so are so many people, which is why pet spas are a thing. There is always somebody very happy to help an idiot spend his money. [BLEEP!]

M Why are you hating on pet spas? My little BOSTON TERRIER has rough days, too, you know? I can see it in his sad big ONE BROWN and ONE BLUE eyes. His little paws get all chafed and a little tender pedi-pedi makes him feel pretty again. Also, I hear some of these doggie spas offer happy endings, so for another $20 he can get his little red pecker tugged. You find me a dog in the world doesn’t like that! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I just read that rant—even though it wasn’t really a rant—about the guy who looked like Jimi Hendrix, and I think I sort of remember a rant from a LONG time ago where somebody was wondering about a guy who looked like Jim Morrison who used to hang out at Tams. Are the overdose look-alikes OD-ing? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I think it’s great that women and men are both going back and forth here, blaming each other for why they can’t manage to get along, or sweet talk each other into bed in BARS. But I don’t think bars are really where lasting relationships are forged, you know? Seems to me, if you’re drunk and in a club and trying to talk to somebody of the opposite sex, your romance has a life-span of right until sober or right until ten seconds past orgasm. How’s that one for a PICK-UP LINE? [BLEEP!]

M I think Hairy Legs should have gotten the whole bikini. I mean, you won’t look 10 unless you also have no tits. What you’ll look like is someone with a bald, little pussy. Nothing wrong with that. Anyway, send over some pics for us to take a looksie. [BLEEP!]

F Ok, can I just leave a message for anyone who thinks that giving someone the SILENT TREATMENT is a valid way to solve a problem. You are officially emotionally 12 years old if you think that is a good idea. If you are annoyed with something someone has said, and you decide to not tell them why you are annoyed and just not talk to them for several days until they figure it out, you are in IDIOT. You will have a lot of problems dealing with anything in your life and you can just fuck off right now. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Look! When you say hello to a person on the street, they shrivel up like WORMS and press their little CELLPHONES to their ears. Cognitive dissonance, aphasia. The statistics say that previous to the onset of this TECHNOCRACY, that 1 in 5 people would crack up. Now I predict that 4 out of 5 people will crack up, eventually. Let’s watch the bonfires of sanity manifest into individual exploding heads! [BLEEP!]

F Hi! Ok, I LOVE this motherfucking city! I don’t know if this qualifies as a rant, because it is kind of a good thing, but I was just minding my own business, riding the bus, and I got off at my stop and I was listening to really loud music, so I can’t hear, and then halfway down the block I realize that I am missing my KEYS. And so I search in my pocket, I have my bag down on the ground, I’m searching frantically, and then this guy just comes up to me and says, “Madam, did you leave these on the bus?” and hands me my keys! And the bus has waited for him on the corner! I would have been locked out on this cold, cold, cold winter night. And so anyone who says that this city is impersonal can SUCK IT. Ok, bye! [BLEEP!]

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