“edited” by AL SOUTH
M I love St-Hubert chicken. The way the SKIN comes right off, the beige or brown GRAVY and the half a hamburger bun that I never know why it’s there. I just leave it. I’ve been quite partial to the smoked-meat poutine lately and I love the cute cartoon chicken who wears white gloves. Thank you Rôtisserie St-Hubert. And I want to give a warning to Swiss Chalet, who bought St. Hubert Chicken—if you change one single thing, there will be a REVOLUTION. Thank you. [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™. I guess everyone has heard that Dany Villanueva, the brother of Fredy Villanueva, the kid who the cops shot in 2008, got arrested for selling drugs in MONTREAL NORTH. But did everyone hear that there was a DOUBLE AGENT involved? Does anyone else find that suspicious? A double agent? Where I come from, that spells S-E-T-U-P. One thing about the Montreal cops, they are vindictive—like a gang. Someone needs to investigate this. [BLEEP!]
F So I saw in the news they are going to pour all this money into fixing up the Lachine Canal to make it into a BIG SKATING RINK. Sort of like the Rideau Canal. Hello? Have they not heard of GLOBAL WARMING? Did they not see how short the skating season was this year? I did some RESEARCH. The Rideau Canal opened on January 23, and was closed for 16 days after that, and was only open for skating for 18 days! And we are going to waste money to copy this? I think a better idea would be to clean up the Lachine Canal so people could swim in it. That might have a hope. [BLEEP!]
M Greetings and salutations Rant Line™. This is a rant concerning none other than Wolfmother. I enjoyed the first two albums, I have them in my collection, but then I lost track. Apparently they just released their fifth album and I’ve been hearing that track “Victorious” getting a lot of airplay on CHOM. And you know what, Wolfmother? It’s too bad you came back! We learned to live without you, Andrew Stockdale, we got on with life. Now that you’re back, we’ve noticed that your VOICE is really annoying—kind of like JON ANDERSON from Yes. You can take it in small doses, a track here and there—“The Joker and the Thief,” “Woman”—but a whole concert, and hour and a half? Oh my god. Painful, very painful. [BLEEP!]
M [w/questionable hip hop accent] What up ya’ll, it’s your boy Two Stoops. I know that y’all at CULT got the Best of Montreal coming out. Before people go ahead and cast their vote in the hip hop category, I want to say straight up, who the fuck is Annikin Slade? I mean, Annakin, you look like a nice boy, you look like a good guy. I hear you talking about the comeback of the Expos and baseball. Maybe you are Youppi? Is that where you hide, underneath the mask? I mean, aside from your name being a whack Star Wars reference from before those bad movies came out, when there was still a chance that Annakin might be cool, in, like,1993, you could be an ambassador for baseball. You could singlehandedly carry the Montreal Expos back from Washington on the brim of your FITTED. You could pay Rae Kwon and Onyx to be guest Expos on your dream team. But the one thing you can’t really do is rap. So to everybody reading this who thinks Annikin Slade is the choice for best rapper in Montreal, we know the truth—Annikin, you’re on the YOUPPI DICK, stuck in the 90s. You didn’t even rap in the 90s—you were at the baseball games! Before anyone goes and casts a vote for a boy named Annikin, take a look at what’s going on around you and vote with your conscience. This is your boy Two Stoops. [BLEEP!]
F Why is it that if somebody throws some old National Geographics in the lane and you pick them up, people think you’re a garbage collector? But if the exact same stuff—or RAT-BITTEN CRATES or junk furniture—lands in a kitschy store, then it’s precious cargo worth TLC and a place of honour? [BLEEP!]
M If I hear one more time how RONALD REAGAN loved his goddamed wife I swear to god I’m going to HURL. It’s enough already! We get it, okay, he loved his wife. Big fucking shit! I don’t give a goddamn, I don’t want to hear this, okay? Ronald Reagan loved his wife—okay, beautiful. Now get over it! Ciao. [BLEEP!]
F Hi. I just don’t understand why people think BREASTFEEDING in public is such a horrible thing. It’s a child! It’s not like the mother is doing it to just piss you off, it is because the child needs to be fucking nurtured! There is no reason that people should be angry about it. If you get offended by it—Jesus Christ, I can’t even explain how angry this makes me! A couple of weeks ago I saw a lady breastfeeding in public and she got yelled at and told to leave the restaurant. They were in the back of the restaurant, the child had been SCREAMING. Would you rather have the child screaming or would you rather have the baby shut up and actually be taken care of? I just don’t understand this. [BLEEP!]
F Positivity positively smells of desperation. Relax. Life is a bitch. And so is luck. [BLEEP!]
M With the inception of the internet, everybody jumped on the bandwagon thinking that this was EL DORADO, the road to fame and fortune. Now the pendulum has swung back and everyone is saddled with the burden of becoming coopted by a system that is like a RATTLESNAKE biting the recipient in the ass. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]
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