“edited” by AL SOUTH
M Hi, I’m calling to complain about the QUESTIONABLE BEHAVIOUR of a large segment of MONTREAL AUDIENCES at local shows, whether it’s in a club or a larger venue like the Metropolis or Club Soda. My point is that with each ensuing year people are paying less attention to the artist on stage and spending more time YAKKING away at each other, TEXTING, looking at their cell phones, talking at PEAK VOLUME and not paying one iota of attention to the artist on stage. This is annoying as hell. People are paying, at times, lots of money, $60, $70, $80, and not watching the fucking show on the stage! It just makes absolutely no sense to me. I’m thinking maybe promoters should hand out some RITALIN at the door or get up onstage before the first act—because the first act gets ignored more than the main act—and tell people to shut the fuck up. I understand it’s a club atmosphere, and it’s congenial for talking and stuff, but people have no business being RUDE, and this definitely qualifies as capital-R rude behaviour. I’ve actually seen artists tell people to shut the hell up—it’s pretty embarrassing when it has gotten to that stage. My suggestion is, please think about where you are and what you’re doing as you’re rudely ignoring the guy or girl who’s sweating up on stage, trying to sing his or her SOUL off, and not being listened to by a bunch of rude fucks in the audience. [BLEEP!]
M Hey kid! You want to lose your SANITY? You want to lose every bit of faith you had in people? Work in customer service! Working in customer service can make and will make SERIAL KILLERS. I swear, I never wanted to punch people with disabilities before I started working in customer service. I assure you, you will lose every bit of sanity you have left. [BLEEP!]
F To the guy who said people with dogs should have to pay through the nose if there dog does something stupid, I agree, 100 per cent. But I think it should be even STRICTER than that. Today I saw a couple, a guy and a girl, the guy was on his phone, they had a dog on a leash, they looked sort of oblivious—they weren’t punks, I don’t want to blame the punks—and they just were walking along until suddenly the dog—not a pitbull, I don’t want to blame the pitbulls either—stops in its tracks and takes a big SHIT, right on the sidewalk, and when it had finished—it looked very pleased with itself—they just carried on walking, the guy kept talking on its phone, they didn’t pick up the shit, they didn’t give a shit, only the dog gave a shit. I swear to god, people like this should not have a dog! The only way I can think to stop people like this is that everyone has to pass a TEST before they get a dog. A long written test. And one question would be a very easy question, it would be, “Can you let your dog shit on the sidewalk and not pick up the shit?” And if you are too fucking stupid or selfish to know the correct answer, BZZZT, sorry, no dog for you, you stupid, stupid idiot. [BLEEP!]
F Hello, I just wanted to let everyone know that I just got back from Vancouver and that is how FOOD TRUCKS are supposed to be. Not like here. Speaking of food trucks in Montreal, has anyone seen one lately? What a massive fail. [BLEEP!]
M Hello, could someone please tell me how Montreal CONSTRUCTION works? I was walking by the TENNIS COURTS at Jeanne Mance today—you know, the ones that were fine, that they tore up last year to rebuild at the cost of millions of dollars? That the city said would be ready by June of this year? Well today when I walked by today, end of June, they are not ready, they are far from ready, and there was nobody working on them. How does this happen? Are the deadlines just a rough idea? How are they allowed to get away with this? Where is the construction crew? Does anybody know? And so ok, what is even worse about that whole Jeanne Mance project is that they tore up the BASEBALL FIELD—the one where every weekend there was a very popular local game. Those guys and girls had been playing there for years, it was like a LOCAL CULTURAL EVENT, practically. And at first the city said the field would not be affected by the tennis work, that everything would be ok, but just a few weeks ago they tore up the backstop and the field is gone. Just gone! The reason I heard is that the city now claims it was too dangerous, that cars or pedestrians on Mount Royal might get hit by a stray softball. Hello? People have been playing on that baseball diamond for like 40, 50 years, maybe 100 years. Maybe since the invention of baseball! Have you heard of any serious softball injuries? Were cars swerving around and people getting BEANED? Did you ever see that on the news? Ever hear anyone complain about it? I don’t think so. I think it was just a mean petty thing—someone in the city didn’t like a bunch of people in an informal fun baseball league just, you know, having FUN. [BLEEP!]
M I had a real livid dream last night. It was about my GRANDMOTHER, and she had TATTOOS all over her legs. Now a chick with tats kind of grosses me out, cuz you’re not fucking the tats, you’re trying to get through to the person who owns the tats, but you get distracted because the tats are there. But anyway, back to the grandmother FANTASY, I mean dream. It was like she had got all shriveled up and her tattoos had mutated into some unrecognizable REPTILIAN SPECTER. I mean—tattoos on my grandmother’s ass. NOOO. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, I just wanted to give a shoutout to Paul Gérin-Lajoie, who died today. No I had never heard of him either! But he died today, age 98, and it turns out that he was the FATHER of Quebec education, the guy who created the CEGEPs. And thank god for Cegep, because I could not have stayed in high school for one more second without killing myself, or maybe half of the school. So thank you Monsieur Gérin-Lavoie! [BLEEP]
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